Sexuality A Memoir

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I want to make the point that everything written here is rough and uncut. It needs a lot of editing and tweaking, but for now, we're going through what is called the "free expressing of ideas"

created by A. Chaya


Introduction: (Homo)Sexuality in Glee

This started out of inspiration from the episode 2.15 entitled "Sexy". In the episode, Santana realizes she has strong feelings for Brittany and doesn't know how to deal with them. But it's more than just that. I've noticed that the show likes to deal with complex emotions that teenagers have to deal with. This was an amazing episode because obviously sexuality is a huge issue for everyone. It defines who each individual person is.

But I also have a minor problem with how homosexuality is explored in the show. I mean, so far there have been five characters who have had to deal with homosexual urges and emotions: Kurt, Blaine, Santana, Brittany and Dave. But as of yet, none of those people have really had a chance to explore their own homosexual relationship. Dave is so in the closet and terrified that he started harassing Kurt to the point where Kurt couldn't attend WMHS anymore. Kurt had feelings for Finn for a while before the whole situation with Dave before he left. Now he's interested in Blaine, who doesn't seem to return his feelings. And Blaine confessed his feelings for an older guy who worked at the Gap before getting him fired. Santana and Brittany are the only two who have hooked up in the past but they still aren't in a relationship because it started when Puck was in jail and then continued even when Brittany started dating Arty.

It's just a little annoying. The gay characters who are represented in the show never seem to be able to have a relationship with anyone, but meanwhile the straight students hook up with everyone. Take Quinn for example: she was with Finn, Puck and Sam. And Puck was with Santana, Quinn, Lauren, Rachael and even probably Brittany (although we haven't seen that storyline unfold. It's more-or-less assumed, though, because Brittany's been with everyone). But the gay kids can't find a relationship? Are you kidding me?

Granted, I love how the Santana and Brittany relationship unfolded in "Sexy". I think Brittany made the right decision based on her current relationship status.

But I digress. This wasn't supposed to completely result in a "nerd rant" about the show. Nerd Rants has its own page. This is supposed to be a tribute to not only the show in my own way of saying 'bravo' to how they demonstrate sexuality, but it's also about sexuality in general.


Science and Sexuality

Writers are always told to write what they know. This is a key tool not only because it makes writing easier for the writer, but also because the writing drawn from something you know makes what you say that much more passionate. And, bragging aside, I do know a thing or two about sexuality. Even more specifically, I know a lot about homosexuality. In my college career, I believe I wrote three papers on the subject as well as numerous poems, stories, and speeches. And what's not to love about sexuality? It's something that drives us. It's instinctual and biological.

I find homosexuality intriguing for a number of reasons. One being that I am, myself, a bit homosexual. I suppose the technical term is "bisexual" but I have also heard "omnisexual" (which makes me a tad nervous because then I think of farm animals1). But homosexuality is also fascinating to me on more than just a personal level. It's interesting in its social aspects as well as its evolutionary aspects. What drives homosexuality?

We got in a little debate about that point in Dr. Kornfield's Evolution class at the University of Maine - Orono last spring. I brought up the question that maybe, biologically speaking, there was something that was "wrong" with the eggs or sperm of the individual that would create a way to keep that genetic material from being passed on to the next generation. Kornfield said that it was an interesting point, but there was no way to test such a theory. So it was a good one, but not all that scientific (at least not yet).

Another theory about homosexuality is to hinder growth of the population. This seems logical in its motives but, again, can't really be tested scientifically. But think about this: a generation is bound to grow. If it doesn't grow, it dies. So the more growth a population has, the more chance it will have that the offspring will carry on a subsequent generation and so on and so forth.

But a population can not grow infinitely. Eventually its resources will run out and then the population will hit what is known as its Carrying Capacity. A species that has reached its carrying capacity will be thrown out of equilibrium and may become extinct2. So, in some ways, it makes perfect sense that homosexuality would be considered a viable way of population control. You can't have offspring with the same sex.

Scientists believe they have figured out the cause of homosexuality: the gay gene. I confess that I really don't know much about the research behind this theory. I have firm belief, however, that homosexuality is driven by genetics (if I didn't make that point strongly enough when I wrote the previous paragraph). I don't believe that people chose who they are attracted to. It just happens. Think about it: if you knew all the harassment you would face, the difficulties, the accusing stares, the prejudices….why would you EVER chose to face that just because you want to be gay? Who would want that? I'm sure you could find .0000000002% of the population that might seek out that kind of lifestyle because they're facing severe self destructive tendencies, but 1/3 of the population? How can you account for 1/3 of the population wanting to face that kind of horror?

But I should digress. That argument goes into the social aspects of homosexuality that I will talk more about later.


I, Homosexual

I had a girlfriend once. Actually I've had two girlfriends. Almost a third but I didn't act on it quickly enough (she was cuuuute, too).

Anyway, yes. I am a girl. And I had a girlfriend.

Let me paint you a picture.

It was 2005: my senior year in high school. Things were rough. One of my best friends had to move to Boston to finish up her high school career. My chorus teacher from the past three years had recently passed away. I had a crush on one of my friends (also a girl) who didn't return my feelings. I had just finished juggling a conflict of facing my own sexuality for the last three years and I figured out who I really was.

I was also in love.

Her name was Heather. She lived in southern California. We met online and I know that sounds a little sketchy but it was far from it. We didn't meet on a dating site; rather she discovered my writing on Fanfiction. We started emailing each other and almost immediately grew to be close friends. There was a problem, though: she was straight. She was in a relationship with her high school sweetheart. But I didn't care. Even after I confessed my feelings for her and she told me how she wished she could feel the same way, I didn't let it bother me. I loved her even if she was in a different relationship.

Shortly after confessing my feelings for Heather, I met another girl. Her name was Katie. We soon started dating but I never really paid attention to her. I was focused on Heather. I remember going through Wal-Mart one day with my younger sister and it was around Valentine's Day. I should have been looking for something special for Katie, but instead I kept finding things that Heather would love.

Fast-forward a bit and Heather and I eventually started dating. We dated for nearly two years. And even though we eventually broke up because of complications, distance and, well, me cheating on her, things had been good for a while.

Skimming over the years past Heather and I, I have had a small number of relationships. The boy I cheated on Heather with was one although we never officially dated. I was involved in a physical relationships (of sorts) with another friend shortly after the previous one ended. I had crushes on and off, was in love once (although that didn't work out either) and eventually found myself a boyfriend.

His name was James. Looking back on it, he really wasn't right for me. There were a lot of things wrong with our relationship and even though we did "officially date", my emotional involvement with him was about the same as my pure physical relationships. In fact, you might even say I felt less for him than my previous relations because, in the past, I fell really hard for the first boy and fell in love with the second. James, after finding out about my past and about Heather, felt that I was "not all there" with him because I was, in laments terms, "suffering from lesbianism".

In most ways he was highly mistaken but in some ways, he was right. I think women are hot. I really do. I wouldn't say no to getting involved with a woman again. What I had with Heather was amazing and, even though it ended in horrible disaster, I still think back on it fondly. It was something special. I know now that even if it hadn't ended when and how it did, eventually it would have ended. We were not a perfect fit for each other and she now has someone who's better for her and who can always look out for her — something I could never have done living 3000 miles away and being 18 and selfish.

My point is that homosexuality is a part of me. I know my older sister experienced what she refers now to as "a phase". My youngest sister also had a girlfriend for a short time. I'm not sure how that one ended or how she feels about her sexuality now. The only thing I know is that, no matter how I try to hide it or run from it, it always ends up catching up to me.

Let's put that into some context.

I never wanted to be gay. I don't recall ever having homophobic feelings about other people being gay, but I do know that at one point in my life, I knew I didn't want to be gay. I couldn't have been more than 13 or 14. I remember being in math class and one of the teachers (I don't remember her name anymore but I do remember she was Canadian) had a very fit build and, for whatever reason, I couldn't stop watching it. I paid more attention to her body than I did math that year (although that could be described as my whole attitude towards math from 5th to 12th grade). I remember I was really haunted by this. I didn't like that I liked seeing her body. I don't recall ever having fantasies about her at all but I did think about the fact that I noticed it a lot. And I was scared. I didn't know how to talk about it to anyone; not even my sister, who I told almost everything. I could never tell my mom. I just remember being in my room one night and near tears because I was so frustrated by how I felt thinking about breasts.

So I decided at that point that I definitely did not find myself attracted to women.

It wasn't until high school when I met some friends who had already come out of the closet and met their demons head on. I admired them for that feat and decided that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to be gay after all. I'm glad on many levels that I came to that conclusion because I wouldn't have met Heather otherwise, nor would I have been as comfortable with my life as I am now.

After I started dating Heather, I decided that I wanted to be a lesbian. I didn't want to be bisexual. I wanted it one way or the other, and I realized that being gay gave me a sense of pride that was unmatched. I didn't want to turn my back on it and become "a breeder" again.

However, as mentioned, that also didn't work out. I still felt attracted to men. If I didn't, the whole situation with the boy would have never happened and I would have never cheated on Heather.

It took a lot of trial and error but I really can't, personally, see myself as one way or the other on this issue.


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