Return to Quotations

~Quotes found in friends? Put them here.~1

"I had a pet dinosaur once. It ate pride. It ate people. I had to put it down because it ate my pet stick…"

"I'm Ali's friend now. We're going to hell together."

"OK, fine. Hump my arm. I don't care."

"I am gonna talk to your computer. Hi Ali's computer. Ali is a witch. She probably casts spells on you. I know its a hard life, but hang in there. She might give you feet someday, then you can run away!"

BUTLER: You realize it's against my contract to help you, right?
ANDREW: Well, then, how are you going to feed me a sandwich?
"It's scary cuz he's ugly."

JEN: *trying to hypnotize* You are feeling veeerrryyyy sleeeeepyyyy…
ALI: No, I'm not.
JEN: OK. I'll get a mallet.

"You had me at Asian."

"It's awesome! I love pie!"

"It's wonderful. It's a heart attack on a plate. Just what I wanted tonight: a heart attack."

"Get off my sidewalk. I'm working this sidewalk."

"I hate it when the spine doesn't separate."

"I love you; I just love winning more."

"I was too busy gloating. You know: ruining your life."

"Good bread. French bread. The kind you knock on and it knocks back."

"I want to investigate the duckiness of him."

ANDY: We're accusing you of bad air.
JOHN: I'm a pollutant, I'm sorry. I'm an SUV!

"Are you arguing with your own idea?"

JOHN: Why don't you tell the captain what you see?
KATIE: Oh, right! Captain, [points dramatically to her right] LOOK!

JOHN: You find sexy lengerie!
MEGHAN: Ew. They're old people.

MEGHAN: Wait. The minister says "get the fuck in here"?
JOHN: Yes.
MEGHAN: What kinda church is this!?
JOHN: A kick-ass church!

JOHN: [to Matt] There's a good reason I'm keeping you ugly.
KATIE: [instant clarity] OH! You're a fish!

"GAY! We can buy a DOOR for $30!"

"I got you the gun you shot me with!"

JOHN: Wait! You're not a fisherman!
YUSEF: No, I'm a seaman

"We can brasier it to the car."

KATIE: [le gasp] The Deep Ones!?
JOHN: No, no, no. It's not THAT bad.
KATIE: ………the deepER ones?

JOHN: The rest of you find little pieces of cheese. They are delicious.
JEN: I eat the cheese.
ME: …you eat the cheese.
JEN: Hey, I finds it, I wants it.

"Who wants to walk upstairs to play pool? That's ridiculous!"

"Why do I need to be txt'd a happy face?"

"You almost made me fall on a person."

"Who the fuck buys a laptop with their laptop?"

"No, I'm not trying to push you off. I'm trying to hurt you."

"I fail at knitting, but I swear: by the end of the mission, all of these dogs will have sweaters."

"So he had a remarkably similar back of the head."

"Roll a drama."

"Where exactly are we going, because your mansion doesn't exist."

"At the spiritual warrior's request, I'm going to drink some alcohol."

"What? Medusa vaginas!?!"

"There better be fighting, or I'm starting one."

"So, in the very least, you fucked up."

"Somebody's following me. I don't like that."

"Oh, we have masks? Cool. We're fine, then."

"The Kobolt totally said 'butnam'. I wanna giggle."

"I heard a loud noise. Shut up and let me go."

"You can't be mad at someone when they grab your penis."

"Gravity is a contributing factor in 73% of all accidents involving falling objects."
~joke in Coffee News

"That's what happens when people fight me: They get eaten by fish. That's a fact."

"My family's inherently Batman."

"I want you out of me. All of you; not just one finger."

"Chuck Norris is too badass to have a uterus, and Mr. T is no one's bitch."

"Let's get drunk and watch Power Rangers!"

"I think it's safe to say I've gone insane. How're you?"

"He puts a smile in his pocket?"

ALI: Sounds like Walt Disney World.
KATIE: Or Story Land! Where fantasy lives!

"I suspect that they are aliens."

"Hey. Hey. I am more insane than you; cut that out."

"Butler's aren't human, they're subhuman!"

"Guys, I don't know if you know this, but this guy can't see."

"Where is your Cthulhu now?"

BUTLER: You realize it's against my contract to help you, right?
ANDREW: Well, then, how are you going to feed me a sandwich?

"I'm not having an argument with you! You don't know where tigers live!"

ANDREW: "What are you guys doing?"
JEN: "Are vampires real?"

"it looks like I got a dog hair [in my pencil holder] and it got inked up. Either that, or a blue dog got into my backpack."

GEOFF: I've been with the same girl for 8 years.
STEPH & SAM: "AAWWWWWW!" *Geoff falls off his chair*

John: " Matt's a suicide burner."

ALI: Will noticed me. :[
GEOFF: That's surprising.
(three seconds later from down the hall…)
Will: What are you talking about? I notice things!

Jen: Ron, how would you feel if you got turned into a unicorn?
RON: …horny

ALI & CAM discussing super powers.
ALI: What if you could talk to machines?
CAM: Why would I wanna do that? They don't have anything interesting to say.

"Chemistry's happening now; biology will happen later."

JEN: But if they don't have high calcium, they won't have strong teeth!
TODD: Cells don't have teeth.
JEN: They don't!? Then how will they CHOMP things!?

JEN: We need more Ali quotes
ALI: I don't really say anything all that funny.

"Who lives in a pineapple under a bridge? MATTHEW BRODEUR!"

"Just cuz you did it first doesn't mean you're better. I mean, look at Ford."

STEPH: I'll kick your balls up your throat!
TODD: I'll kick your balls up your throat!
STEPH: I don't have a throat!

LAURA: What did you put on my face?
TODD: Warm pee.

"No, he said that but I put it in your head."

"I have to study. The bear's watching me."

LAURA: You mean the one who looks like a phallus?
ALI: I like that quote. [meant to say:] It's subtle but harsh at the same time. [Instead blurted out…] It's soft but hard.

JEN: John is my precious little flower.
STEPH: Yeah, that you like to beat the shit out of.

"Ever wonder why they call it a blow job? Maybe cuz the guy blows if it's good."

"Oh, no. You're murdering people."

"Oh, look at this kid. Oh, you don't have to. It's James."

MATT: It's kinda cold in here. Oh, look. The window's open. Hey, Andrew, close the window.
ANDREW: You're a window.

ANDREW: Does that mean it's midnight?
ALI: In two minutes.
ALI: What?
ANDREW: ..I'm sleepy.

"Ah-ha! My titties are invisible."

"Doesn't everybody like dicks?"

"He's not being politically correct! He's being wrong."

"I'm all wet down here. WTF."

"Apparently these things do just happen."

*Nate hits Jen.*
NATE: You were open.
JEN: It's business hours.

STEPH: Oh, look, there's a squirrel over there. You should look.
ALI: No.
STEPH: *annoyed* Damn. Now I have to go get my own watermelon.

"When you come in last at everything, you start hooking!"

"He seems very culty."

"Roll a rape."

[quoting Matt] "'How many miles in a feet'?"

"You got called to the fucking cultist's office and got raped."

WILL: Andrew, you remember you shoved a roll of 20s up your ass.
ANDREW: If I pass my conceal, can I have money in my…
JOHN: NO! Dear God, no! Many times no!

"Books by Ian? That's an oxymoron."

MEGAN: Yup. I've noticed that, too.
JOHN: *shrugs* She's noticed that too.

"It has to be bitchy, not dicky."

"Ooh, Andy, drop something near my ass again."

"I'm being showered in Goldfish."

MATT: I've had enough of these Liberal Arts colleges
JOHN: Oh, they've had enough of you.

"We're playing Cthulhu! Graduation is the least of your worries!"

"When it comes to drugs and cult fanatics, just say no."
~Will (almighty voice from down the hall)

ANDREW: This isn't Winnie-the-Pooh.
JAMIE: The Huffleumps will find you.

"Your character's fat. How did he run away?"
~Andrew (to Matt)

"I rolled a toast!"

"Everybody looks sketchy as fuck. This is the abandoned warehouse."

"I don't see any images…" *page loads* "AHHHHHHH!" *slams laptop*
~ Bridgette

MATT: But then a squirrel can't knock out the power for the entire Eastern Seaboard.
JOHN: No, then the entire Eastern Seaboard will knock out all the squirrels!

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