Blog Something

Katie and I had a journal once for recording the random events that occurred in our apartment, dubbed Halloween Town. However, it is now lost, and Ali has suggested putting a journal type thing on here so we may blog/complain/document/conspire/other about daily events. Enjoy.

The path of evil

1/25/10 4:39 pm by Jen

Dear uhm..wikisite…journalblog. I have discovered that the witch no longer considers me to be evil. I don't know if my other friends think this, but I decided to regain evil status by taking up a nemesis. I chose Nate because he looks like Satan. This makes sense to me, even though Ali and Nate both laughed at me. = ( I will get my revenge someday!! Perhaps in the form of something explodey….

That's all for today journalblog. = )

Nate's reply

Dear wikijournalblog… thing…

I think that Jen has misunderstood the concept of a Nemesis. I tried to explain that if she wants to become more evil, she should select a pillar of goodness as her nemesis, so that she will be forced to more and more evil depths in her attempts to tear him down. by selecting someone she believes is evil, she has done one of three things. 1) Unwittingly turned herself to the path of good, as she will be forced to higher levels of goodness as she attempts to redeem/cleanse this evil. 2) Become my minion, as she will do evil things in the attempt to thwart me which will actually be helping me along in my plans for world domination. 3) become my apprentice, as she will look to my example to relearn the ways of 'evil'….

At any rate, I don't feel that she will be a problem unless the third thing comes to pass. she is an inadequate foe and I shall easily defeat her on the first path, and the second path will result in her inadvertently helping me. The third path however, as all good evil overlords know, is the most dangerous, as she will attempt to kill me and steal my power for herself at every opportunity. should she choose the third path, i will have to rid myself of her immediately so as to prevent future disaster.

And yes, I know that you'll read this, Jen, and I know you will try to find another option, but just know that in doing so, you will be choosing the second path, and will actually be helping me accomplish my goals. Just know that you cannot escape now.

Now I am off to practice my evil laugh, since so many people neglect the laugh. You think Bad Horse would have gotten anywhere without his evil whinny? That horrible… death whinny….


Rebel Cat

1/27/10 5:38pm by Jen

Dear journalblogwikiinternet thingy.
I saw a website yesterday that suggests different ways to entertain your cat. One suggestion was to put a piece of paper over the food bowl and make the cat figure out how to get to it. The cat proved to be difficult and didn't want to lift the paper. He eventually decided he was more hungry then lazy and got the paper off and ate food. I was momentarily triumphant I suppose, but I will keep pestering the cat until he is entertained.


Halloween Town

1/31/10 5:00 pm


I used to consider my apartment with Katie to be Halloween Town as we both love Halloween and the movie Nightmare Before Christmas. However, I have decided this should change. I shall rename it Sleepy Hollow, in light of the fact that I strongly believe my roommates spend more time sleeping than awake, and have found I too must be careful as my bed is very comfy and threatens to suck me in…


Romanticism ENG-456

2/1/10 3:47 PM

To Slartibartfast,

To add to your analysis to the question, I'm writing a small report on my studies. I have recently discovered an essence of life, three actually, that comprises anything written in literature: Thoughts, Encounters and Silences. Thoughts are self-explanatory, and numerous in amount on Earth. The key to literature involving thoughts, however is to be reading not only your own, but everyone else's. (I'll have to make a motion at our next conference meeting to employ the last few legitimate Psychics as writing instructors.) Encounters are also simple enough, but they're the most exciting for young writers and are focused on in the more amateur works. Encounters include dialogue, meetings, engagements and conflicts. The most important piece are the Silences, making up the majority of most professional works since the start of time. These silences are best described as the sound of one hand clapping - what is heard, seen, smelled, tasted and felt in the environment around the reader, or whomever the reader is self-imaging themselves into in the book. Kicking a granite stone off a cliff and having the impact drowned out by the howling wind, native to the distant snow capped mountains and guided by the tangled rivers in the distance, as it rushed through the pine-wood forest underneath you… That sort of thing. A good ratio is a 1:1:3 mix of Thought-Encounter-Silence… so what was discussed in our example. It's hard to describe silence aside from quiet, outside of literature - it takes a different kind of mind to think this way. Hence, why I think all writers, including myself, should be taken off the project of Earth: equations and answers are not what writers solve. We deal with Koans, or Riddles in the English language - a statement that ends in a question, but is designed to have no true answer - only designed to make you think endlessly. Thus by deductive reasoning, as there is a deadline for the answer of the life, the universe and everything, and it is Indeed an answer, writers would not be looking for a question but an unsolvable riddle, thus have no importance to your endeavors. We can, however, tell funny stories to earn our keep - aside from thinking for eternity, a little entertainment is about all we're good for.

Good luck with Earth,

Its about the cat again

2/3/10 5:58pm

Yesterday Katie called in a panic saying the cat has worms. Or at least one, which promptly dissapeared from existance as we know it when the cat hid under the couch. The worm was gone, no sign of it. I will say this; the apartment has never been cleaner.

Thank you, I suppose, strange worm thing….


The trivial and the mildly mundane

2/4/10 10:22am

Dear journalblogwikiinternet thingy:

I came across a list in GQ of the worst facebook friends ever. Every one fit one of my friends there.

EXAMPLE: Person-who-never-replies-to-anything: Cam, James
Person-Who-Writes-About-Every-Mundane-Point-of-their-day: Ron (XD)
First-time-parent-who-has-a-creepy-picture-of-their-kid-as-they're-profile-picture: Elayna, Kayla, Brittany
Person-who-complains-about-everything-and-feels-sorry-for-themselves: Amanda

I also have tutoring in an hour and a half and have done nothing for BMB. We learned about PHOSPHOLIPIDS yesterday. Woo-hoo. I only already know about them. Instead of paying attention in class, I finished reading "Society of Evil" and Jen read the notes I made about the story and its writing.

Breana is going to be soooo pleased to have me and Steph as her tutees. XD


2/4/10 10:31am

Dear journalblogwikiinternet thingy:

Why can I never do any homework? Avoiding it seems like the much funner option. But what do you do to avoid homework when you have nothing to do?



15 February 2010

Dear journalblogwikiinternet thingy:

Yesterday I watched the newest episode of The Office. Andy made a special card for Erin but, because he didn't want to single Erin out, he got random cards for everyone (although he made Erin's special).

There was a mix-up with the cards and Kelly..but that's a different story. The point being: I shared a similar moment as the "Nard Dawg" did, so I wanted to give a shout out to Andy Bernard(Ed Helms): ..I feel you, man.


(also: funny episode. Watch it)


On Metallica (Turning 22)

February 16th, 2010

Dear Journal (Shortened from journalblogwikiinternet thingy, your full name.)

My life has always been… out of reach, in sorts. No matter how many 'coming-to-terms' I do, I never change… but it does help me sleep at night. I dream, and I occasionally follow the spark that drives me, but I find myself living life as a passing daydream… I see things I want to achieve, but even when I work at it, I can never compare to those who live in the real world. I can't compare to anyone… and in a way, that hurts. My goals are…. well, Metallica said it best:

So close, no matter how far…
Couldn't be much more from the heart.

Here I am, 22 years of age, almost… and I could count the achievements I've made in this life on one hand. In fact, I don't think I have to count. What I have done, before before me have accomplished. I don't stand out, and I'm not important… That's not to say I don't feel necessary: every party needs that quiet guy in the corner. I try to follow my path: what I enjoy and want to do for a living. 'Forever trust in who we are' - Don't be anyone but yourself… I try to be myself, anyway. A writer, compassionate, happy with life. I want to focus on who I want to be: A caring person with desk job of writing stories… spending most of his time at home with the kids and looking after them, but still manages a survivable paycheck on his publishings. Of course, the picture wouldn't be complete without a wife, but I figure that part of life will hit me in the face when the time comes.

So where am I now? Unemployed, haven't seriously written anything worth publishing in what feels to be decades (but really a couple of months), and I sit here… staring at the computer screen with my music on. I have no drive to change.

I wonder where I'll be in twenty two years time…? Six feet high in marble, or six feet under in an oak box. It's beyond time I stop "seeing where Life takes me."
I just lack the drive.

(On My Mind)
Opening Stanzas for Metallica's "And Nothing Else Matters"

So Close, no matter how far - Couldn't be much more from the heart.
Forever trust in who we are - And nothing else matters.
Never open myself this way - Life is ours, we live it our way.
All these words I don't just say - And nothing else matters…
Trust I seek and I find in you - Every day for a something new.
Open mind for a different view - And nothing else matters.

Response to Ian

Jen 2/17/11:31 (waaay past my bedtime, but alas)
journalwikiblog: This is not to you. XP

Ian, you seem so lost.

Also, I would like to point out, really..on the grand scheme of things, ..who at our age has really done anything?

You can look at life and try to count successes…victiories…but…life isn't quite as we'd like it to be, really.

One could say we are all unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Like an ant farm, each ant believing they are special, different, but all are completly insignificant to the rest of the world who are not ants. (I myself find it hard to look at an ant and think that they are self aware, believeing, hoping, dreaming as we do..but let's say they do. Let's say ants dream, let's say they want to be successful not just in a reproductive sense. Let's say they too want to be loved and surrounded by the other ants that they care about….to any creature not an ant…an ant is just well, something that is..a moving object, an insignificant part of this tremendously, incomprehensibly large world that we all live in.)

I think sure, perhaps on the grand scheme we are some alien race out there you and I are just a distant speck of light on a clear night.

But in a smaller matter…you are important..and successful too. = )
You say you can count your successes one one hand and feel as though you have not acomlished much, not having a job and such…but this isn't any different from anyone else. Let's say I too didn't have a job. A job may be a success and all, but what does it matter? A job is for money. John may argue with me here, and I have to admit, it is important to be able to support yourself, and to surrender to the world and give up on finding a job is a bit less then ideal..that alone does not make you an unsuccessful person.

So you haven't published a book. Perhaps you, like me, have been going to college (which is a great victory on our part…do you know how many people don't even make it out of high school??? Go us!!) but don't really have a skill they can market. I think you have a writing skill, deffinelty. I don't have any skill to put me on the market. (Working the sidewalk aside, heh XP) I want to work with animals but so far lack the knowledge and experiance. This does not make me unsuccessful. Nor does the fact that you haven't published yet make you unsuccessful. You're still trying, you haven't given up, and you're working on your writing skills at college. You'll only get better Ian.

I know people have been nit picking your habits and trying to change you. Don't let this get your confidence down. We're trying to help, and some of us seem to think they know better then others, lol. But you know, you have a good personality. A bit broody sometimes I suppose, but that's who you are. And no one can change you, not even yourself, unless you're willing to give it time, have patience with yourself, and are willing to change. No matter what you do, who you become, you're still Ian. There's no changing that. (Besides a sex change I suppose..what would we call you then? Iannia? Innie? Ingrid? *evil laugh*)

I hope you don't feel the need to redefine yourself based on what anyone else says, or based on this supposed lack of victories and acomplishments. We're all in the same boat I think. If we wish to change things, we have to try. My plan is to go to Australia to study abroad, next summer I think. Just make sure you have a plan, Ian. Because when you publish your first book (which you will) I want an autographed copy. *stern look*.

It does seem though…that a lot of my friends are having trouble with their confidence..who put this raincloud over everyone's head? I adore all of my friends, and I don't understand why they are feeling so unconfident. You're all such great people. Sure, we all have our flaws, and I too, have felt the desperate want to redefine myself, because I don't feel like me anymore., and I don't know who I am or what I'm doing in life..

but it's foolish to imagine you're anything but yourself. This is just all a part of growing up, and I think we'll be dealing with these so called "midlife crises" until we're dead.

Perhaps, if we're feeling this way…that we need to redefine ourselves, to find ourselves…perhaps something does need to change. A chance we need to take, a change or a new direction in life. Because, it is always possible we're heading down the wrong path.

I was, two years ago when I was with Casey. Out of high school for two years, no hope of college in sight, and with a guy I was rapidly falling out of love with. I think I deffinetly needed some redefining…because I hated everything about myself and inside I had this terrible monster emotion that would not rest. So I changed my direction in life. I decided I was going to college and that was final, and if Casey didn't like it he could 'suck it'. heh. I've never felt better since going to college and my life is really starting to turn around. I went through my second winter this year without getting depressed. I've also met the most amazing people, some of which I plan to be friends with for life,( you being one of them) and one of which may even go on my stalking list with Ali..(Nate, haha)

And not to mention Ian, you've changed a bit since high school, and in a positive way too. I think you've come a long way, so don't rush any changes, just be happy with who you are, because you're pretty awesome you know. = D

So…now the time says 12:04. Happy birthday, dude.

p.s. you just walked into O.T …..


Stalking List

Ali, 21 February 2010

I have a stalking list now. On it:

Nate H
Cam M
Andrew R
Jen H
John M



Jen March 21 2010

I wandered home today and found killer bunnie attempting to eat my pet shark. I was very displeased. >=(


Ali 30 March 2010

James is a bastard.
Text to prove it: "watching bullshit. join if you'd like!"

He knows I love P&T. He has to know. I mean, every time they are brought up in conversation, I freak out into ecstatic happiness. Penn & Teller are my adult Spider-man.
(AKA heroes)

He's the second person who has used P&T against me in such a vile manner.

So Amazingly and Incredibly Beyond Words BORED.

Ali; 13 June 2010

Dear wikiblogjournaldiary-like-thingy:

I am so bored.
So goddamned bored.
I want someone to hang out with.
This is so boring. :/

Jen & John: about 40 minutes SW
Nichole: about the same distance cuz she lives near Murray House
Nate: about 2 hours NE
Heidi: about 20 minutes S
Jaclyn: about an hour forty SW
Megan: about 20 minute SE (but I haven't talked to her in months)
Steph: about …gee…I dunno how long away but she's in CT so…a ways

Those, of course, aren't all my friends; but those are the friends I usually see the most. And they're too far (with the exception of Heidi and Megan, but I haven't really talked to them at all).

I just want someone to chill out with. Or just something to do. I am shriveling up and crimping out from BOREDOM here, people.

Oh, btw, I also have a couple people interested in my room on Spring St., so if I find a subletter, I am shoving all Liz's stuff back in her room cuz she didn't get my permission before she dumped her crap on my floor. So…that will give me some brand of justice, right? lol.12

Poem and a Horrid Day

(Ali; 24 June 2010)

I am so sick I could cry and vomit at the same time.
(and I mean sick as in "sick and tired", not physically ill. Guess I should clarify.

I tried to eat but I feel like I can't keep anything down. So I resorted to drinking and that didn't end well for me either. I didn't get sick, but I guess I did something that would make me (in some ways) want to be sick.

Suffice it to say, my poem came true.
And now I have more added drama on my hands.
This is the world of All Drama Obama.


In the end, nothing works out

5 August 2010

Dear Wiki:

It's kinda "funny" how this works out.
You try to show love for people and they either throw it back in your face and refer to your actions as being "childish"; or they think you're being creepy by showing them attention.


People wonder why I went back to an asshole three times? He might not be the best and most stable person out there, but at least most of the time, he didn't trample on me and actually liked spending time with me without thinking I was "creepy".

Just fuck everyone.
Keep your affection to yourself, and I'll do the same

an irate duck

Nothing works out in the end

August 5 2010

Dear Wiki;
I don't know what the irate duck means, but I have decided to be pissed off with her. So, suck it you affectionate people!

Love, a pissed off frog.3

New Word Definition

8 August 2010

Dear Wiki Blog Thingy:

I have a new definition for ye:

Propose(v): The act of your ex getting drunk one night and deciding it would be the perfect time to ask for your hand in marriage.

That is all.


Silly Thoughts

16 August 2010

Dear Wiki Bloggy Thingy:

When I am overtired and in a silly/delirious mood, there are strange things that run through my head. One of those moods stuck yesterday and I wanted to share:

"man, I hate sexual frustration. Hmmmmmmmm….cheeeeeese."

….don't ask.

Love, Ducky

I'll Be There

August 19th, 2010

Dear journalwikiblog thingamajigger.

Two weeks until I join the ranks of Patch hall and be forever haunted by the lyrics of Lady Gaga, and our resident Gaga Enthusiast, Mr. Spero. Getting a chance to daily see everyone again, eat at the commons and dining halls, even walk through campus and attend classes! I look forward to it all. Right now, I'm just praying for no hiccups in my attendance there… Still no significant other, but even some classmate friends I've had have grown more "romantically" involved with me…. but I'll let that run it's course naturally. Like Marty McFly said in his third Back to the Future movie, Love isn't scientifically rational, it just hits you… like Lightning! Anyway, getting off topic. The absense of my best friend'll be kinda a downer, but I hope to see him whenever he visits up north here… but I have an eerie feeling… veeeerrrry eerie feeling I may be drifting away from my friends - to focus on my life and direction I'm headed. This is, after all, my senior year… if I'm not graduating this spring, I would be soon after. It's time I put my life in check - past time, actually. I just hope my actions follow through with my words… but… not too much. My friends are too invaluable to drift away from… I hope that part of this foreboding feeling comes up false… but we'll see.

Either way - I'm excited to see the crew: from Jen, and Ali to John and Andy… Tony and Cam… even Yusef, even if it's just in passing. Just to get that essence of "home" back. Cheers, to another semester of friendship, a foundation for new love, and a thrilling semester of classes - as well as employment and direction! Gawd, that's a lot to work on… Wish me luck, journalwikiblog thingamajigger!

No Worries,

Reply to Ian

(26 August 2010)
Dear Wiki Bloggy Thingy:

Ian sounds like he's writing a graduation speech. Still, I like it.

Even so, I have a feeling this year will drastically change from years before. Not only is Ian graduating, but so are Cam, Nate, John, Yusef and..erm…anyone else? Still, those are all (well…'cept for Yusef) close friends of mine and already at the beginning of the year, I find myself depressed for it's end.

Of course, in other respects, I feel depressed for it's presence as well.

Still, this year will be a start of a huge new chapter (not to be cliche) but things within the group might even shift and change a lot. We shall see how that works out.

Personally, I will miss being on campus and seeing everyone at couchland. I hope people visit Wouldbe a lot because I don't expect everyone to frequent my end of Stillwater. ^^;;


This is Not for the Faint at Heart

(Ali; 13 September 2010)

I am just scared. I have just about hit rock bottom…but I have felt that way before and the ground still tends to sink a little deeper.

This year has SUCKED. In every definition of the word imaginable. The worst of this has been in since the beginning of the summer. But in a nut shell, in less than a year, I have dug myself into a financial shot hole that is practically unrecoverable. I have lost my car (at least for the time being) and am possibly going to lose my amazing cat….and I am just…….losing it, in general.

I keep feeling so lost and alone. Of course, I know I am not alone. I have some of the best and closest, most understanding people in my life…so why do I feel so lost? I know I have so many people around me, but I feel so alone.

I think the biggest issue I am facing is that I am constantly fighting my instinct this year. I suppose this is a healthy thing….but it is starting to drain me. When things get too stressful and burdensome, I need to run away and hide. I have not been doing that. Which, I know, is a very good thing….but it's difficult trying to fight years of inbred instinct to shuffle off when this year has been scarier and more uncertain than anything my life has thrown at me before (with the exception of my childhood….but those things are apples and oranges to today).

I keep having sessions of tweaking out. I know I have not physically run from my issues…but, in the majority, I have run mentally. It is starting to take a toll on my sanity. I can't focus on things. I can't feel much of anything real. At least not right now. I know some of that is because I am still in shock. In just the last two weeks, my life has gone from shitty but slightly under control…to something I can't control and that is quickly spinning out.

I just keep wanting to ask everyone I pass what I should do. Why isn't anything changing? Why are all these horrible things happening? Why can't I get a break long enough to clear my head and try to find a solution? What else can possibly go wrong?

I know everyone who knows of these horrid ordeals is sympathetic and understanding and wishes there was something they could do….but is there anything? I know they don't say things emptily, but it feels that way. I don't know…I am just being selfish maybe….

I don't like how I can't focus on anything. I have no confidence in anything anymore, either. I feel displaced and out of sorts. I don't like my life anymore. I am uncertain and burdened down….. there is this publishing company somewhere in Maine that is looking for new manuscripts to publish. Jen asked me the other day why I haven't submitted anything to them yet. It's because I don't have enough confidence that I would succeed. That, and I can't focus on anything long enough to be able to submit anything worthy of appraisal.

I suppose what I said earlier about no longer running away and facing my fears is no longer valid…. I mean, running away in my head is still running away, right?

I am trying to face things…but I suppose it would be a falsity to say I am succeeding in finding a solution. I am still hiding.

….I need to sleep. Or hide. I don't fucking know.

Check up with me in five years. That's my deadline.



(Ali; 14 September 2010)

I have been thinking about the holidays recently. I suppose it comes from planning for the Halloween party…and it's also because it's heading towards the end of the year. I know it's only September and all…but time is rushing past and we all know that the holidays will come before we know it.

It's worrisome for me because it's always around this time of year (especially) that I get homesick the most. Like when the Wouldbe crew (+Max) and I all went apple picking this past weekend. I always went with my family. It's not that I didn't have fun cuz I had a blast..but it's just a little disheartening.

Holidays also have been on my mind because of my job. Kohl's is already starting to put up Christmas decorations and we have a lot of harvest season things up around the store….I am worried that I really won't be able to see my family over Christmas. I have been worried about that for a while because Kohl's has a certain list of days that aren't allowed to be asked for off….and, not surprising, Christmas is one of those times. I keep meaning to bring it up with Michelle or even Issac and I know I definitely have to. My mum said if I can't make it out to Colorado for Xmas, she wants to come here. It's not that I really oppose such a thing…but I want to see my family.

I have also been thinking of Thanksgiving. Last year, I went down to Megan's house for Thanksgiving. Both Steph and Nichole said I could come to their houses for Thanksgiving if need be..but I know I have to work Black Friday (according to everyone at Kohl's, everyone works on Black Friday). So would it even be possible?

But even if I can go home for Christmas, it won't be for a long time. I am hoping a week but I doubt it. Worst case scenario, I have to stay here. And then what? I will be all alone. I know Jen and Steph are going home over Christmas break. I don't know if Nichole will. She might…but if she has a job up here, she might not be able to leave either. My worst fear is that I will be all alone. Because I know I won't have Eclipse…

I know I am just being emo. I don't like feeling so depressed, but this feeling is continuing to persist and it really bothers me. Granted, it kind of makes sense….

I guess just throwing homesickness into the pool of all the worry and upset this year has caused doesn't help at all. :/ It also doesn't help that I am missing all my family's birthdays, too. Alicia's and James' were last month, Elayna's is in a couple weeks, Olivia's is near mine…my grandmother's is the beginning of November…

I have a lot more I could rant about but the problem is that I always keep cutting myself off before I actually can get rid of most of this. I am thinking about looking into seeing a psychiatrist. Of course, I don't have the money….. do you think psychiatrists work pro-bono? ^^;;


Don't Need to Be Worried About Intervention

by Ali 1 October 2010

You don't need to be worried about intervention with me. After all, my life is spiraling out of control into delirium, denial and…what's a third word starting with the letter d? Oh, yeah: depression.

But who the hell cares. It's not like this will be told to anyone on any significant level.

And sadly enough, that is not looking-for-sympathy-emo. That is the real thing. The pain is kind of affecting my fevered brain at the moment….and I really fucking hate my m key.


PS. If anyone would like to help, find me a psychiatrist.

Work Story About Getting Pissed Off At Simon Pegg

(3 October 2010, by Ali)

Dear Wiki Blog Not-Music Thing:

Finally something not worthless and depressing. It's a little irritating..but I still think it's kind of a good story.

So yesterday while I was working…I think I texted Nate, Steph and Jen all something related to this….but here is the story behind the weird texts. lol.

I was working yesterday when a woman came up to the service desk. Now, I can't tell if someone's being pissed off (if I don't know them) or being assertive usually…. they all sound the same unless they're being really snappy or yelling at me. So I usually assume someone's being assertive. Anyway, apparently she was really pissed off about what happened and I had had too much caffeine and was finally feeling better for the first time in over a week, so I was in a great mood. lol. What happened to her, in a nut shell, was that she bought a Hoover vacuum, got home, and realized there were Bissell parts in the box (for those who are not aware, not the same company. lol)

I did everything I was supposed to. I was friendly, helpful, courteous, listened to her… I offered everything I could to help her. It's my job to do that. I didn't even know she was mad until she started snapping about Walmart selling the same vacuum for cheaper and demanded to know what I could do about it. I wasn't sure, so I asked Ian. Ian told me the company policy and I repeated it to her. I guess Kohl's can meet any competitor's price, but we have to have proof of it (aka a sale flier). This didn't please her at all, but there's nothing I can do about it on my own. I could get fired.

But anyway….I wasn't being rude or snappy with her. I helped her with what she needed, Adam came up and helped her find the right vacuum and she walked away.

Apparently, though, she found Isaac on her way to the back of the store and ripped into him about the vacuum. I didn't know this. I was busy. But about 20 minutes later, Isaac came back to me and said, "Ali, I don't want you to be worried about it."

….mk? I had no idea what he was talking about. So when I asked him, he said, "the woman with the vacuum cleaner. Everything's all set." I thought he had heard her ranting or something and just wanted to make me feel better about getting yelled at. Until he said something about not wanting to lose a customer over $5…and I stopped. So….he was blaming me but trying to assure me I shouldn't feel bad about it?

Fuck you, Isaac.

I was furious. He wasn't threatening to fire me or saying we needed to talk about it but just his insinuation that I dared had anything to do with her being pissed off. I have had experience with pissing off customers. And I have had WORSE customers than her at GMP. That's not even the point….I just refuse to get blamed for something I didn't do. No. No, no, no. Fuck you and you're superior air of "well, you shouldn't feel ashamed for doing nothing wrong but I'm still going to insinuate it's your fault."

Good thing Ian was there at the same time cuz as Isaac was walking away, I was glaring daggers at his back. Ian told me there was nothing I needed to worry about and just forget what Isaac said. I did nothing wrong, after all. I just told him I was only mad if Isaac decided to blame me for what happened. Cuz that wasn't going to happen.

I was sooo pissed off that I texted Steph, Jen and Nate several minutes later when I went on break. lol. The one thing that made it better was that Jarrod poked me before he left the break room.

But OMG. I wanted to confront Isaac about what happened and be assertive in my own right. I wanted to catch him in the office and ask him exactly what he thought I did and why I deserve to feel like I'm being punished for what happened when I did nothing wrong. I don't think he respects me at all. And it's not just last night that made me think that. He's been walking all over me for a long while when I am the BEST(outside of Ian) fucking customer service associate that place has. THE BEST. So fuck you, Isaac. I'm not getting fired because you wanna be a pussy.

I didn't talk to him at all last night because of that. lol

Anyway. Venting over. Just wanted to share the messed up ness that is my crappy underpaid job. lol.


11 October 2010


Dear Wiki Blog Thing:

I hate feeling so conflicted. I feel like I'm being drawn and quartered: emotionally and mentally.
Fuck being awake anymore. I have to work POS tomorrow.
I still need to find an escape. Hooray for constant thinking about psychosis. It will happen.
I hope no one understands this.


28 October 2010


Dear Wikiblog:

I miss Vegeta. I miss him a lot. I still half-expect him to be here, even though it's weeks since he's….passed.

I don't like thinking he's dead. I think part of it is because I wasn't able to be there when he was put down and also because he's disappeared for months before and it's kinda sad and I worry about him…but I always have faith that even if he doesn't come back, he's safe.

And, of course, he always came back.

I think a lot of this thinking and reminiscing is because 1) it's nearing Halloween and I was hoping to finally be a witch this year, but decided against it (obviously) when we had to give Veggie up. It's also because 2) I watched How to Train Your Dragon a couple times and Toothless really reminds me of Eclipse. He reminded me of him long before Eclipse even became sick.

I have said countless times that my first book is going to be about him. I'm just not sure what I'm going to write about. I like Jen's idea about writing a story about what happened to him when he disappeared for nearly a year. It's a good idea but not only is it Jen's idea, but I wouldn't even know how to write a story like that.

I just do know one has to be written. And I have to try and publish it. I just need an epic story idea.

There is also this stray that's come to the house and I have only just tonight got the chance to pet it…it's an adult cats and we're all pretty sure he's owned by someone around here because he looks very well fed (he's pudgy. haha). I like this cat but being around it (and even being around the kittens) makes me miss Eclipse ever more.

I just love him very much. I wish I could find a way to show that through writing. :/ I shall try.

Until later anyway, love,

I Don't Think Anyone Reads These Anymore

(18 January 2011)

I am coming back to Maine tomorrow. And I have mixed feelings about it. I hate leaving my family (especially Nick and Chloe) and my sisters but I am also kinda relieved. I know that sounds horrible, but I just mean it in the text of the drama and stress that gets spiked out here. For example, I went to dinner at Mesa State with my mom, my sisters, my niece and nephew and my brother-in-law. My mom started talking to me about the flight plans tomorrow and I know she's all worried that I will be stuck somewhere overnight. I am planning on it, actually. I have no other choice. If I'm not stuck in Denver or Chicago overnight, I will be stuck in Portland overnight because I can't even get back to Bangor/Old Town until Thursday afternoon.

But I was telling my mom the plan I have on getting home from Bangor and she was all appalled that I wasn't getting picked up by anyone in Bangor. When she demanded to know why, I told her: "Uh… cuz I'm coming back sometime in the afternoon or evening and everyone will either be at work or at school?" Plus everyone seems to be annoyed if I ask them for rides anywhere, so why bother them? lol.

I mean that jokingly.

Well, kinda.

I know I get on everyone's nerves a lot. And I hate that I do. But I feel trapped.

Speaking of which, my panic attacks are coming back. Oooh, goody. I try and run from them (in much the same way Tom Cruise runs from his gay side) but they always come back. Especially around that certain "time of the month" (if you know what I mean. /wink). I just feel scared and worried. Especially about my position at Kohl's. Unless some thing's changed in the last 2 weeks I haven't been there, they're still hurting for money and that might mean I don't have a job to go back to.

And that's terrifying.

This is the year I'm supposed to try and boost myself out of debt. So far that's not happening very well. Not well at all, actually. But what's there to be done? I still need to contact Pat's Pizza and harass them a lot. I could always say "I used to come here for breakfast all the time with my ex-boyfriend. And we used to always order pizza from you when we played Cthulhu until 3am". That might somehow be the equivalent of telling Michelle she should hire me because I'm awesome.

I don't know. I am just so terrified. I get more scared when I have no idea what's going to happen to me. And that's been my life for over a year.

No wonder I have these violent panic attacks every few weeks.

I am also kinda worried that when I come back to Maine, I will be all excited to see everyone and everyone will be like, "oh. You were gone?" And I don't intend to mean that in the whole emo context….mostly I mean it in the way that I was hiding from almost everyone before I left Maine…so me not being there isn't all that different, I suppose. haha.

I am really going to miss my sisters. I'm going to miss my mom a lot, too, but most of my week spent here I was with Alicia and Elayna (and James and the kids). I am going to miss them all a lot.

I hate that I live so far away. I hate that they live so far away. But I also don't want to live close-close with them. Like I said, they spike my already booming stress level.

Oh, gawd, I'm gonna get ulcers. haha.

Anyway, I didn't actually mean to write this much. And, yes, I have a million more words to say. But Batman's on. And I need to raid the Cackler house of food and repack before I go. lol.

See you guys in a while. In a day…or two. We shall see.


The REAL Mission of the USS Enterprise

31 January 2011

It was decided last night that the mission of the U.S.S. Enterprise was not to spend five years traveling the galaxy in exploration. That was merely a front for spending five years traveling the galaxy to have sex with alien babes.

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