Love Is Lyrics

I love you like kings love queens
Like a gay genetisist loves designer jeans
I need you like New Orleans needs a drought
Like Hitler's father needed to learn
To pull out

And I want you (yeah)
Like a lawyer-slash-mathematician
Wants some kind of proof
And I want you (yeah)
Like JFK wanted a car with a roof

Because love is takin' that dive
Then getting really comfortable
And peein' in the pool
And love is a real life porn
Minus all the stuff that makes porn cool
And love is a homeless guy
Searching for treasure in the middle of the rain
And finding a bag of gold coins
And slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate
And even though he's heartbroken
He can't complain
Cuz he was hungry in the first place

Because I love you like Dora loves maps
Like the Pope's toilet loves holy craps
I need you like a Voyeur needs a branch
Like boys tossing salad needs a little bit
Of Neverland Ranch

And I want you (yeah)
Like all the gothic kids who look exactly the same
Never want to conform
And I want you like Anne Frank
Wanted nobody to read her fucking diary
Cuz a diary's a collection of secret things
No one's supposed to read
That's the whole point of a diary
Millions of people that breached this girl's privacy
After she was chased by Nazis
Kick her while she's down.

And if we met in ten thousand B.C.
I was your cave man, yous my cave lady
If we got hot, we'd start rubbin'
If we got hungry, we'd go clubbin'
There's wooly mammoths but I will protect us
You're making me devolve to a homo erectus
(mother fucker)

And if we met in 1780
I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner
And you were my dark-skinned servant lady
(….slave)
Whenever I could get away from the missus
I'd go to your shed and then I'd steal you kisses
But let's be serious, I'd still work you full-time as a slave
There's a difference between romantic language
And a complete disregard for socio-economic trends

And if we met in 1941
I was a Nazi, yous a gypsy on the run
(that's a little redundant)
That……probably wouldn't have worked out…

Because love is your favorite food
For every breakfast, lunch and dinner
And love is the Holocaust
If you don't die quick and you don't get thinner
And love is a B&B owner of the company
That makes rape whistles
And even though you started the company
With good intentions
Trying to reduce the rate of rape
Now you don't wanna reduce it at all
Cuz if the rape rate declines
You'll see an equal decline in whistle sales

Without rape, cuz who's gonna buy your whistles?
Yeah, love is all about whistles.

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