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They Call Me Abby Normal
I have this disease.
It's called boredom.
I get tired of the mundane of life and start looking for some more excitement. I suppose one could also call it the "the grass is greener" syndrome but I like to think of it more like a disease.
I like to analyze things, to start with. I also pay attention to patterns. And this pattern in itself is a steady one.
Every year around winter/beginning of spring time, I start to get Spring Fever. I feel cooped up by the way my life is and I want to do something drastic to change it. That's why I've never lived in the same place for more than a year since I moved out from my family home. I have attended three different schools, have held four different jobs (with the exception of GMP have longingly thought of leaving every single one between February-April) and I've had countless changes in major desires. I know that I said before I had to leave school that I was settled on being a bio major, but let's be realistic: that might have changed as soon as I went looking for the next big thrill.
I also am very open to influence. When I get excited about something, I get really excited about it. Like wanting to move to California. Or try to look for an apartment down in Boston.
I am not a stable person.
I suppose these actions should worry me. My friends say this kind of thing might just be part of my personality and I might just have to deal with the fact that I am a flighty person.
But I have started to think about this recently. I am, very certainly, a flighty person. I would much rather run away from things than stand up to them (my friends vehemently deny that I am like that and than I start to question whether they really know me at all or they're just trying to make me feel better). I've accepted the fact that I run from things. It's who I am.
I have also accepted the fact that I cling onto this "spring fever" indulgence of mine. Although my choices last year highly suggest that I should be more rational instead of impulsive, but never the less.
I just get so BORED. I don't know what to do with myself when things become to…well…normal. I always wanna "lash out" and do something so crazy. The only problem with that is that I end up doing something so crazy that I end up spending the rest of the year trying to fix everything…until the next time it happens.
It's a vicious circle.
I started watching Psych again recently and remembered that the character of Shawn Spencer (played by James Roday) has that same kind of problem. His life is kind of a mess (society-speaking) because he's constantly getting and quitting jobs. The way he explains it is that he figures out how to do the job and moves on because the challenge is no longer there. I have a tendency to always search for more challenges. I like to push myself. I get nervous when I'm not sure what I'm doing but I love learning things and I always try and succeed at everything (also something that's a detriment because when I fail or struggle at something I tend to take it way personal and get frustrated a lot).
My most recent thought is that I want to move out to Colorado. I miss my family and it's not only that. There are many factors to it. And the more I think about this, the more I come to the conclusion that this fall is the best time to do it. I mean, a lot of my friends are graduating or will be graduating very shortly. They'll all be leaving and I don't want to be stuck in Maine forever. I have really grown out of this state and I really need to move on.
I also need to get my life situated.
Plus I need a new challenge. Colorado is a different community, a different area, a different way of life. In essence, it's a new challenge. I need that. I have been SO BORED the last year. The only excitement I end up finding lately is being stressed out and that's not fun at all.
I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. I am worried that my chasing after challenges is only going to get more erratic. That could end up in total disaster.
But it could also turn out to be beneficial, so who knows?
I just desperately need a change of pace; a change of scenery. I am not going to live forever and I hate that I waste most of my days doing nothing. I sink myself into nerdy experiences, hide behind meaningless chores and make no effort in bettering my life.
I have some plans. Some wild plans. For example, I used to have this idea of running a wedding planning business with Heidi. We were going to work in themed weddings. It was going to be awesome.
There are more. I should make a list:
- I want to open up a Monster Store with Jen and sell Halloween-type stuff. More werewolf and witch stuff, for example. We would specialize in monsters in books and media.
- I want to move to California and work for a television studio as a writer.
- I want to try out for Saturday Night Live (that's one of my old bucket list ideas).
- I want to be important. I want to influence people and change their lives.
But I always end up being monotonous.
I guess that's why I end up doing so many crazy things that tend to kick me in the ass. I just let the boredom build up and build up and build up until I can't stand it any more and I just have to escape.
I need to think about this more. :/
Days Go By
I have been in Colorado four days.
And I need to get out.
I hate starting things like that because it makes me sound like I'm in a horrible situation, or that I'm suffocating. I'm not doing either (aside from my apprehensions about my family's response to science, evolution, skepticism and all that).
But I need to get out.
I keep imagining myself somewhere down the line. And it's always the same mental image: I'm sitting on a veranda, looking out onto palm trees and ocean.
I figure it's either southern Cali or Hawaii. I will gladly take either.
I keep looking up apartments; just so I have an idea of what to kind of budget for. California would be super nice (aside from the expenses and the smog) and Hawaii would be awesome so I can finally learn how to surf. Plus, I could be Lilo and it would be awesome.
(what? You thought a rant from me would go without a nerd reference? pfft)
I know there are a bunch of my friends who want me to move back to Maine. And I'm not completely against the idea….but I want somewhere busy. Somewhere with history. And, dammit, somewhere with palm trees! And no snow. Ah, the glory of no snow.
It would be nice.
