Baby Wipes

Roommates can't clean up
Their mess is always moving
we want them to leave

Chapter 1. Wouldbe malfunction

(by Jen)

Jen marched through the heaping piles of garbage; food at different levels of decay, recyclables mixed and strewed in with old newspapers, milk jugs and candy wrappers.

She crossed her arms and glared. Somewhere, in this horrendous pile of neglected filth, was the kitchen. More specifically was the frying pan, and Jen was hungry. However, braving the kitchen disaster just for breakfast may be a task too demanding for pre-coffee-Jen.

"Coffee." Jen mused, and turned her glaring attention to where the counter was half buried. She could see the top of the coffee pot, and waded carefully through piles of garbage to reach her caffeinated prize.

While Jen grumbled to herself and tediously prepared the coffee machine, Annie stood at the entrance to the kitchen in horror.


Jen stopped preparing coffee to look at Annie in confusion. "Huh?"

Annie gestured madly with her arms, referring to the giant mess that was once a perfectly functional kitchen.

Jen looked slowly around the room, and as gears began turning in her early-morning-pre-coffee-mind, a light slowly, painfully, began to turn on. "The….kitchen…….looks..different…" Jen frowned.

"Different??? It's like a garbage truck took a dump in here!" Annie yelled, flailing her arms around in a rage.

Jen stared about the room again, only to be distracted by the coffee machine. "It's ready!" Jen grinned, and took a tentative sip. While Annie stormed about in agitation, Jen sipped her coffee, shook her head, and climbed a small mountain of dirty laundry to get to the fridge. There, she pored some creamer in her coffee. Another sip. Another frown. Suddenly Jen dropped her coffee and screamed.


"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" Annie yelled, annoyed.

Amidst all their screaming, Nichole walked silently into the room and surveyed the kitchen. She turned, silently, and glared at the door to Koala and Monkey's room. "This means war." She declared.

Jen and Annie stopped their screaming to exchange looks. She was right, John and Lara had been in Wouldbe one day, and overnight the house was destroyed.

Later that morning, Ian came to Wouldbe for a visit and was surprised to see a tank in the driveway.

"Uhm….." Ian murmured awkwardly at the door, and Jen Annie and Nichole greeted him in full combat armor.

"Hey Ian! What's up?" Annie greeted merrily, while behind her Nichole loaded a gun and Jen waved an axe around.

"Well, I was just coming over for a visit, and I know you had new roommates move in, and ~ blah blah blah Ian ramble Ian ramble Ian ramble~ why is there a tank in your driveway?"

Annie simply stood back and gestured to the horror that was the kitchen. Ian stared.

"They haven't left their room yet, so we're waiting them out." Jen shrugged.

"You're going to blow up Wouldbe?"

"Psh, please. I can aim with this thing just fine. " Nichole scoffed, climbing up into the tank. Annie bounced after her, and Jen hurriedly shuffled Ian away from the line of fire.

From the top of the tank, Annie raised a megaphone to her lips and announced "This is your final warning Koala and Monkey. Clean up your mess in the kitchen or we'll blowup all of your stuff!"

Her demands were met with silence.

"Ok, do it." Annie nodded, and with a deafening "BOOM" Nichole blasted a hole through the dining room, and into Monkey and Koala's room.

A cloud of dust danced from the hole in Wouldbe, and all four spectators leaned forward, straining to see if the blast had met its mark, when they saw….1

(by Nichole)

….Nothing. The door was still in one piece and not a single black mark on the off color white wood. No sound came from inside either. The Wouldbe house remained in surprised silence, which was very quickly short lived.

"What the hell?!" Nichole growled as she popped up from within the belly of the tank.

"It didn't work," Jen started then glanced down at the axe in her hands. "This will do!" Jen ran at the door, swinging the axe and just as she was about to make contact with the door, it swung open. "Its haunted!!" Jen yelled as she dropped her axe and ran back towards the tank.

"Nope," Annie said as she rested her megaphone on her shoulder. "Its just them."

"Oh, well that was disappointing," Jen muttered, angry now that her ghost and spookiness was gone. She crossed her arms over her chest and glanced up at Nichole. "Fire again," she calmly ordered.

Nichole giggled as she slipped back into the depth of the tank. Clicking could be heard then, "FIRE IN THE HOLE!!", followed by the tank coughing a live round at the two unwanted animals.

"What are you doing?" Ian gasped.

"Oh, you're still here?" Jen asked, surprised.

"Why did you have Nichole fire again! You're going to kill the Koala and Monkey!" Ian said.

Jen shrugged one shoulder. "They have my axe."

"Ian, we brought in the tank," Annie said as she moved the megaphone to her mouth. "WE'RE TRYING TO GET RID OF THEM!!"

"Well said," Nichole said as she leaned over the rim on the tank, her legs still inside. "But we still have a problem."

"We do?" Jen asked.

Nichole jerked her thumb towards the open doorway where everyone had last seen the Koala and Monkey. They still stood in said doorway, blinking at them.

"Uh, derp?" Koala asked, looking down at the Monkey.

"Derp derp deeeeeeeeeeeeeerp!" Monkey replied. Both turned back into their room and closed them door.

"What the hell?"

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