Ncis Quotes

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Ali realized just how many quotes she had from this show….and didn't wanna corrupt the TV quotations page with ALL of them…so she created a separate page. Enjoy. ^^


TONY: Is there a reason you've pulled all [the dolls] heads off, Abby?
ABBY: It's so we know we've checked them,
TONY: Yeah, but the one with the round in it was sitting practically on top. You emptied the entire box.
ABBY: Well…it was kinda fun.
TONY: And they're naked.
ABBY: Shh. I am about to preform my first autopsy.


TONY: Gibbs gets Dress Blue Charlies… I look like one of the Village People.
ABBY: Ha-ha. Maybe you can find a local cop and get a dance routine goin'.


"You can't rush science, Gibbs. You can yell at it and scream at it, but you can't rush it."
~Abby~


"OK, I'll get that APB out on the Lollipop Guild right away."
~Tony~


KATE: Can't you tell when someone's kidding with you?
McGEE: I used to…and then I met you guys.


GIBBS: Well, I got some good news and bad news for you. You've just been promoted to a full-time field agent.
McGEE: Really? *speechless* That's incredible. What's—
GIBBS: You belong to me now.


"A slap to the face would be humiliating; a slap to the back of the head is a wake-up call."
~Gibbs~


"He's a civilian, no ties to the military, his prints don't match any open case files… the boy doesn't even have a speeding ticket. We're talking cleaner than clean; whiter than white. You put him in a line up with snow, snow is going to jail."
~Abby~


TONY: Well, that's an Italian thing, Ducky. Passionate people; it runs in our blood.
KATE: The only thing running through your blood, Tony, is cholesteral. And possibly clamidia.
TONY: It's curable.


ABBY: *appalled* They know *points accusingly at McGee* Did YOU know?
TIM: No…
ABBY: If I find out you knew…I will kill you


GIBBS: You got him?
ABBY: Are you honestly asking me that?
GIBBS: No, Abbs, I called to flirt.


*annoyed* "Do I seem like a guy who would own a squishy little car!?"
~Gibbs~


KATE: Cash, clothes and a car; everything Tony loves.
GIBBS: Let's just hope he's not heading to Vegas.


STRANGER: I was helping them find their dog.
KATE: They had a dog?
STRANGER: A shih tzu named Kate.
KATE: They had a dog named Kate?
GIBBS: What's a shih tzu?
KATE: It's a little annoying dog. Did they describe it?
STRANGER: Yeah, they said it had long brown hair; kinda mangey.
KATE: *looks at Gibbs* I'm gonna shoot him.


"Drawn out digressions is a priveledge earned, Mr. Palmer."
~Ducky~


DUCKY: Do you suspect foul play?
GIBBS: Well, you know me, Duck. I suspect everything.
DUCKY: It's an admirable trait in an investigator; also why your three marriages ended in divorce.
GIBBS: Oh, yeah? And all these years I thought it was because I was a bastard.
DUCKY: Well, of course, that didn't help.


KATE: You're pathetic.
TONY: It's part of my charm.


TIM: It's locked, boss.
GIBBS: Yeah, McGee, it's kinda the point of having doors.


DUCKY: I'm surprised. I pegged you more for the anarchist type
ABBY: I actually used to be an anarchist
DUCKY: What happened?
ABBY: Too many rules


"DiNozzo, was there something in my tone of voice that made it sound like that was a suggestion?"
~Gibbs~


"No self-respecting superhero should wear open-toed shoes."
~Abby~


MRS. MALLARD: Show me your knickers.
KATE: Uhm..ma'am?
MRS. MALLARD: Your underwear, missy. One can always tell a woman's intentions from her panties.
TONY: That's always been my philosophy.


"A little pain is a good thing, Kate, That's why people put hot sauce on tacos."
~Abby~


"You may not admire [Tony's] methods, but you gotta love the results."
~Gibbs~


KATE: Will you please tell him that men and women can just be friends?
ABBY: Absolutely they can.
TONY: Without having sex?
ABBY: Oh, no, they'll have sex.
KATE: Abby!
ABBY: What, Kate? You've never slept with a friend?
KATE: What is wrong with you people?


McGEE: As soon as I get on the water, I immediately start feeling queasy.
TONY: Well that's not a great trait for someone who investigates the Navy.


"The more I know, the less I understand."
~Gibbs~


"[Tony's] like an X-rated Peter Pan."
~Kate~


GIBBS: Feel that?
TONY: Feel what? *Gibbs smacks DiNozzo on the back of the head* Ow!
GIBBS: *smiles* You're still alive. Welcome back, DiNozzo.


FORNELL: My second biggest mistake, Jethro? That's very dramatic. What was the first?
GIBBS: When you married my second wife.
FORNELL: You coulda warned me.
GIBBS: I did!
FORNELL: *looks behind him and sees Tony and Kate* In my own defense, I thought he was exaggerating. He wasn't.


JEN: Why didn't you change the name [of the boat]?
GIBBS: Because it wouldn't matter. Anytime I'd go out on her, I'd think of Diane.
JEN: You could've sold it.
GIBBS: And watch some other guy sail off on her?
JEN: You didn't care who sailed off on Diane.


"For nobody leaving the building, there are a lot of people leaving the building."
~Abby~


TONY: Thanks for the pizza, boss.
GIBBS: Thank the night shift; I swiped it from them.


"It's not a dress, McGee. You can't look up it to see what you want."
~Abby~


FORNELL: You smell like a wet dog.
GIBBS: Well, there was one here. Underneath the bench when I got here. I put him in the gazebo,
FORNELL: Why aren't you in the gazebo?
GIBBS: Dog smells like hell.


GIBBS: If I ask you something, Tobias, are you going to lie to me?
FORNELL: Depends on the question.
GIBBS: What's Ari Haswari's real mission here?
FORNELL: I'm gonna lie to you. Massad lies to the CIA, they lie to us, I lie to you. I don't know who you lie to; being at the bottom of the unfed foodchain. And not married.
GIBBS: So you don't know.
FORNELL: Correct. I do not know.


PAULA: Why couldn't I sit at Kate's desk?
TONY: Mostly because it's still Kate's desk.
PAULA: She was a great agent.
TONY: Yup
PAULA: How are you handling it?
TONY: Same way I handle everything: trying not to think about it.
PAULA: And when that doesn't work?
TONY: There's always junk food.
PAULA: Doesn't sound very healthy, Tony.
TONY: Well, it's either that or I start building a boat in my basement.
PAULA: Did you move from your apartment?
TONY: No. Now you see my dilemma.


McGEE: Now all we have to do is scan through 800,000 miles of satallite imagery and pray we get lucky,
ABBY: I am a scientist, McGee; luck has nothing to do with it and/or us.
McGEE: OK…then how do you explain something like Gibbs' gut?
ABBY: Well that's easy. Gibbs is lucky.
McGEE: But you just said that—
ABBY: He's not a scientist.


"Some people drown their sorrows in drugs and alcohol. I prefer caffiene."
~Abby~


ZIVA: Is [Tony] always this juvenile?
TIM: Only on the days of the week ending in "day"


"We're talking about a guy who has protocols and checklists for brushing and flossing."
~Tony~


"When the going gets tough, the tough go clubbing."
~Tony~


"Nobody likes to get dumped by postal express."
~Gibbs~


ZIVA: You really find [that supermodel] attractive?
TONY: *glances back* Heh. Oh, yeah.
ZIVA: Well, I want to shoot her.


ABBY: *salutes* Thank you, sir!
GIBBS: Don't call me sir.
ABBY: Thank you, ma'am.


"This guy looks like he did an episode of Trading Spaces with Satan."
~Tony~


JEN: Do you think it would be inappropriate, as director, if I went in there and smacked that smile off her face?
GIBBS: *laughs* Yeah, it would. But that's what you have me for.


"I'm Isreali; this isn't my first exploding ambulance."
~Ziva~


TONY: To be more precise, what would you do if I started head-slapping you?
ZIVA: Heh-heh-heh. I'd most likely kill you. It's…a reflex-thing.


TIM: Tony, I can break this guy.
TONY: If you keep cracking your knuckles like that, you're going to break a finger, probie.


TONY'S RAMBLINGS:
"That's a double negative. 'Don't got no' is a double negative. It's a non-standard use of two negative words in the same sentence; cancel each other out and create a positive. Actually, in Shakespeare's day, the double negative was used as an emphatic, but now it's just considered a mistake. Don't know if that's what you intended. Pretty sure it's not. We'll just go with the whole cloak-wheeled enigmatic thing. This[Tetris] is hard. I'm pretty sure you meant do I have any questions and the answer to that question is I have no questions. I do have some observations, though. Cesar. That's an interesting name. Obviously derived from Ceasar. That was a powerful dude. My name's Anthony. Friends call me Tony. Which backwards is Y-not. Anyway, In the pecking order, I'm guessing you're somewhere between the guy who goes out to buy the spray paint that you use for tagging and the guy who digs it out from under your boss' nails."


PALMER: Who would sit on an explosive?
DUCKY: Someone who didn't know they were sitting on the explosive.
PALMER: Of course.
DUCKY: Did it myself once. No, twice. First time I was young, second time foolish.
PALMER: Why were you sitting on an explosive, doctor?
DUCKY: I just told you: I was young and foolish. Haven't you been listening?


TODD: How well do you know Gibbs?
JEN: He was my mentor at NCIS. He taught me most of what I know.
TODD: Yet you're his boss?
JEN: Jethro's a great field agent; he's a great team leader. And he deals more efficiently with difficult politicians than I do.
TODD: Then why isn't he the—
JEN: He shoots them.


"I'm disappointed, Jethro. The last time someone forgot me, I was a baby."
~Ducky~


"I am a scientist, McGee; I can compute anything accurately."
~Abby~


GIBBS: I can't believe I thought that was Galib
McGEE, ZIVA & TONY: *all make assurances*
TONY: I would have done the same thing, boss.
GIBBS: Well yeah, DiNozzo, I know; that's why I'm so pissed. *slaps him upside the head*


ZIVA, JEN & TONY: *listening to the report on the TV*
TONY: 'Federal authorities'. They mean us. Four stinkin' letters: N-C-I-S.
JEN: It's either that story, Tony, or the FBI charges you with adhering their investigation.
TONY: Ah. I can live with 'federal authorities'


*as retired Gibbs barges in* "Just as I was getting used to my door being treated as a door."
~Jen~


"Hey, we were just….uh….eavesdropping like little girls."
~Tony~


"A reminder that Shakespeare got it wrong: we are not food for worms, it's more the flies and beetles that feast upon us."
~Ducky~


TONY: McGee and I watched the sunrise together. *pauses* It was very Brokeback Mountain.
McGEE: *pats Tony's back* You had me at outting.


"I hug and kiss technology."
~Abby~


ZIVA: *going through victim's inventory* One black sock with a gold toe
TONY: Don't you hate it when you leave one black sock at one fiancee's house and and the other one at the other's house?


"Tony just put his hand in another man's pocket and it made him very happy."
~Ziva~


JEANNE: So much for being a film buff.
TONY: *laughs* Hey, listen. I could bore you to death with a lecture on German expressionism in film if you like.
JEANNE: You could never bore me.
TONY: Well, that is very sweet of you but you underestimate me. It is my contention, Ms. Benoit, that the abstract nature of expressionism in film— *mumbled talking as Jeanne puts her hand over his mouth*
JEANNE: What are we doing, Tony?
TONY: Well, I'm boring you with German expressionism in film.


"Sometimes, McGee, a little lie is good for the soul."
~Gibbs~


FORNELL: *repeating* 'Doo-dah'?
GIBBS: Yeah, it's a technical term, Tobias. You wouldn't understand.


FORNELL: I'm familiar with sick, charming bastards.
GIBBS: That's probably why we get along so well.


ZIVA: What would you do if you woke up one day and you discovered you were married to a monster?
TONY: Happened to my father all the time; we usually just moved.


ZIVA: *reads Tony's caller ID* 'UNI-hospital'? Test results came back already?
TONY: I'm pregnant. McGee's gonna be very proud.


COL. MANN: How much?
ZIVA: One hundred and eight thousand.
McGEE: That's a lot of singles.
ZIVA: About one hundred and eight thousand.


JEN: You were supposed to keep Mr. Harrow under survallence, not chase him into a coronary!
McGEE: Director, once he made us, we had to take him into custody, didn't we?
ZIVA: No, the director's right. We could've let Harrow escape. If he sold ARES, we could've caught Black Rose or La Grenouille selling it to Iran —
JEN: Don't be cute, Officer David. I'm saying there had to be a better way. Right, Tony?
TONY: Uh, that's right, director. They could've…
GIBBS: Shot him.
TONY: That's right, they could have shot him.
GIBBS: In certain high-octave situations, Ziva reverts back to her Massad training and probably would have put a round through his heart.
ZIVA: Three rounds.
GIBBS: And McGee, not to be out-done would've —
McGEE: Added three more rounds.
JEN: *losing patience* Gibbs…
GIBBS: See? There you go. Six rounds, same result: one dead Mr. Harrow.


"Rigorous for most, rigor mortis for him."
~Ducky~


TONY: Pirated copy.
ZIVA: That's what I said.
TONY: No, you said pirate's copy. A pirate is a person, like Captain Jack Sparrow.


ZIVA: This is going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack.
TONY: "Needle in a hay stack"
ZIVA: I like my description better.


"A terrabyte of storage… that's a thousand gigabytes of fun."
~Abby~


ABBY: I hearby accept your challenge. We will meet on the field at dawn. Weapons: caffiene-fueled intellect vs. cold sillocate-based intelligence. Until then, I bid you a good day, sir. *turns around to see McGee and Ziva standing there, smiling* Hi.
ZIVA: Hi. You talk to your mass spectrometer?
ABBY: Yeah. Sometimes. Why?
McGEE: You challenged it to a duel.


McGEE: Well, I gotta tell [Gibbs] something.
ABBY: Tell him you love him, McGee. It works for me.


TONY: If clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?
ZIVA: Male nurse?
TONY: No. Aqua smurf.


"McGee, you look like you've seen a goat."
~Ziva~


"With the amount of bad guys after me, I feel like I'm dating Spider-man."
~Abby~

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