Return to Quotations
~Quotes found in friends? Put them here.~1
by the way, please place NEW QUOTES at the top to appease our once master admin, Mr. Murray.
Nichole: my co-workers and I agree that to work at Treats you have to be crazy and insane and I'm all three!"
John: What's a "Harry Potter" recipe? Double bubble, toil and trouble?
Ali: THATS SHEAKSPEARE YOU DUMBASS!
Emily: How do you get a [wine] cork out? YOUR TEETH!
"Ian… French toast is not a method of determining long-term relationship results!!!" -John
Jen:So who do we blame for putting the cups to the right of the sink?
Nichole: My mum, she put them there.
Jen: Nah, Nate. I'm going to go with Nate.
"The only thing worse than a rock star is someone who thinks they're a rock star." -John
Ali: That's like, six inches per hour!
John: Don't make me say it..it's just too easy. Just like your mom!
(later)
John: what did I do?
Nichole: what haven't you done?
John: Ali's mom!
Ali: When did it become eleven o'clock?
Jen: (checks the clock) about four minutes ago.
Ali: I can't help it. my mind goes to dangerous places.
Jen: Like Mordor? Mordor is pretty dangerous…
(talking to truck outside) "are you just sitting there watching the storm? Because if you are, I approve." -Nichole
"Every answer to the questions you're about to ask for the next minutes is 'no'".- Will, to Matt
Ali: my sister doesn't know how to spell 'does'. She always says dose-like a dose of medicine.
Annie:how old is she?
Ali:26
Annie:/frowns. maybe she doesn't get it.
Ian: you fried orphans?
Annie: it's the best way to cook an orphan, don't you know?
Ali:I didn't go blah I went BLAH.
"Killing Ali was one of the funnest things I've done all summer!" -Annie
"I can't tank the DM!" -Nate
"I don't bark at black people on the TV, though."
~ Ali
NATE: /shows Ali his dragon
ALI: Is that yours?
NATE: Yup.
ALI: Hmm. Mine's bigger.
"My co-worker's so fat, she needs the Jaws of Life to clip her toenails."
~ Nichole
"I say we go back to the old days and just blame Nate."
~ Jen
"Christ isn't Christian!? Now that's just silly!"
~ Jen
ALI: What the hell, Jesus!? Hiding in the closet!
JEN: I know! Jesus is supposed to save, not steal her hiding spot!
NICHOLE: What happened [in Hellraiser]?
ALI: /sigh. Well, his brother just came out of the closet. …hahahaha
JEN: John said anyone can become a sorority girl.
ALI: It's true. Talbot's one.
"This is why your man makes the big bucks: I can make cookies and run a business at the same time."
~ John (to Jen)
ALI: You're the one who couldn't tell one black guy from the other!
JEN: They all look alike! So do white chicks.
ALI: (talking about the phonetic alphabet) I don't usually remember anything beyond "delta". Oh! But I do know F, U, C, K.
NICHOLE: You would.
"You're Canadian cheese. Don't start with me, cheese."
~ Annie
"She took the dragon out of the bag. This is the one she has to fight tomorrow."
~ Steph
"[Jen's phone] is telling me a line and a fish button. Where's the fish button!?"
~ Ian
"What important thing do you have to say to me? …smiley face. FUCK YOU!"
~ Jen
JOHN: Nobody loves you here!
ALI: I'm making pancakes.
JOHN: Psh. Immigrants.
ALI: Who? Canadians?
WAITER: What's wrong with nerds? I'm the king of nerds!
JEN: [Ali's] a Trekkie.
WAITER: …oh.
"I haven't taken Finger Painting 101 because I'm not an English major."
~ John
"I don't have enough energy to squint."
~ Ali
"Oh, look. I drew a missile for this one."
~ Jen
"'I'm in your house.'
'Who's this?'
'I don't know. You called me.'"
~ Jen
"Next time I buy a box of Wheaties and it gets to the end, you guys can battle for it."
~ Ali
ALI: Bleh
JEN: Blah!
JOHN: Blah!
/awkward pause.
ALI: Nichole?
NICHOLE: ..BLAH!!
NICHOLE: Did you let Kai in?
JEN: He's in the toilet.
ALI: /walks into Nichole's room. Dishes are dooone~.
/pause.
ALI & NICHOLE: Duh duh duh-DUH!
"Bliss is a big cup of chocolate pudding and a glass of milk at midnight when you feel like you have nothing better to do."
~ Will
/singing along. "Math, science, history, unraveling the mystery that all started with the Big Bang. AAAHHH!"
~ Ali
NICHOLE: I would be a jackass shark.
STEPH: I would be a jackass…..shark.
"I can't call him Mexican? OK. Get Dora the Explorer outta here!"
~ Steph
"I'd rather get punched in the face by a baby than play Ghost Valley."
~ Sam
"They were so gay they scared cruise ships? Jesus! That's pretty gay!"
~ John
ANNIE: Do you want [the laser pointer] back?
JOHN: No..?
ANNIE: /shoves the laser pointer up her nose
JEN: I don't wanna play Minecraft. I wanna read Fruits Basket!
JOHN, MATT & IAN: Whaaaaat?
JEN: Don't snort at me.
JOHN: Snort
NATE: Snort
NICHOLE: Snort
"It's OK, Matt. We listen to reason. …Trampolines don't exist either."
~ John
JOHN: You're a pufferfish!
MATT: What?
"I'm starting to like him. He's an asshole, but he's an asshole in all the shows I like."
~ Jen (about Wesley Crusher)
"You didn't see what went on upstairs! These three helped steal my pants!"
~ Nate
"If you tell kids their epidermis is showing they tend to look down."
~Annie
"There was a big bang. Lots of people died. But you know, that's just how dinner goes."
~Jen
"My boob liked it but I didn't."
~ Katie
ANNIE: My head was in Molly's crotch! It was ridiculous!
JOHN: Can we quote that?
ANNIE: NO!
"All I hear is nonsense and hot gas."
~ Sam (to Tiffany)
"We really need to stop dancing by the pizza."
~ John
"YOU DON'T APOLOGIZE IN THE GAME OF TWISTER!"
~ Steph
"Your ankles are like knives!"
~ Jen (to Nate)
"I don't know if I can finish this. Especially with the chicken coming. I think I might throw up. …but I will eat this cookie."
~ Sam
Andrew: DO ME!!! *punch*
Cam: If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
CAM: Crazy dude attacked me!
MATT: He punched me!
CAM: That's a load of crap.
NATE: You wake up to see John with a shit-eating grin on his face.
MATT: Okay, who let the shit out?
Nate: "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!"
JOHN: I don't know if they're laughing at my jokes or because I just stopped talking.
ALI & NICHOLE: … /burst out laughing
"I'm not evil. I'm just…bored."
~ Ali
"Turn right on Willie Way! …I mean White Avenue."
~ Elayna
"That makes sense! Someone died."
~ Alicia
"Actually Ali was there when I bought it and the other person let it slip…so obviously it's Nate's fault."
~ Jen
"I need to make sure I bring extra cameras for my battery."
~ Ali
"I put too much coffee in my creamer!"
~ Ali
SAM: /fake singing. When I grow up, I wanna have boobies.
STEPH: Are you guys talking about Justin Bieber?
"I don't want your stupid genes in my offspring."
~ Jen
"You can have a threesome with only two people. …Time travel's awesome!"
~ John
[walks by and stares at Ali under the table] "Such a dork. Sitting under the table with a Pokemon blanket, reading Star Trek."
~ Jen (to Ali)
"I do believe I commanded thee to move."
~ Nichole
JOHN: I beg forth to differ!
ANNIE: Keep begging.
"Alright, blood suckers: I'll bite."
~ Jen
"I may be black but [Steph] does NOT have to talk to me like that."
~ Sam
"Because you're an Army cat and you're all that you can be."
~ Jen (to Kai)
ALI: Is that scientific?
NICHOLE: No, that's Nichole-tific.
ALI: Psh.
NICHOLE: Psh yourself.
ALI: And Batman
STEPH: I hate it when you have to fire glue sticks!
JEN: Well maybe if they weren't lazy Mexican glue sticks.
"If Oscar[Ali's mum's dog] were human, he'd be a black dude. I don't know why. I think it's cuz he's always barking."
~ Elayna
John: No… a Root Canal isn't actually all that scary.
Aaron: But what if you were ALIVE?!
NICHOLE (to jen): "You smell like artificial cherries, just so you know"
JEN: "That's what my mouth tastes like..in case you wanted to know.."
NICHOLE: "Not really, but thanks"
JOHN: I'm actually really happy I'm wearing pants right now.
JACLYN: We're not.
/John hits Jaclyn with a nunchuck. "Ow. …do it again."
~ Jaclyn
"You can't steal my brofist."
~ Cameron
"Nichole! Now you must swim through the Sea of Knowledge!"
~ Jen
JOSH T.: I think that's the second time I've seen Kevin Bacon's ass.
JOSH H.: You keep track?
STEPH: I see tits, though.
JOSH T: Not Kevin Bacon's tits, though.
(after an associate reads off the amount needed for payment) "See, now you want me to pay. And I thought we were becoming friends. That's it! Friendship over!"
~ Customer at Kohl's
"Wait. Do trains fuck boats now?"
~ Andrew
"You just had your English corrected by an Engineering major. Do you know what level that puts you at now?"
~ John
ALI: Well, I guess you don't need to know math to know fashion.
EMILY: Apparently not.
STEPH: What did you say?
JEN: Nothing about your mother.
"I'm saving myself for cheesy fries."
~ Nichole
JEN: Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay…all night and then nothing.
MEGAN: I woulda killed him.
"It is now my mission to eat all of the cookies before they get back. …I'll be in the kitchen."
~ Jen
"I know I can count on you to destroy the evidence."
~ Ali (to Jen)
"Stop humping my turkey!"
~ Nichole (to Sam)
"Yeah, I had a boyfriend. No, wait!"
~ Nate
"Anything Nate can do, I can do better."
~ John
ALI: David Tennant [as the Doctor] left some huge shoes to fill.
JEN: Yup. You would need a clown.
"I bring tidings of peanuts and beer…except it's chips and Sprite."
~ John
"I only had to tell [Jen] twice to open her mouth."
~ Nichole
"She looks so comfortable. Dammit!"
~ Steph
JOHN: I'd do her in a second.
NICHOLE: Really John? That long?
JEN: Yeah, he doesn't take that long.
JOHN: You guys are impossible.
JEN: We're not possible?
NICHOLE: Do you wanna be?
"You can buy a Golden Snitch! …although I'm pretty sure that's silver."
~ Nichole
"It's like 95% fish, 5% dragon."
~ Steph
"Good day. Called Ali a turd, almost choked Nichole…you guys are gunna hate me by the end of the snow day."
~ Jen
"No, don't look! I have a lot of butt sex!"
~Sam
"What are you doing with your pants down your hands? I mean…"
~ Sam
ASHLEY: Uh, Jason, where would you be?
JASON: Hiding
ASHLEY: Why would you do that?
JASON: It's Halloween!
SAM: Oh, yes! Oh god, Ali! Aw, yeah! /deep breaths followed by a satisfied sigh
ALI: You're done already?
/runs into the livingroom. "I just made Nichole's night by being naked!"
~ Jen
"Ooh. Floppy bread. It flops." (Nichole and Ali start laughing) "It's FLOPPY!"
~ Steph
NICHOLE: You're gonna be gone for what? Three, four days?
STEPH: Which is why I'm gonna sandwich you and leave.
"I'm learning. Someday I'll evolve into something better."
~ Nate
"I can't be trusted to give things back. It's better if I just hold onto it."
~ John
JEN: Give them some respect. They might love Christmas as much as we love Halloween.
NICHOLE: Nonsense.
ALI: Get over yo'self
JEN: Pfft. Do you know how hard that is? I'm awesome.
"Yes, Ali, I'm bringing my laundry to the bog water while everyone watches constellations."
~ Nichole
"I don't know what to call a third."
~ Jen
NICHOLE: I swear I closed that [barn] door.
JEN: You did. [The cats] know how to open it.
ALI: They're velociraptors!
"I went to the University of Awesome!"
~ Katie
"I asked you guys why you would always travel together, know each other… and you give me 'he fixed my broken fridge'."
~ John
MEGAN: If you're against the family and Will's your twin brother…wouldn't James be offed?
JAMIE: That's a good point!
JAMES: I'm Belgian. It's OK.
"Roll your 'shroom."
~ Katie
"I have $10 and an appearance of 11. I'm fucked."
~ Katie
"Ok. Fruck."
~ Jamie
"I'll have the whole Jamaican mafia on their asses."
~ Jamie
"Hark! A ruckus!"
~ Katie
JOHN: He's not listening to you.
JAMIE: SON OF A BITCH!
"Well, Jamie's laughing his ass off so something purple must've happened."
~ Ian
ALI: I woke up.
MEGAN: I rolled a one.
JOHN: You wake the fuck up.
KATIE: Honey, this one's leaking.
JAMES: I'll give you a tampon.
"Stop smoking the USB stick!"
~ John
"I'll jab my pick-axe into his head but that would kill him too."
~ Katie
"SOULS! It's time to feed!"
~ Katie
ALI: But how do you know!?
KATIE: Because he's never died before!!
"Roll your meterology."
~ Katie
KATIE: I'm on a plane!
JOHN: Motherfucker?
MEGAN: Are there peanuts on the plane?
KATIE: Complimentary, I hope.
MEGAN: Well, yeah. I don't pay for peanuts.
"Running sounds like a good idea right now, doesn't it?"
~ Jamie
"Splodey! Let's go!"
~ Katie
"So my husband's dead. I need consoling."
~ Katie
"He's gonna have to find some other messiahs!"
~ Will
"Tell us we're saving the world and I'll feel better."
~ Katie
"They're bookist!"
~ Katie
MEGAN: Does everything taste like chicken, or does chicken taste like everything?
KATIE: WHOA!
"Selma Hayek is swinging back and forth?"
~ Katie
--
"Even if you don't believe in evolution, why would god create a chicken?"
~ John
"I just cut someone off. And I didn't get honked at! Good day."
~ Jen
"We are vaginas!"
~ Jen
"Had I known it was there, I would've eaten it."
~ Nichole
NATE: Is it really stealing if you have consent?
ALI: Yes. No. NO! I didn't mean to say "yes"
"That's the most horrific thing I've heard all day!"
~Ali
SAM: Don't do it, Cynthia!
/ten seconds later…
STEPH: Her name's Beverly!
"I love taking comas!"
~ Nate's Josh
"Well if you use a little charmander clothes will fall off."
~ Nate's Josh
"She's not even crazy in a sensical way!"
~ Cam
"You're double entangouring me!"
~ Steph
"Two girl Tony's and two boy Andrews. It fits."
~Toni
"Guys, I don't think it's safe here. We should go rollerskating."
~ Ali
"I'm sorry. I had nothing to do with this. I just think it's funny."
~ John
"If this scene [where the bears are eating salmon in Brother Bear] was in Finding Nemo, it would be highly morbid."
~ John
"I proved it wasn't October because it's September. But that was child's play."
~ Katie
"Something fell off your face."
~ Sam
JOHN: You're drunk.
CAM: I'm aware of that. But you're still wrong!
"I know my Constitution. You're an idiot!"
~ Cam
"California loses!"
~Cam
"When god made the universe, he had a root beer float."
~ Jen
JEN: Who's Pudge?
JOHN: Pudge controls the weather.
NATE: Fifteen minutes into the movie and I'm already lost
ALI: So, basically, you see the guys without heads? They're dead.
NICHOLE: Attic, closet? Isn't it the same thing? [Anne Frank] lived somewhere.
NATE: And then she lived in an oven.
"I'm quoting you. Shut the fuck up."
~Ali
"They might use it as a lawn ornament. Ron would do that, too. Some people might have flamingos or gravestones…no. Ron needs to get a MOTHER FUCKIN' BOAT."
~ Ali
"You're a tri-whore, John."
~ Andrew
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her read."
~ Margaret Douglas? (horticulturalist)
"He ate me! He took my head and he bit it!"
~Matt
"I just got wa-buffeted."
~Bill
JEN: /sigh. We're always disagreeing on something.
ALI: No, we're not.
Jen: I'm a hussy, that's what i do.
(Andrew, from across the room): You're a hussy and a Jew?
Jen: (speaking to Jess) So how is the baby?
Whitney: I aborted it and mixed it into your cereal. Enjoy.
"This one is parishable and this one doesn't."
-Ali
TODD: So many new people to meet and eat.
STEPH: Only if you're playing HvZ
TODD: …legally.
"Centipedes are weird; they have way too many legs for me to like them."
~Sam
JOHN: Left some chocolate in the pockets for that nigger.
STEPH: Such a violent word.
JOHN: What? "Chocolate"?
WILL: Go catch the bus.
STEPH: No.
WILL: Simon says go catch the bus.
[talking about biochemistry] "I don't understand this French."
~Jen
"It's Earth Day, silly! I just saw so many tits and dicks, it's ridiculous."
~Steph
"I had a pet dinosaur once. It ate pride. It ate people. I had to put it down because it ate my pet stick…"
~Jen
"I'm Ali's friend now. We're going to hell together."
~Linda
"OK, fine. Hump my arm. I don't care."
~Heidi
"I am gonna talk to your computer. Hi Ali's computer. Ali is a witch. She probably casts spells on you. I know its a hard life, but hang in there. She might give you feet someday, then you can run away!"
~John
BUTLER: You realize it's against my contract to help you, right?
ANDREW: Well, then, how are you going to feed me a sandwich?
"It's scary cuz he's ugly."
~Heidi
JEN: *trying to hypnotize* You are feeling veeerrryyyy sleeeeepyyyy…
ALI: No, I'm not.
JEN: OK. I'll get a mallet.
"You had me at Asian."
~Jaclyn
"It's awesome! I love pie!"
~John
"It's wonderful. It's a heart attack on a plate. Just what I wanted tonight: a heart attack."
~Jen
"Get off my sidewalk. I'm working this sidewalk."
~Jen
"I hate it when the spine doesn't separate."
~Jen
"I love you; I just love winning more."
~Katie
"I was too busy gloating. You know: ruining your life."
~Katie
"Good bread. French bread. The kind you knock on and it knocks back."
~Jen
"I want to investigate the duckiness of him."
~Andy
ANDY: We're accusing you of bad air.
JOHN: I'm a pollutant, I'm sorry. I'm an SUV!
"Are you arguing with your own idea?"
~Todd
JOHN: Why don't you tell the captain what you see?
KATIE: Oh, right! Captain, [points dramatically to her right] LOOK!
JOHN: You find sexy lengerie!
MEGHAN: Ew. They're old people.
MEGHAN: Wait. The minister says "get the fuck in here"?
JOHN: Yes.
MEGHAN: What kinda church is this!?
JOHN: A kick-ass church!
JOHN: [to Matt] There's a good reason I'm keeping you ugly.
KATIE: [instant clarity] OH! You're a fish!
"GAY! We can buy a DOOR for $30!"
~Yusef
"I got you the gun you shot me with!"
~Yusef
JOHN: Wait! You're not a fisherman!
YUSEF: No, I'm a seaman
"We can brasier it to the car."
~Geoff
KATIE: [le gasp] The Deep Ones!?
JOHN: No, no, no. It's not THAT bad.
KATIE: ………the deepER ones?
JOHN: The rest of you find little pieces of cheese. They are delicious.
JEN: I eat the cheese.
ME: …you eat the cheese.
JEN: Hey, I finds it, I wants it.
"Who wants to walk upstairs to play pool? That's ridiculous!"
~Jen
"Why do I need to be txt'd a happy face?"
~Katie
"You almost made me fall on a person."
~Andrew
"Who the fuck buys a laptop with their laptop?"
~John
"No, I'm not trying to push you off. I'm trying to hurt you."
~John
"I fail at knitting, but I swear: by the end of the mission, all of these dogs will have sweaters."
~Todd
"So he had a remarkably similar back of the head."
~Andrew
"Roll a drama."
~Katie
"Where exactly are we going, because your mansion doesn't exist."
~Bill
"At the spiritual warrior's request, I'm going to drink some alcohol."
~Andrew
"What? Medusa vaginas!?!"
~Geoff
"There better be fighting, or I'm starting one."
~Bill
"So, in the very least, you fucked up."
~Andrew
"Somebody's following me. I don't like that."
~Matt
"Oh, we have masks? Cool. We're fine, then."
~Geoff
"The Kobolt totally said 'butnam'. I wanna giggle."
~John
"I heard a loud noise. Shut up and let me go."
~Ian
"You can't be mad at someone when they grab your penis."
~John
"Gravity is a contributing factor in 73% of all accidents involving falling objects."
~joke in Coffee News
"That's what happens when people fight me: They get eaten by fish. That's a fact."
~Josh
"My family's inherently Batman."
~Andrew
"I want you out of me. All of you; not just one finger."
~Ali
"Chuck Norris is too badass to have a uterus, and Mr. T is no one's bitch."
~John
"Let's get drunk and watch Power Rangers!"
~Ian
"I think it's safe to say I've gone insane. How're you?"
~Ian
"He puts a smile in his pocket?"
~Katie
ALI: Sounds like Walt Disney World.
KATIE: Or Story Land! Where fantasy lives!
"I suspect that they are aliens."
~Jen
"Hey. Hey. I am more insane than you; cut that out."
~Andrew
"Butler's aren't human, they're subhuman!"
~Katie
"Guys, I don't know if you know this, but this guy can't see."
~Tony
"Where is your Cthulhu now?"
~Ian
BUTLER: You realize it's against my contract to help you, right?
ANDREW: Well, then, how are you going to feed me a sandwich?
"I'm not having an argument with you! You don't know where tigers live!"
~JEN
ANDREW: "What are you guys doing?"
JEN: "Are vampires real?"
"it looks like I got a dog hair [in my pencil holder] and it got inked up. Either that, or a blue dog got into my backpack."
~Jen
GEOFF: I've been with the same girl for 8 years.
STEPH & SAM: "AAWWWWWW!" *Geoff falls off his chair*
John: " Matt's a suicide burner."
ALI: Will noticed me. :[
GEOFF: That's surprising.
(three seconds later from down the hall…)
Will: What are you talking about? I notice things!
Jen: Ron, how would you feel if you got turned into a unicorn?
RON: …horny
ALI & CAM discussing super powers.
ALI: What if you could talk to machines?
CAM: Why would I wanna do that? They don't have anything interesting to say.
"Chemistry's happening now; biology will happen later."
~Steph
JEN: But if they don't have high calcium, they won't have strong teeth!
TODD: Cells don't have teeth.
JEN: They don't!? Then how will they CHOMP things!?
JEN: We need more Ali quotes
ALI: I don't really say anything all that funny.
"Who lives in a pineapple under a bridge? MATTHEW BRODEUR!"
~John
"Just cuz you did it first doesn't mean you're better. I mean, look at Ford."
~Jen
STEPH: I'll kick your balls up your throat!
TODD: I'll kick your balls up your throat!
STEPH: I don't have a throat!
LAURA: What did you put on my face?
TODD: Warm pee.
"No, he said that but I put it in your head."
~Jen
"I have to study. The bear's watching me."
~Jen
LAURA: You mean the one who looks like a phallus?
ALI: I like that quote. [meant to say:] It's subtle but harsh at the same time. [Instead blurted out…] It's soft but hard.
JEN: John is my precious little flower.
STEPH: Yeah, that you like to beat the shit out of.
JEN: FLOWERS ARE MEANT TO BE STOMPED ON!!!
"Ever wonder why they call it a blow job? Maybe cuz the guy blows if it's good."
~Steph
"Oh, no. You're murdering people."
~Andrew
"Oh, look at this kid. Oh, you don't have to. It's James."
~Steph
MATT: It's kinda cold in here. Oh, look. The window's open. Hey, Andrew, close the window.
ANDREW: You're a window.
ANDREW: Does that mean it's midnight?
ALI: In two minutes.
ANDREW: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKK!!!!
ALI: What?
ANDREW: ..I'm sleepy.
"Ah-ha! My titties are invisible."
~Andrew
"Doesn't everybody like dicks?"
~Andrew
"He's not being politically correct! He's being wrong."
~Ali
"I'm all wet down here. WTF."
~Sam
"Apparently these things do just happen."
~Matt
*Nate hits Jen.*
NATE: You were open.
JEN: It's business hours.
STEPH: Oh, look, there's a squirrel over there. You should look.
ALI: No.
STEPH: *annoyed* Damn. Now I have to go get my own watermelon.
"When you come in last at everything, you start hooking!"
~Jamie
"He seems very culty."
~Andrew
"Roll a rape."
~John
[quoting Matt] "'How many miles in a feet'?"
~Andrew
"You got called to the fucking cultist's office and got raped."
~Jamie
WILL: Andrew, you remember you shoved a roll of 20s up your ass.
ANDREW: If I pass my conceal, can I have money in my…
JOHN: NO! Dear God, no! Many times no!
"Books by Ian? That's an oxymoron."
~Matt
MEGAN: Yup. I've noticed that, too.
JOHN: *shrugs* She's noticed that too.
"It has to be bitchy, not dicky."
~Andrew
"Ooh, Andy, drop something near my ass again."
~John
"I'm being showered in Goldfish."
~John
MATT: I've had enough of these Liberal Arts colleges
JOHN: Oh, they've had enough of you.
"We're playing Cthulhu! Graduation is the least of your worries!"
~John
"When it comes to drugs and cult fanatics, just say no."
~Will (almighty voice from down the hall)
ANDREW: This isn't Winnie-the-Pooh.
JAMIE: The Huffleumps will find you.
"Your character's fat. How did he run away?"
~Andrew (to Matt)
"I rolled a toast!"
~John
"Everybody looks sketchy as fuck. This is the abandoned warehouse."
~John
"I don't see any images…" *page loads* "AHHHHHHH!" *slams laptop*
~ Bridgette
MATT: But then a squirrel can't knock out the power for the entire Eastern Seaboard.
JOHN: No, then the entire Eastern Seaboard will knock out all the squirrels!
WILL: Put a banana in your pillow.
RON: What did you say?
WILL & ALI: A banana
RON: Oh. I thought you said a water balloon out of mayonnaise.
"Just wanted you to know that you're wiping your tit and everyone knows."
~Sam
JOHN: I'm an inductor and he's a capacitor.
CAM: Stop ruining Ethernet!
JEN: You don't like to be forked, do you?
NATE: No, I like to do the forking.
"I fork, therefore I am."
~ Will
*John stares at Jen and waits for her reaction*
JEN: What?
JOHN: YOU'RE NOT A BEAVER!
"You wanna get uninvited to the pool tonight? Cuz I'll forget!"
~ Steph
"It's cuz I just swallowed milk as you stabbed me."
~ Sam
"I don't talk retard. I'm sorry."
~Sam
SAM: What the hell is a tellipede?
STEPH: It's like a centipede but with telli legs instead of milli.
SAM: ..don't you mean centi?
"Fuck! My inside leg!"
~ Sam
STEPH: You can't eat a cookie without reading the fortune first because you'll get a fortune like Jen's hooker one!
JEN: *sob*
TIFFANY: There are some guys I just don't wanna see shirtless.
JEN: *nods* Jabba the Hut.
STEPH: I don't know how I would feel if I were a chicken.
WILL: You'd feel peckish.
"No, Ian's not direct. He'd say I made a subtle gesture at you three weeks ago."
~John
