~Quotes found in books? Put them here.~

"The problem with people is that they're only human."
~Hobbes; Calvin & Hobbes

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
~Calvin; Calvin & Hobbes

"I was just about to use my stupendous powers to liberate some cookies being held hostage on the top shelf of the pantry!"
~Calvin, as Stupendous Man; Calvin & Hobbes

"If you don't make each decision carefully, you never know where you'll end up. That's an important lesson we should learn sometime."
~Calvin; Calvin & Hobbes

"Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words."
~Calvin; Calvin & Hobbes

"Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the nonexistence of God.

"The argument goes something like this: 'I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God. 'for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing'."

"'But,' says Man. 'the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.'

"'Oh, dear,' says God. 'I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

"'Oh, that was easy.' Says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed in the next zebra crossing."
~Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams; p. 42

"If a tiger were able to make himself look like a large dog with a waggy tail, you would probably go up and pat him on the head. And that would be the end of you. It's the same with witches. They all look like nice ladies…"
~The Witches by Roald Dahl

"Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to A very fast. People living in point C, being a point directly in between are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there, and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where they hell they wanted to be."
~Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams; p. 9

"I think these pipe smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick…Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That's my advice. I'm here to help."
~Brain Droppings by George Carlin; p. 4

"Tell your waiter you want to make a substitution: 'Instead of my napkin, I'll have the lobster tails.'"
~Brain Droppings by George Carlin; p. 10

"Giving the waiter your drink order can be fun. If you're alone, show the guy you're a real man. 'Gimme a glass of napalm and paint thinner straight-up.'"
~Brain Droppings by George Carlin; p. 11

"Always order your date's drink; that's very romantic. Especially if you're trying to get laid. 'The lady will have a martini, a glass of wine, two zombies, and a beer. And do you have any quaaludes?'"
~Brain Droppings by George Carlin; p. 11

"I moved [from NYC to LA] because of the time difference. I was behind in my work, and wanted to pick up the extra three hours."
~Brain Droppings by George Carlin; p. 16

"There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health."
~Brain Droppings by George Carlin; p. 16

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