Friends

Return to Quotations

~Quotes found in friends? Put them here.~1


"I had a pet dinosaur once. It ate pride. It ate people. I had to put it down because it ate my pet stick…"
~Jen


"I'm Ali's friend now. We're going to hell together."
~Linda


"OK, fine. Hump my arm. I don't care."
~Heidi


"I am gonna talk to your computer. Hi Ali's computer. Ali is a witch. She probably casts spells on you. I know its a hard life, but hang in there. She might give you feet someday, then you can run away!"
~John


BUTLER: You realize it's against my contract to help you, right?
ANDREW: Well, then, how are you going to feed me a sandwich?
"It's scary cuz he's ugly."
~Heidi


JEN: *trying to hypnotize* You are feeling veeerrryyyy sleeeeepyyyy…
ALI: No, I'm not.
JEN: OK. I'll get a mallet.


"You had me at Asian."
~Jaclyn


"It's awesome! I love pie!"
~John


"It's wonderful. It's a heart attack on a plate. Just what I wanted tonight: a heart attack."
~Jen


"Get off my sidewalk. I'm working this sidewalk."
~Jen


"I hate it when the spine doesn't separate."
~Jen


"I love you; I just love winning more."
~Katie


"I was too busy gloating. You know: ruining your life."
~Katie


"Good bread. French bread. The kind you knock on and it knocks back."
~Jen


"I want to investigate the duckiness of him."
~Andy


ANDY: We're accusing you of bad air.
JOHN: I'm a pollutant, I'm sorry. I'm an SUV!


"Are you arguing with your own idea?"
~Todd


JOHN: Why don't you tell the captain what you see?
KATIE: Oh, right! Captain, [points dramatically to her right] LOOK!


JOHN: You find sexy lengerie!
MEGHAN: Ew. They're old people.


MEGHAN: Wait. The minister says "get the fuck in here"?
JOHN: Yes.
MEGHAN: What kinda church is this!?
JOHN: A kick-ass church!


JOHN: [to Matt] There's a good reason I'm keeping you ugly.
KATIE: [instant clarity] OH! You're a fish!


"GAY! We can buy a DOOR for $30!"
~Yusef


"I got you the gun you shot me with!"
~Yusef


JOHN: Wait! You're not a fisherman!
YUSEF: No, I'm a seaman


"We can brasier it to the car."
~Geoff


KATIE: [le gasp] The Deep Ones!?
JOHN: No, no, no. It's not THAT bad.
KATIE: ………the deepER ones?


JOHN: The rest of you find little pieces of cheese. They are delicious.
JEN: I eat the cheese.
ME: …you eat the cheese.
JEN: Hey, I finds it, I wants it.


"Who wants to walk upstairs to play pool? That's ridiculous!"
~Jen


"Why do I need to be txt'd a happy face?"
~Katie


"You almost made me fall on a person."
~Andrew


"Who the fuck buys a laptop with their laptop?"
~John


"No, I'm not trying to push you off. I'm trying to hurt you."
~John


"I fail at knitting, but I swear: by the end of the mission, all of these dogs will have sweaters."
~Todd


"So he had a remarkably similar back of the head."
~Andrew


"Roll a drama."
~Katie


"Where exactly are we going, because your mansion doesn't exist."
~Bill


"At the spiritual warrior's request, I'm going to drink some alcohol."
~Andrew


"What? Medusa vaginas!?!"
~Geoff


"There better be fighting, or I'm starting one."
~Bill


"So, in the very least, you fucked up."
~Andrew


"Somebody's following me. I don't like that."
~Matt


"Oh, we have masks? Cool. We're fine, then."
~Geoff


"The Kobolt totally said 'butnam'. I wanna giggle."
~John


"I heard a loud noise. Shut up and let me go."
~Ian


"You can't be mad at someone when they grab your penis."
~John


"Gravity is a contributing factor in 73% of all accidents involving falling objects."
~joke in Coffee News


"That's what happens when people fight me: They get eaten by fish. That's a fact."
~Josh


"My family's inherently Batman."
~Andrew


"I want you out of me. All of you; not just one finger."
~Ali


"Chuck Norris is too badass to have a uterus, and Mr. T is no one's bitch."
~John


"Let's get drunk and watch Power Rangers!"
~Ian


"I think it's safe to say I've gone insane. How're you?"
~Ian


"He puts a smile in his pocket?"
~Katie


ALI: Sounds like Walt Disney World.
KATIE: Or Story Land! Where fantasy lives!


"I suspect that they are aliens."
~Jen


"Hey. Hey. I am more insane than you; cut that out."
~Andrew


"Butler's aren't human, they're subhuman!"
~Katie


"Guys, I don't know if you know this, but this guy can't see."
~Tony


"Where is your Cthulhu now?"
~Ian


BUTLER: You realize it's against my contract to help you, right?
ANDREW: Well, then, how are you going to feed me a sandwich?


"I'm not having an argument with you! You don't know where tigers live!"
~JEN


ANDREW: "What are you guys doing?"
JEN: "Are vampires real?"


"it looks like I got a dog hair [in my pencil holder] and it got inked up. Either that, or a blue dog got into my backpack."
~Jen


GEOFF: I've been with the same girl for 8 years.
STEPH & SAM: "AAWWWWWW!" *Geoff falls off his chair*


John: " Matt's a suicide burner."


ALI: Will noticed me. :[
GEOFF: That's surprising.
(three seconds later from down the hall…)
Will: What are you talking about? I notice things!


Jen: Ron, how would you feel if you got turned into a unicorn?
RON: …horny


ALI & CAM discussing super powers.
ALI: What if you could talk to machines?
CAM: Why would I wanna do that? They don't have anything interesting to say.


"Chemistry's happening now; biology will happen later."
~Steph


JEN: But if they don't have high calcium, they won't have strong teeth!
TODD: Cells don't have teeth.
JEN: They don't!? Then how will they CHOMP things!?


JEN: We need more Ali quotes
ALI: I don't really say anything all that funny.


"Who lives in a pineapple under a bridge? MATTHEW BRODEUR!"
~John


"Just cuz you did it first doesn't mean you're better. I mean, look at Ford."
~Jen


STEPH: I'll kick your balls up your throat!
TODD: I'll kick your balls up your throat!
STEPH: I don't have a throat!


LAURA: What did you put on my face?
TODD: Warm pee.


"No, he said that but I put it in your head."
~Jen


"I have to study. The bear's watching me."
~Jen


LAURA: You mean the one who looks like a phallus?
ALI: I like that quote. [meant to say:] It's subtle but harsh at the same time. [Instead blurted out…] It's soft but hard.


JEN: John is my precious little flower.
STEPH: Yeah, that you like to beat the shit out of.
JEN: FLOWERS ARE MEANT TO BE STOMPED ON!!!


"Ever wonder why they call it a blow job? Maybe cuz the guy blows if it's good."
~Steph


"Oh, no. You're murdering people."
~Andrew


"Oh, look at this kid. Oh, you don't have to. It's James."
~Steph


MATT: It's kinda cold in here. Oh, look. The window's open. Hey, Andrew, close the window.
ANDREW: You're a window.


ANDREW: Does that mean it's midnight?
ALI: In two minutes.
ANDREW: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKK!!!!
ALI: What?
ANDREW: ..I'm sleepy.


"Ah-ha! My titties are invisible."
~Andrew


"Doesn't everybody like dicks?"
~Andrew


"He's not being politically correct! He's being wrong."
~Ali


"I'm all wet down here. WTF."
~Sam


"Apparently these things do just happen."
~Matt


*Nate hits Jen.*
NATE: You were open.
JEN: It's business hours.


STEPH: Oh, look, there's a squirrel over there. You should look.
ALI: No.
STEPH: *annoyed* Damn. Now I have to go get my own watermelon.


"When you come in last at everything, you start hooking!"
~Jamie


"He seems very culty."
~Andrew


"Roll a rape."
~John


[quoting Matt] "'How many miles in a feet'?"
~Andrew


"You got called to the fucking cultist's office and got raped."
~Jamie


WILL: Andrew, you remember you shoved a roll of 20s up your ass.
ANDREW: If I pass my conceal, can I have money in my…
JOHN: NO! Dear God, no! Many times no!


"Books by Ian? That's an oxymoron."
~Matt


MEGAN: Yup. I've noticed that, too.
JOHN: *shrugs* She's noticed that too.


"It has to be bitchy, not dicky."
~Andrew


"Ooh, Andy, drop something near my ass again."
~John


"I'm being showered in Goldfish."
~John


MATT: I've had enough of these Liberal Arts colleges
JOHN: Oh, they've had enough of you.


"We're playing Cthulhu! Graduation is the least of your worries!"
~John


"When it comes to drugs and cult fanatics, just say no."
~Will (almighty voice from down the hall)


ANDREW: This isn't Winnie-the-Pooh.
JAMIE: The Huffleumps will find you.


"Your character's fat. How did he run away?"
~Andrew (to Matt)


"I rolled a toast!"
~John


"Everybody looks sketchy as fuck. This is the abandoned warehouse."
~John


"I don't see any images…" *page loads* "AHHHHHHH!" *slams laptop*
~ Bridgette


MATT: But then a squirrel can't knock out the power for the entire Eastern Seaboard.
JOHN: No, then the entire Eastern Seaboard will knock out all the squirrels!


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