The Society Of Evil

The Society of Evil

If our lives could be those of evil masterminds, how would we spend our time?1


When all else fails…

(by IMSans)

"CURSES!" the sound of electric equipment shooting sparks accompanied by falling chunks of metal and glass rang out in defiance. Ian sat behind a fizzled computer screen, locked in an epic battle of staring with the machine, hoping looking at it long enough would intimidate it to coming back on. For added frustration he kept jamming the keyboard spacebar key.

No avail and several swears later, the infuriated villain laid back in his chair and let out a sigh. It had been his fourth day on the job, and was well underway when his sentient computer couldn't stand living with him anymore, deleting his operating software off his PC.

"Well, great. Now I can look forward to being weeks behind the others," Ian grunted irritably. The worst thing he felt could happen now was if someone were to call to discuss his 'overwhelming success', obviously spoken in a mocking tone. It's not like he was Dr. Horrible of his field, either… but being someone's apprentice was far too degrading. For him, anyway.

Ian looked to the counter and sighed desperately, admiring his only creation. Being known simply as "The Popper", he had created a device that would suppress air pressure for a faction of a second and condense it for a moment, giving a visible spherical wave of air. It sounded cool, but wasn't really intended for evil… it could cause headaches and pop a child's balloon at whim, that was about it. And with his custom-ordered sentient computer gone, he'd have to order a new one, sinking his budget even further down the drain… If only he hadn't spent half of his life writing! College was so expensive…

Having less to do, he decided he would play with the Popper for a moment while he could get in touch with the AI Company. He hadn't heard the latest from the owner of that organization, John, but he was obviously far too busy to deal with menial tasks and superfluous things such as talking with Ian on the phone. He had corporations to run and projects to finish. (Ian constantly reminded himself that whoever made the Senior Project list was to blame, as that was how he built his empire.2)

The phone rang just as Ian hit the trigger to his Popper Gun, causing a science beaker to crack and nearly shatter, the outgoing wave strong enough to push the phone down onto the floor. Scrambling, he reached for the receiver in hopes to answer in time, only to pick up and hear his mother over the other end of the phone. His dreadful day had exponentially worsened and his entire body slumped.

"Hello Ian~!" His mother called out in a sing-song voice.

"Hello mother…" The vocal opposite of his mother.3

"How was your classes the other day? You never responded to my text."

"Jer," Ian replied restraining his irritation to sound competent over the phone, "I'm dealing with multi-million dollar projects of diabolical nature, and you still think I'm in school?! Just what is your issue?" His response was a chuckling laughter mimicing that of a parental 'isn't that sweet,' tone of voice. In the depths of Ian's mind, he died a little inside…

"Just wanting to let you know that your mother loves you… you never call!"

"because every time we speak, we speak about World of Warcraft, and every time I come home, I'm stuck doing your entire list of house chores."

"Well it certainly made you a better man," his mom argued back, Ian completely confused as to her point and reason to her argument. If anything it made him despise her all the more…

Ten minutes later, Ian managed to avoid the WoW discussion for the most part and secretly disconnect the phone, proceeding to terminate any communication line for a period of fifteen minutes: the amount of time required for her to give up hope of calling for the moment and bug him with text messages (which flooded his E-Mail as well). Leaning against the nearest wall, he slid down it, sighing as his sinking portrayed his exhausting feelings.

"I'm gunna get that new AI and then I'll finish on my second project…" He stared at his Popper Gun pathetically, "I only have so many beakers to test this on.


Another Kind of Evil

(by Jen)

Meanwhile, two shady figures dragged a large black suspiciously body shaped bag down the streets in the London fog. "What shall we do with it?" One asked the other.

"I don't know, throw her in the ocean?" The other shook its head.

"Nah, but that would have been fun. Let's fill this bag with lima beans so she will tell me how to get my device back from the Royal Navy."

"Those bastards, stealing other people's contraptions…"

"It's not just a contraption! Don't you understand what that Soulilator means to me???!" One of the figures fell to the ground, howling her lament. The other awkwardly patted her on the back and continued dragging the body toward an empty warehouse.

"I love empty warehouses, they're always there for you when you need to torture information out of people."

Once the lamenting figure realized her cohort was gone, she decided to follow suit.

Inside the warehouse, the two figures dragged the body to a chair and tied it there securely. A light was turned on, and the figures poked the body with a stick, demanding that it awake.

"What's going on? Who are you?" The body asked.

"There's a light on! Can't you see?!"
"….no…"
"Oh, maybe we should take the body bag off.."

There was an unzipping sound, and out of the bag a very confused looking Alex.
Alex looked around in surprise, then glared death at her two assailants. "WHAT THE FUCK!" Alex yelled at Katie and Jen.

"WHERE IS THE SOULILATOR!?!" Katie demanded.
"I HAVE IT RIGHT HERE! YOU TWO IDIOTS WOULD HAVE IT ALREADY IF JEN HADN'T CLONKED ME ON THE HEAD AND TAKEN ME HOSTAGE!"
Jen twiddled her thumbs in an attempt to remain innocent looking. "Well, you DID look like a pirate.." Jen mumbled.
"That was the plan! I get into the Royal British Navy, gain their trust, get a high rank and then steal the device. I then get myself kicked out of the navy by acting insane and dressing up like a pirate. BUT THEN YOU HAD TO ATTACK ME!!"

Katie and Jen shared a look. "Right then, off you go."

Katie took out some scissors and freed Alex from the body bag, and Alex grugingly gave her the "soulilator".


…Use a Bigger Gun.

(by IMSans)

An irritated sigh echoed over the speakers of Ian's computer while he typed away furiously, taking him suddenly by surprise. The New AI was going to be custom delivered via direct downloaded from his manufacturer's mainframe, but he didn't expect it to go so soon.

"…Wireless Interface LLI-model Auto-Messenger and your new assistant has finished downloading," The AI spoke, "But you may call me WILLIAM for short. Please don't call me anything right now, I can't believe of all the AI's to get sent here, it was me."

Ian looked at his screen and tilted his head, "Wait a sec… Will?!"

The voice sounded strained, but it did match Will's vocal pitch and tone perfectly… The AI grunted and his screen flashed a tinted deep blue glow, "Yeah…. It's me."

"They turned you into a computer? How the hell…?!"

With little effort at all, Will projected his AI Body onto the table behind him, to which Ian immediately followed glance. Will was wearing what looking to be carpenter jeans and a dress shirt over some T, as well as a baseball cap with some insignia on it, however due to the available light-scheme available, he could only project himself in a singular color with the standard being a green-gold body, brightening when the vision refreshed it's image. Will looked around as if examining the room itself, "I set you up with a thirty thousand dollar computer lab and this is what you come up with… *sigh* Anyway, with compliments from Murray Industries, they offered you a few files to choose from to springboard your next project."

Ian leaned back in his chair, "Murray's still trying to get me as a subordinate, eh?"

Will put a hand on his hip, "Hey, shut up a moment, so I can tell you what one of these is, alright? You might actually like this one…" Ian obeyed and Will continued, "It's a mechanical bo-staff that has volts of electricity at it's tips. Think an extending stick with two tazers strapped onto either end."

"I'm listening…" Ian put a hand to his beard and stroked it in contemplation.

"Well, you lack the materials, but I can have this up and running, fully installed with all the gadgets by mid-afternoon. That will give time to sort out your task at hand…"

Will waved his hand and brought a pop-up on Ian's computer screen. On it, was a video of Katie and Jen, torturing Ali for information and her new device. Ian watched as the Soulilator passed into Jen's possession and he slammed his fists onto his desk, causing The Popper next to him to malfunction and fire.

"I leave her alone for two hours… TWO hours… and she leaps ahead of me," Ian snarled his teeth, "Now that she's got the Soulilator, I'm going to need something incredibly awesome to surpass her now…" He looked to the malfunctioned Popper which like a child on coffee and sugar, popped a second time, this time shattering a beaker and sending debris through Will's projection rather harmlessly. Ian dropped his head and moaned something about hopelessness.

Will raised an eyebrow, "But what about that project you have going over here… you know…" Will opened the corresponding folder on Ian's desktop just by thinking, "This 'Project Stormseeker'?"

Ian put a hand to his head, "It's a failed project, some weather control device that was suppose to power up my facility as well as utterly destroy the world in the meantime. I consider the former more important… you know…" Ian's hand slid up and ran through his hair, "…as much as I want to destroy the world, I still kinda live here. It's kind of symbiotic, what we have here. I stay alive, I don't blow up the world."

Will blinked, "It'll take longer to make, but…"

"You CAN'T make it though, I've tried a thousand times! And the only thing I came close to was this…. thing…." queue the Popper, popping on reference in all its glory4.

"You just made a minor mistake in your calculations… here… and here." Will's figure lightened up to a bright flashing white to which Ian had to look away, "…Done. With those modifications, you could build it, and the Shockstick in roughly three days time."

Ian turned and raised an eyebrow, "You said you can make these?"

Will motioned to a machine gathering dust and tucked away in a corner. It suddenly whirred to life and began making an incredibly sick grinding noise, "You never even used it… This is a machine I custom built. It makes things for you out of the air. You're new at the whole evil genius thing, aren't you…?"

"I don't feel comfortable being told off by a computer…" Ian sneered.

Will grinned happily to himself, "Glad I could be of some assistance."


Soulilator time

(by Jen)
It was Katie's most favorite invention, and now that she had the Soulilator back, she couldn't wait to use it. Jen and Alex followed her around the England streets, both impatient to see her 'contraption in action'5. Alex wanted to know how it worked, and Jen wanted to see the flashy lights before she left to venture to Germany to meet up with Amy and Sally.

"Hurry up Katie, we've got a plane to catch!" Jen frowned impatiently. "DON'T RUSH ME!" Katie yelled and almost pointed the soulilator at Jen. Jen coward from the strange machine, stepping behind Alex with a now bruised pride. "ok, take your time" She mummbled sheepishly.

Katie wandered a few back ways and alleyways before she suddenly rounded on a rambeling hobo, who was preaching the end of the world. There was a bbbbzzzt! a flash of redish orange then blue-green light, and suddenly the hobo seemed empty and…..soulless……6

Katie rejoyced as she held up her prize…french fries.

Alex congradulated Katie, while Jen patted the hobo on the back with a stick. "poor, soulless fool…"

"This soul is deilicious." Katie grinned, and the trio set off to get on their flight to Germany. There they would find the arch enemy of Murray Industries; Crimson Corperation.

Crimson Corperation was founded by Jen, Alex, Sally, Amy and Katie as a retaliation for Murray industries being so successful. That and John had told them women belonged in the kitchen and couldn't be scientists. >< So they set up a laboritory in Germany and have been inventing all sorts of evil things since.

Now that they had recaptured the soulilator from the British military, it was time to work on other and more evil conspiricies…


On Top of the Mountain…

John coughed as a prospective subordinate demonstrated his creation with unfavorable results. The industrialist entrepreneur quickly waved the air in front of him to catch a glimpse of the subject amidst all the smoke and charred carpet. The scientist was on his knees, grovelling, his face as dark as soot. "Mr. Murray, please! I swear it worked before I got here… there must've been an issue with its transportation here or some other variable I can't fathom right now…! Please allow me a second chance!"

The carpet the scientist has ruined had just been freshly laid, made from the finest synthesized fabrics across the four remaining continents or Earth, and even though he owned two of them, it made it none the easier obtaining and purchasing it. A pity, John thought, as it matched the color of his desk so well, it made him feel less isolated in his throne of an office.7

"The cost," John coughed, before raising his chin at the scientist, "of that fabric is well worth ten-thousand times what I was hoping to consider your yearly salary." He paused as he exhaled, indicating an essence of annoyance in his authoritative voice, "If it blew just you up, then I would have considered giving you at least medical…"

The scientist looked helplessly as John suddenly snapped his fingers twice8and pointed to the grovelling man. In a far section of the office, a floor tile slid out of view, and accessing as an elevator. Coming up from the floor below, an Andrew appeared and without hesitation, walked to the man and promptly threw him out John's 627th Story window. John quickly fed the Andrew a small biscuit, flavored of strong viking honey mead. Quickly sedated, the Andrew sulked over to his corner and vanished out of sight. Signing a few more papers on his desk, John finally stood up and tapped the side of his head, were a small earpiece functioned as his phone.9

"Yes, if I could get someone to fix that window again, I've seem to have another person trip and fall out… No, the carpeting didn't seem to help." A long pause, and John bowing his head in frustration, "I realize this is the tenth time this month. I'll send you a small care package for your efforts. Yes… Thank You."

John gave a reluctant sigh and stared out the window towards his glorious empire of industry and science. He had too many henchman to look after, but received daily reports on all of their comings and goings. His henchman had three names, but he mostly understood them as numbers. There would be villains and corrupt mobs working for him on a daily basis, but there was no Riddler or Lex Luthor or Joker. There was simply a list of numbers and marks. a green stamp meant the man was going about his business. A yellow stamp meant that the man was questionable in his/her intent. A red stamp meant the person had been fired or exiled from Murray Inc., whereas Blue was a new subject. Only two file types interested him though… Orange and Black. Black stamped files were men and women specifically removed from existence, or their wherabouts unknown for so long they were presumed dead. Anything Orange was a threat and/or under heavy watch.

His current files on his desk indicated a few new updates. On a folder marked Crimson Corp., with a large orange insignia embossed onto it were a few pictures and names of interest, as well as several black-inked papers of Subject #190027-Geoff, Subject #190028-Nate and Subject #190107-Matt, but a particular Orange folder reached his desk that reminded him he should pay a visit to his head-of-security.

He took a walk, passing by all things diabolical researched on the top floor. Most of which are so top secret, that they could not be published in even a simple narration. But one thing that could, was right around the corner, and down a flight of stairs.

"How's everything this evening, Andrew?" He waved, holding up an orange file with the words "Subject #101998-Andrew" on it.

Andrew hung on a wooden cross, propped up nice. Though his hands were not nailed, his limbs were tied in a particular religious fashion, seeing fitting to the mans' true identity. The viking battle jesus Andrew mustered enough loathing to stir awake a brief moment, "I'll…. get… you for… this…"

"But Andrew, I've made you absolutely comfortable with all your earthly desires, up to the point you battled with the wrong man." John's voice became very stern. "But it is you I truly owe my thanks the most. Without you, I couldn't have an unstoppable ARMY of Andrews at my command! But I can't have you walking about freely…. I can't have you dying on me either, though I doubt it possible."

"You're evil…" Andrew snarled, "…one day, I'm going to get out of this. And I'm gunna help whoever it is comes to throw you out your 627th story window."

John leaned close to Andrew, coming within inches of his face, "You haven't seen evil yet, my good friend. You should have joined me when you had the chance, but noooo~ 'I'm a good little boy who keeps the peace'… You're born to battle, Andrew. I'm just putting you to use."

"What are you going to do?" Andrew glared back, a hint of worry in his voice as for what's to come. John was turning away for the door when he stopped and laughed maniacally and replied back in a sing-song voice, "I'm going to rule the world, and for that, I need Crimson Corp. gone. And for the countries to surrender, simple attrition would suffice…. with Ian's Stormseeker in my hands, I'll bend the weather to my whim. If only Will would hurry up with nabbing those plans…"

"They'll never surrender to you, John! You're rotten to the core!"

"Indeed I am," John remarked, before snapping his fingers twice10and pointing at the cross with Andrew on it. He left for his office and sighed to himself. If only his friends had joined him instead of splitting up into a group.

John thought about the irony and laughed, "So predictable…" as he sat down at his desk and opened a 1st Edition Cthulhu comic book, volume one.11


Scull Crusher Mountain

(by Jen and Alex)

"You're finally here." Stated Amy, as Alex, Katie and Jen departed the plane.

"Guten Tag Amy!" Jen cried, and they ran up to see their evil cohort. Amy nodded greeting impatiently, and turned to walk back to the black mini cooper with blue and white racing stripes that was awaiting them. Sally was behind the wheel, and once they all got in she sped off toward the legendary Autobahn.

In the car, Amy took out a small computer and handed it to Katie, Jen and Alex. "This is the current update of our situation. Although it is indeed a great success to have the Soulilator back, we have other projects at hand that need attending to."
She took a deep breath and continued. "The genetically mutated crocodiles you've been working on Jen have been…upsetting the moat."

Jen frowned at Amy. "What do you mean? Are they not burping cannon balls like they're supposed to?"

"Oh no, they are doing that just fine. The problem is that they're shitting bricks."

"……what?"

"Aperently, the materials that they have been mutated with cause the crocodiles to shit bricks12. Normally, this is not a problem, but there being a large amount of crocodiles, the weight of the bricks has been dispersing our moat all over the god damn place. I suggest you mutate them again so that their waste is lighter or something."

Jen frowned deep in thought, contimplating how to fix this delema. On the computer screen, she could see her 99 crocodiles practicing burping cannon balls at birds that were flying by while the water in the moat got higher and higher…

They arrived at the base of the mountain (Scull Crusher Mountain of course)13 A secret base located deep in a wolf infested forest (Amy had reintroduced several types of wolves back into Germany at their arrival there some years before, and to make sure they survived and were not hunted she made a gigantic robot wolf that would maul anyone who dared to hunt the wolves in Germany.) Their base is located on top of a mountain which was surrounded with a large moat and plenty of other traps and tricks (and maybe even a spell or two) before you actually got to the base of the mountain.

They hurried to the base where Amy could show them the most pressing news. With a click and a buzz, Amy turned on the giant ultra mega computer (just an extra one they had kicking around) and on it they could see Ian watching a smaller screen watching the screen they were watching, which was watching Jen, Alex, and Katie stealing the Soulilator from the British Navy.

Jen, Katie and Alex shared a look of horror and then looked back at a camera that was facing the ultra mega computer that they were looking at. Then they looked back. Then looked at the camera again. "WHAT??!!"

"They've been watching us." Sally said solemnly.

"Ian though?? Who is he working for? Why is he watching us? AND WHY IS THAT CAMERA THERE?!" Katie waved her arms in horror, and Sally, realizing their mistake of leaving the camera there karate kicked it dead.

"Not to worry." Amy smiled evilly. "It doesn't matter if he works for Murray Industries or not, for the time I don't consider him a threat." She pointed at the malfuntioning invention14 sitting next to Ian on the screen and shook her head grinning.

"So what's the plan then mein Capiten?" Jen asked.

"I'm going to infiltrate Murray Industries and cause a little havok…you know, for the lawlz."

"Excellent ^^" Jen grinned, and ran off to work on her Crocodiles. She already had a plan on how to fix them. There being 99 crocodiles, and being in Germany, it was only fitting that Jen mutate the waste to instead be red balloons…


…Sits the Corrupt King

Ian sighed irritably and leaned back in his chair, "How's things coming with 'Stormseeker'?"

The writer-creator was tired of deleting several invoices of Murray Industries and figured to let his spam folder overflow than to deal with all the messages. For every one he deleted, four more would pop in its place. Will looked to Ian with a show of concern on his holographic face. Ian straightened up in his chair and spun to view the vision of his best friend. Will never liked to show emotions except for frustration and laughter, and this was neither. Will was legitimately worried, which was enough cause for concern by itself.

"Check your folder one more time, Ian," Will interrupted, the large machine constructing 'Stormseeker' grinding to a halt, "I'm detecting several queries on the server…. administrative access level…" Will's body flashed red and he looked up, "Someone's hacking your computer data banks…!"

Ian spun around and instantly started issuing kill-commands on his computer desktop, hoping he was cutting the connection to the intruder. Ian began barking orders in panic, "Hit them with a trace-file, find out who they are and where they're coming from! Keep me up to date on any files in the database; deletions, transfers, copies, anything!"

The keyboard in front of Ian was banging furiously, Ian thought he would break it if he typed any faster. Will's voice cautioned him from behind, "Folder:Project 'Stormseeker', Query on access, preparing to transfer files."

"Deny access! Shut down every computer! Every terminal working on 'Stormseeker'!"

"But, Ian! That will destroy the work in progress to your current model, possibly even destroy the machine making it!" Will warned him, stressing his warning on the machine's destruction. Precious seconds passed when Ian altered his command, "Isolate that machine, cut off all access to it, even from my terminal! Destroy all other data that can be used to trace back to that machine, this safe-house! Everything!"

Ian's computer went blank, and he quickly pulled out a thumb-drive and plugged it into the small terminal Will was inhabiting, "Once you've cleared everything, find space in this drive to move yourself into! Don't go and delete yourself, now…!"

"I'm not an idiot, Ian… but thanks." Will replied with a smirk, breaking the tension somewhat.

Suddenly, the lights to the room cut out, leaving Will's holographic image to illuminate the computer room. Will sounded off like a countdown alarm, "Warning! Power grid is offline. Power generators are running all essential systems and basic W.I.LLI.A.M. Commands. Security Defense Grid identifies three incoming hostile intruders in the first floor of the safe house."

Ian swore so loudly, he knew the intruders would have heard. So sure in fact, he dived after saying it, several bullets peppering the computers behind him.

"WILL!" Ian yelled, reaching for his thumb-drive.

"Isolation complete. Transfer to portable device completed."

No sooner did Will speak those words, did Ian pull out the thumb-drive and the room went pitch black. Moments of silence passed, when one of the intruders caught a nasty surprise…

Bumping into the main island where Ian and Will had been conversing, it had been enough to agitate of all things, The Popper. One blast later, and the room lit up momentarily, showing the man, a soldier, getting his Plexiglas visor shattered, and his head tossed back like he had been delivered a swift punch to the head. Ian reached a second time and pulled the faulty weapon to him, just before the spot the gun rested was blown away. By the sound of fire, Ian guessed the remaining two men had a pistol, and a shotgun.

Taking little time, Ian quickly listened, having to rely on senses other than his sight. Within seconds, he knew exactly where to fire his second shot, but it wound be complete luck if he hit the one with the shotgun or not.

Rolling Luck… he thought to himself, as he turned the corner and fired the popper at the estimated location of the soldier. The man never stood a chance afterwards, as Ian's guess was dead-on, but his aim was just a little low. The air displaced around the man's groin, and the unbearable pain knocked the man unconscious.

Ian quickly turned for a second shot when the Popper failed to respond. Ian blankly stared at it as he took a pistol-shot to the left shoulder. Still standing, he through the machine-of-fits at the man's head, and being caught completely unaware, Ian was left as the last man standing, albeit not a very graceful win.

Ian spent the remainder of his time dragging the unconscious bodies to assorted lockers in his safe-house, and locking them up for storage. By the time he was finished, the power kicked back on, and he felt it safe to plug Will back into his terminal.

"What the HECK was that about?" Will demanded upon appearing, his emotions-chip working obviously very well.

Ian sat in a slump and held is left shoulder, which was stinging painfully and bleeding consistently, "Those guys have been following me for some time… Murray Industries aren't my only enemy. John only owns two quarters of the world. Crimson Corp owns one quarter, but in the free-district where we are, there are many smaller groups that are trying to rise to power.

"With Murray contacting me, it is common belief that he now has a foothold in the Freelance, the free district of Earth. In truth, no one knows who's side whoever is on, but they don't like Murray, and they don't like Crimson. I'm fully neutral, I'd just assume live and let live, but with these to clashing, we get caught in the middle, demanded to pick a side…" Ian groaned through clenched teeth as he started applying first aid (a bit pathetically, having to read an included manual in his kit on how to apply an ace-bandage.

"Their armor suggests, though, that they belonged to Murray Industries…" Will noted with interest while looking to the lockers, "Apparently, John's not taking 'No' anymore for an answer."

"I guess that means I'll have to do something about it, then…" Ian sighed, whimpering in the back of his mind. "I'm no hero, dammit, I'm supposed to be a villain! Since when to Villains fight villains… doesn't that make them good guys?!"

Will folded his arms and smirked, "You need to read more books."

"Shut up," Ian spat, knowing full well he was referring to his past writing career, "Listen, Will. I'm going to Murray Industries and setting things straight. I want you watching my back… You think anything I have left you can use for a two-way connection?"

"Sure. I'll start rebuilding your computer… but what about the soldiers?"

Ian checked the Popper and smiled, "They'll be fine. They'll also have no clue what they were doing here. Those lockers erase short-term memories."

Outfitted with a com-link with Will, Ian set of with the almighty Popper to Murray Industries, the largest industrial building in New Murray City15. It was at the building doors, just out of sight of the security personnel, that he saw something completely unexpected… or rather, someone.


The Palm of your hand

By Jen

The clock ticked lazily on the wall and outside the world stood still. Papers were piled up left and right apon the desk, catching the sun through the window and casting wicked shadows across the room. Things to do, problems to solve, paper work to file…

A face sat rather mournfully between the piles of papers with the rest of the figure lost in the shadows of the room. There wasn't enough time…just not enough time….

Shaking his head, the figure arose and ran his hand through his fluffy brown hair. He was a detective, damnit. He didn't have time for this shit!

With this thought, Nate Hillman stood up and reached for the door handle, planning to investigate the case of the missing black cat, but he was stopped by the toppling of yet another forgotten stake of papers that was so monsterously large, it took him ten minutes of thrashing and cursing to get out of it.

Felling thwarted, he sat back at his desk and went back to staring out the window and daydreaming while the pile of papers in his office slowly grew from some unknown source…..


Meanwhile, Back in Germany Amy was preparing to set off to Murray industries whist Jen worked on repairing her crocodiles.

In the case of Jen, things were running well and yet not as planned. She wanted to turn their waste into red balloons, but this was a problem only because the balloons kept turning out pink or purple. Jen sighed, grabbed a hammer and a chainsaw, and marched back into the operating room to try and fix the problem.

In the case of Amy, she was hoping to get by John's "Bitch-ometer" something he had installed souly against Amy Lynch. (he never cared for her, you see, because she was mean to him in high school.) She had decided to do this by desguising herself as a witch, hoping the machine would get confused and let her pass by the one letter off technicality. Amy drilled Alex on witch practices and after several failed attempts at riding a broom, she decided to wing it.

"Alright Sally, let's go!!" Amy grinned, and above them Sally was flying a helocopter that dropped a ladder to pick Amy up with. They flew off to possible self destruction…..


Back at the base, Alex was inventing something of her own…but it wasn't working quite as well she she had hoped either. She had managed to make a robot who would file and take care of paperwork for her. It could fill out forms, file alphabetically, formulate complex equations, fly, take the dog for a walk, and a list of other random things.

The only problem was that all of the to do papers she gave the robot kept dissapearing, and the items that needed to get done were not being done. She was perplexed by this, but try as she may, could not follow the robot to see where it was putting the papers. "I'll have to hire a detective" Alex thought to herself as she poked and proded at her invention.


Meanwhile, back at Murray industries, John cackled evilly as he had just created a most terribly evil invention..now, he just needed someone to test it on…..


The Stormseeker

IMSans

Nothing to do except for waiting and nowhere to go, the holographic image of Will sat on the edge of the lab table, letting his feet hang in boredom. He spent several seconds just humming to himself various music themes: Star Wars, Pink Floyd and the Beatles to name a few, but after a brief intermission for reciting Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, a machine behind him suddenly went silent. It had been whirring like a washing machine for so long, the noise had become a constant.

The absence of noise meant to Will one thing, and he double checked his figures to be sure. A power source of some significance had kicked on… weirdly enough having been unaffected by the black out from the earlier invasion. Within seconds, the giant conveyor-belt machine labeled "Creation Output" began rolling. The power source had been such a substantial boost of energy, the machine had finished it's current project in seconds after spending hours to get to 41% completion.

The Stormseeker was ready, but having no clue of what it looked like due to absence of blueprints, there was a spark of anticipation in Will's memory that was coming to light. It came out slowly to reflect some sort of drama, when Will suddenly realized what it was shaped as.

"That dumb little… I can't believe I expected anything else out of a role-player like Ian," fumed the AI as a runed longsword finished appearing from the machine, "That kid would make a Final Fantasy a reality given the right tools. No wonder John wants him under control, he'd completely destroy science."

A heads-up display opened from a minimized window on Ian's computer, and the command caused Will to turn to view it. The file had been missing before, or rather encrypted to be invisible, but the blueprint he had wanted was now available for viewing. On the handle was a jewel-looking lever that when used, produced electricity much like a Tesla Coil, but at different voltages for different strengths. It showed theoretical diagrams on how to do a number of things: create lightning from the sky, redirect lightning, and use certain features to condense atmosphere, cause small to mid-scale windstorms, and at full power it could potentially use its full battery life to create a storm of 5th-Tier Hurricane Winds, Hail and Rain sizing in tennis balls, or a constant bolt of lightning for roughly fifteen seconds. Something that versatile and powerful must run on something other than D-Batteries….

Will sat and stared at the information for seconds (hours in an AI's life, it seemed) and read up on anything and everything Stormseeker. He had a hunch it was kept secret for so long for a reason. It didn't take long before he discovered why it was created in the first place.


"Hey Ian…"

Ian's face stared straight at the door s to Murray Industries as several dozen Andrews walked out in a fashion resembling the British red-coats.

"What…. what is it, Will?" Ian spoke over the COM-device realizing only a second later he was speaking into it like Solid Snake on his codec and grinned to himself.

"The Stormseeker's done."

Ian's face drooped, "It wasn't shut down? The machines? Why was that project finished? Everything's running again?!"

"Well, something stopped humming that I don't have access to, and copied a recent back-up to your current hard-drive. Then, it proceeded to finish your sword…" Will stressed how sour he was over this fact over the COM that made Ian's face balance out to a normal grin, "…and now your prototype is finished. The real thing'll be available once the testing is complete."

"You know," Ian smiled, thinking of the fortunate turn of events, "As that thing uses lightning…. I could short out a few machines with that if I use the settings right. Phase that thing over to me, will you?"

"What about the Popper?" Will sounded concerned.

"Worst case scenario. It's small enough to not be a burden."

"Sending the Stormseeker Proto I. Destined to receive in five seconds." Will sighed, as if he was losing a friend.

The sword materialized in a shimmering curtain of light, appearing over Ian's back and fitting into a hold perfectly in place behind his backpack. Ian quickly 'unsheathed' it and stood… now he could pass through Murray Industries with a bit more ease, even if Andrews were the bodyguards. The blade was sharp, and the shock-setting was set to zero, soon altered to be a three-hundred volts. The Persona-Guard was working at least: Ian was holting the shocking blade unharmed.

Pointing it at a nearby metal object, Ian leaped back in shock (no pun intended) as twin bolts of lightning slashed at the material. Blackened char gathered like a bad rust spot where the lightning had been, and was enough of a test to conclude that the Stormseeker Proto I had reach.

"What's that noise?!"


Pterodactyl Power Activate!

(By Jen)

Ian feigned to the left and rolled behind a bush just in time as the crunching noise he heard came closer. It then turned the corner, and to Ian's surprise a Pterodactyl came stomping into view, wings held high over its head. Little did he know, this was evil master mind Amy in disguise.

She stopped and glared around her in a menacing and stern Pterodactyl way, and then opened the door to Murray Industries with her large toothy beak.

Ian remained safely behind the bush until the giant dinosaur was out of sight. "What the heck was that?!" said he, not knowing a lot about dinosaur taxonomy, but he did know that he just saw a giant winged lizard stomp into a building.

Once in the building, Amy stomped (She had to stomp you see, being a dinosaur) down the halls of the industries looking for something to sabotage.

It wasn't long before she came across the kitchen, where John's old roommate Ron was making himself a vanilla chi latte. He looked up in mild surprise at the giant lizard looking at him from the doorway. The lizard, Amy, glared back, taking note of the fact that the apron he was wearing said "I'm Better Than Katie" in large smug letters.

The kitchen was decorated with fancy bottles that Ron had collected over the years, and the ceiling covered in bags from fancy shops that he had gone to. It was clear to anyone who knew Ron that this was his special place, and no one had better mess with it.

Amy decided this was not the room she wished to wreck havock on and instead turned and continued stomping down the hall towards something potentially more fun to destroy.

As the dinosaur Amy stomped off, Ron shook his head and went back to his latte and the fancy chicken he was making.


The Viking

(by IMSans)

Stormseeker in hand, Ian emerged from his cover, watching the winged creature enter the industries. Seconds later, intruder alarms rang out from the lower floors, Ian putting his hand to his face is despair. With a giant lizard on the first floor, there was no way he could enter the complex in secret. Or could he…? John would never suspect an obvious stealth approach: he'd be looking at every secret entrance. To be like a spy, he'd have to think like a spy… and the only one he knew of that he could pull off with ease, was…

Grabbing a large, conveniently placed cardboard box, Ian hid underneath and scooted along behind the dinosaur, keeping a very safe distance. He made his way past the ground floor, where he heard Ron yelling in surprise: not over a moving box on the floor, but his chicken a la king suddenly becoming chicken and noodles on an oven. The sizzling, seared noodles provided the perfect distraction to shift past the otherwise-observant ally of John… If anyone could have spotted Ian in a box, it would have been Ron. After all, years of shazzooping nearby him made Ron adept at picking up Ian's location. Just as Ian rounded the corner, the meal exploded, spraying noodles and sauce on Ron's apron, now reading "I'm Beer". The notion made Ian ponder for a brief moment, wondering if Ron had ever consumed alcohol before… quickly snapping out of his runaway train of thought, he managed to get to an elevator…

where a steward was waiting for passengers.

"Where to?" The steward asked, her tone dreary and tired.

""Send me to Mr. Murray's office," teh box replied, "I wish to speak with him."

"Currently Mr. Murray's away… he was in the experimental chambers last I saw him. That's Floor 626."

"That'll be fine."

Within moments, the elevator was careening to the 626th floor. When Ian finally got out and was on way, the steward wondered how a box was talking, and shrugged it off as a passing daydream.

"A moving box…?" A weary voice asked, "That can't be… Ian?!"

The box lifted up, and Ian tossed it off, eyes lit up, "ANDREW! You're alive!"

Andrew, still tied to his cross, gathered renewed energy from seeing his long lost friend. "Get me down from here!" Andrew pleaded, as he began struggling with his restraints.

Ian rushed forward and slashed the sword into the rope in the back of the cross, sending Andrew flying forward, a free man. "I take it your Mead-Baron plan failed?"

Andrew shook his head, "John bought my plan from me - he owns all my mead…" He began to tear as he stood, "Have you ever heard such a depressing story? What's a viking without any mead?!"

Ian smiled, "A viking that's willing to smash whoever took his mead from him, of course! But we'll need help if we need to overthrow Murray Industries. Any word on the others? Geoff? Matt? Nate? Heck, Crimson Corp. for that matter?"

Andrew shook his head, "All the guys are presumed to be dead because they've been gone for so long. As for Ali, Katie and Jen and their group… John left to take over Germany not long before you arrived…"

"WHAT??!" Ian panicked, "Hold on a second!"


"Can life get any more boring?" Will twiddled his thumbs, solving a holographic 10x10 Rubic's cube with his processor. Ian suddenly burst through the 2-Way radio in a panicked voice, causing Will to skip a few cycles.

"Will! Send a distress signal to Crimson Corp.! John's coming their way!" there was some static and suddenly Andrew and Ian both on the mic could be heard, "Andy says that an army of three-hundred Andrew-Clones, a small part of his army- are with him! He may not even be on the front lines… Blimps, they're heading there by blimps!"

Will shut down the com device, annoyed he couldn't finish his cubing, and sent a recording of the call to the folks at Skull Crusher Mountain. He then absent-mindedly went back to his 10x10.

"I take it they took the misinformation on John's wherabouts?"

Will responded in a sigh, "Yeah, but the army's true, right?"

"Oh most definitely. They'll have no idea where he is."


Unwanted visitors

(by Jen)

The serene blue sky above the dark evergreen trees of Germany was for a moment lost as a sudden jolt of wind shook the forest and cascades of leaves and pines covered the blue from view for a breathes time.

Sally frowned up at this happenstance, but continued her tinkering. A large pile of rubble and metal alloys lay before her. Things needed to be smelted, molded, formed and destroyed again to make her creation. She wouldn't tell anyone yet what it was, but the only part completed had a star of David etched elaboratly onto it.

She was working far away from the others in Crimson Corps, liking her privacy and a calm place from the senseless violence and chaos that everyone else's creations created.16 It was bad enough when Jen's first attempt at genetic engineering devoured the last invention Sally made..(Stupid shark people ><) but then Amys last invention really loused things up for her. (Amy's was a neat invention really, it looked like a regular sheet of paper, but had a habit of conspiring against anyone who wrote on it, and these people tended to turn up dead somewhere…very tragic…but neat all the same). Sally had had enough and found comfort in the lonely German woods.

It was while she sat tinkering in the woods, brow furrowed in serene concentration, that her scanner suddenly began to blip and whine. She tried to ignore it at first, as the particular tinkering she was doing at the moment was excrutiatingly nessisary to the rest of her contraption, but the beeping and clicking the scanner made only became more persistant.

She tore her eyes from the metal knobs and bolts and fixed her attention upon the scanner. It seemed that someone was attempting to contact Crimson Corps, and she checked her database (she had a chip inserted in her brain to have all the knowledge of the internet)17 Sally discerned that the signal was coming from the vicinity of somewhere in America.18 She flipped the switch with some annoyance, already expecting it to be a telamarketer.

A voice crackled causualy from the other side of the scanner, "Hellooo, Crimson Corps?" "No." Sally decreed, before flipping the off switch and ending the conversation. Had Sally known Will very well she may have recognized his voice, and had Will known Sally well he would have anticipated such a response. However, not knowing her well and now quite annoyed, he yelled "Well screw them then!" and went back to whatever Will does to spend his time. Sally in the meantime nodded to herself that she did the right thing and went back to tinkering.


Meanwhile


"DU, DU HAST, DU HAST MICH! DU HAST MICH!" angry and especially loud German music blared from the speakers in the control room of Crimson Corps. Rather then rejoice in the sound, Jen perked up and ran to the super computer. "KATIE! ALI! GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE!" What sounded like typical music for people like Jen, Ali, and Katie to be blaring, was actually their alarm system for intruders. Set off by the Cannon ball burping crocodiles as someone passes the moat, music is played to make the folks from Murray industries think that Crimson Corps was distracted and having a party.

Such an alarm system did of course cause problems at first, because Katie, Jen, Ali and Amy all liked blasting this German song. They had to make a solemn, blood binding agreement not to play it ever again. This of course meant that they only got to hear it when the alarm system went off, so although they acted alarmed, they were all rather pleased and began singing along in between words.

"Willst du bis der tod euch scheidet, - who is invading??" Katie sang/asked as she approached. "Treu ihr sein fur alle tagen - Can't tell yet, the super computer is having a hard time locking on" Jen replied between head bangs while Ali started pressing buttons and trying to zoom in on their target. "Nein, nein! I mean yes, yes,I found him!" Ali chirped happily and pointed at the screen. Their old enemy John Murray himself was stalking boldly though their German forest, unaware that even if he took Crimson Corps somehow, Amy was at the moment invading Murray industries and he would gain nothing…other then a nicer view here in Germany.

It had been a few years since the members of Crimson Corps had come into contact with John, and although they had waged war on him in a new way since moving to Germany, mixed feelings fell upon the room. Jen had two favorite people to torture, one if which she'd been harrassing continuesly since their move to Germany (This being Ali of course) and the other was John. How she loved to torture them both. And although Ali brought her much happiness (just last week in fact Jen had turned Ali's new pet kitten into a 20 foot tall rabid math problem ((which was a horrible thing to do, but at least it was still kinda cute and fluffy despite the rabidness and drooling and it retained it's love for chasing balls of yarn….how endearing »))) Ali of course will not forgive her for this…But Jen was absolutly delighted to harrass John again. (who btw is not her ex…they ever broke up, they just stopped talking for several years and continue to wage war from across the world..that's just how their relationship is ^^).

Ali was both pleased and displeased to see John on the computer screen, as he was another person other then Jen who delighted in the torture of her. But it would also be a time for her to get revenge on him for all of the torment and harrassing and his endless text messages of the word "sex" to her several times a day for the last 6 years…ugh. He just had to prove that he could be more boring then her ex….

But Ali had something up her sleeve that would surprise and with any luck intimidate John….and best part yet? It was hiding in the bushes right in front of him..and moment now……..

John" FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-19


The Mind behind the Mastermind

(By IMSans)

"We need to get you out of here," Ian ushered Andrew to the elevator, "We'll get back to my base and plan our gathering from there."

Andrew stopped and paused, watching Ian hastily push the elevator button to go down, "I'm confused… Aren't you a villain too?"

Ian shrugged, "Not so much into world domination as the others, but yeah… sure makes paying taxes easier: you don't."

The elevator dinged, revealing not a steward, but three Andrew clones, all of which had numbers on their arms: 091, 092, and 094. That was all Ian had time to see before the vikings attacked. Ian backed up and lined up next to Andrew, and together, the original viking and the Stormseeker's holder stood, waiting for the three Andrew Clones to attack, when suddenly he broke his battle-pose and turned to his companion.

"Did we honestly just start combat like a JRPG?" Ian blinked.

Andy paused, broke stance and nodded, however equally confused, "I was wondering why we weren't attacking… it's not our turn yet."

Ian and Andy continued to look at each other, both shrugging, before rushing to tackle the lot of them. Ian took on one clone, while Andy battled with two of his likenesses. The Andy Clone grabbed Ian's left arm and began to squeeze, bones breaking almost instantaneously. Ian gritted his teeth and bashed the clone in the head with the hilt of his blade, releasing the hold. With a few adjustments, Ian powered up the Stormseeker. It glowed a pretty sky blue, and gave off a mist like colored dry-ice smoke. With a single thrust, he ran the Andy-Clone through. The clone bloated and suddenly spouted out like a fountain, falling to the ground shortly after in a puddle of water. Ian looked at his sword hesitantly… he had meant to liquefy the clone, not pour fife gallons of water into him… he gave a shiver and corrected his adjustments.

Andrew, on the other hand, was living the dream in a much less morbid fashion: he had found his equal in battle… not equals: only he could best himself, but his argument was that anyone he wasn't, wasn't him, therefore his clones couldn't be him because he wasn't equal to them, they were equal to him. Two of them, though, made him and equal to them… and… on second though, this could be simplified by saying that there was much battling of the viking variety, but the true Andy won. (He was the true-ist of the true vikings. The others were imitative vikings not equal to the- *Narrator dies and is suddenly replaced by a less confusing narrator*)20

They rushed to the elevator after the battle and made it as far as the lobby, when a tall, brooding cloaked man intercepted them, standing between the two and the exit.

"Get out of our way, we have no time for you!" Ian shouted, waving his hand as if swatting away a fly.

"You hope to leave the industries alive?" the figure spoke, "A fallen viking and a failed villain? And here I thought John was joking…"

"Where is he?! Where's John?!" Andy shouted.

"I will tell you if you manage to survive…" spoke the dark cloaky, "Andrews! Assemble! The DARK LORD CAMERON DEMANDS IT!!!"

Within seconds, not only the Dark Lord, but several hundred Vikings stood in the duo's way…

"Weeeeeee might need some help…." Ian gave a small whimper as he tightened his grip on the Stormseeker.


500O GALLONS OF MEAD ON THE FLOOR…

(by Jen)

Luckily for Andrew and Ian, the army of Andrew clones were momentarily busy. You see, Amy had indeed found a way to create havoc in Murray industries, and she had managed to do so at that exact moment. For unknown to Andrew, Ian, and the Dark (but scrawny) Lord Cameron, a giant Pterodactyl had just unloaded 15 tons of home brewed mead down the halls of Murray Industries, and there was more where that came from. The Andrew clones, although made from Andrew, had the same sort of problems that any clone would have. Any problems the origional would have, the clones have worse. So, Andrews love for mead is tenfold in the clones, and they began consuming the sweet secret storage of it that was now flooding the first and second floors of the building. (Don't even mention the basement). In fact, they found them unable to stop drinking the mead, to the point where some remained licking the walls in desperation for more, and others simply keeled over from alcohol poisoning.

Amy stomped down the hall past the many Andrews and stopped once she entered the office of John M Murray. With a rather evil and triumphant nod, Amy snatched his golden nameplate from his desk and replaced it with a new name plate reading: "Valley Girl John Murray, Queen of the Mall."

meanwhile,

**"Andrews! Assemble! The DARK LORD CAMERON DEMANDS IT!!!"

Within seconds, not only the Dark Lord, but several hundred Vikings stood in the duo's way…

"Weeeeeee might need some help…." Ian gave a small whimper as he tightened his grip on the Stormseeker.**

As Ian said this, he realized that the Andrews who had come to attack suddenly stopped and sniffed the air. "What?" Cam barked at them in an annoyed voice, but next thing they new the Andrews were gone. Ian even had to stop the real Andrew from running after them, for he too could smell the sweet smell of fresh mead…

Ian and Andrew looked at Cam.

Cam looked at Andrew and Ian.

Cam sighed. "well that sucks.." and turned to walk away.


Random Interlude - Life of a Soldier

(by IMSans)

The Neutral Zone - a place where none of the territorial powerhouses controlled - the place where my brother lived. Honestly, how anyone could live in such a hellhole was beyond me… the place was colorful: it had every color and shade of dirt imaginable. The rubble and wreckage from the glory days of civilization provided what shelter it could for the meek. It was a sad sight for someone like me - a man from those very days of yore.

I lived a life fantasizing about mythology and science fiction. I played dungeons and dragons with my friends, watched Star Trek: The Next Generation when I got home, and laid my head to rest next to a self-crafted walking staff with a giant quarts crystal locked on it's top.

Then I went into the military.

Eighteen years of service, or so I thought. I served in Afghanistan, earned the respect of my peers and my family. I was captured by and enemy - not a native. I was thrown into a locker of sorts and was kept there - it took some time, but thanks to my knife, I pried open the door. When I escaped, the world had changed - this land had been ravaged… by man of course, but it looked more like the work of a demon. As far as I knew, I was still trapped behind enemy lines. I quickly began to gather information by any means I could. Newspapers were completely out of print, the homeless spoke in dialects now considered lost, and the world was divided into three - Murray Industries, Crimson Corp., and this place… this god-forsaken place. The neutral zone.

It was here, I heard of the rumor. A lone man, once writer, now inventor, had taken up arms. Noted for being one of the last men alive to defy the super powers at large. I recognized the name instantly, and swore I'd find him. The life I knew was dead now, but as much as that knowledge tore me apart, a soldier had to be heartless toward those memories until given the time to mourn - that time was not in unfamiliar lands. That time was not when you were potentially surrounded. That time was not when the world was out to get you and your one chance at finding anything left in your life was in that same danger.

In time, I found a storeroom - relics of a lost era were scattered in there - the era of my time, when soldiers fought for freedom and to protect those they loved. With the click of my salvaged auto-rifle, I vowed to continue fighting in that era.

I would find Ian. I would find him and protect him for anything that dared stand between him and his freedom. And he'd get it, unless those seeking to oppress him could best the last of the United States Military… if they could best the one he called 'brother'. I would walk, crawl, sprint, fight, bleed and live in this world until I found him. The life of a neutral was never easy… the life of a soldier was just as bad… but it helps every now and then to remember what we're fighting for.


Take One Down 'n Pass it Around

(by IMSans)

The cloaked dark figure vanished out of sight before Ian and Andrew could do much of anything else. And with Ian taking the majority of his time to persuade his friend NOT to drink the mead on the floor, they hardly noticed the seriousness of those seconds before their dashing escape.

A wrist-watch buzzed on the Dark Lord's arm. Before he clicked a button on it, it let out a sound - a caller ID voice that was unique to each caller. This one in particular, said in a nasal-clogged voice, "Giggidy". Cameron gave an involuntary shudder before speaking in his dark, raspy voice, "Quagmire, report."

"You don't have to use my code-name on the com, Cameron," the voice spoke, "besides, that names' a bit too obvious. Couldn't you and John think of a better one? And WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE BATMAN?!"

Cameron coughed, clearing his voice - "I'm a dark lord, I had to do something to it. And John agrred, no other name fits you than that one. How goes Will?"

Will's voice echoed on the other end, "I'm fine, thanks for asking."

A pause and sigh later, 'Quagmire' replied, "The soldiers got here, but didn't install the virus. I uploaded it, and we have our AI back."

"Good," Cameron smiled deviously, "Return to the rendezvous point - we'll meet John there and discuss further plans to undermine Crimson Corp. Ian won't be bothering us again… if we're lucky, the same can be said of Andy. Report to me if complications arise, Jamie."

"Yes sir."


"Quick Andy, we got to get out of here…" Ian tugged on Andy's shirt finally convincing him after a minute's debate. Together, the two ran out of Murray Industries and hit his com-link.

"Will, give me the quickest route out of here…. I've got only moments before all those proto-Andrews that can still move finish with that distraction." Crackling over the microphone concerned Ian and he blinked, waiting a moment's time. "Will, respond… what's going on?"

Ian's eyes opened wide and looked to his friend as Will responded in a dreary voice, almost psychotic in its calm tone, "I'm sorry, Ian. I'm afraid I can't do that… Tell me, Ian. Would… you… like… to… play… a… game?"

That very moment, rocks fell from the sky.

Thankfully, as Ian was a Cthulhu Keeper at one point, he was very familiar with this scenario. With a quick tug, he and Andy sought valuable cover to avoid the rocks.

"Gah! What was that?!" fumed Andy.

"That…" Ian took off his com-device and stared at it with a nervous shiver, "was bad. Very bad… I think Will's not with us anymore… he sounded a lot more than just off."

"Well? What do we do?" Andy blinked.

Ian stared to the top of Murray Industries, to where John's office would have been. Things were not going according to plan at all.

"We're gunna need some help."


Another One Bites Your Butt

(by Jen!!!)

Meanwhile, back in Germany;
"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!" John cried out while holding his now very sore bottom. A metalic creature sat triupmphantly behind him, it's metal tail swinging back and forth happily. John whirled around and saw K-9, or something that looked a lot like the robotic dog from the Doctor Who series staring at him intently. "YOU BIT MY BUTT!!! He yelled and stomped his foot as he did so. K-9 meerly wagged its tail and watched him sulk.

At Crimson Corps. Ali watched rather gleefully. However, John had an idea. He'd only gone there to instigate, so he turned and grabbed the K-9 and ran in the opposite direction. "NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Ali howled as her beloved invention was botnapped by John. he laughed evilly as he ran, but suddenly smacked into something rather large and fluffy and fell flat on his back. Looking up, he saw what was once Ali's puppy, (now a rabid math problem) looming over him and panting rather excitedly. "Wait!!" John cried, standing up to the beast just as it was opening it's abnormally large mouth to bite him; "I can solve you!!!!" In John's excitement, he grabbed the math problem too and ran off into the distance, onto a helocopter (after taking some little kids icecream) which landed inside a large plane, which parked on a boat, and then the boat went under water as a submarine, then turned into a space ship, and blasted out of the water to an acceptable hight for John to parachute out, land into a hot air balloon, and finally the hot air balloon landed ten feet away. "Hmm…that was a terrible plan." John then radioed his base to have whoever designed that idea shot (it was actually a plan Matt had made before dissapearing) and John then boarded a jetblue plane and made it safely back to Murray Industries.


Meanwhile, after having watched in mild amusement John's lame escape from them,21 Jen, Katie and Ali were greeted by a rather surprising visitor in their base.

"YOU!" Katie hollered, pointing the soulilator at the unknown guest; "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

The subject of Katie's hostility was a red skinned, black horned, clover footed demon who raised an eyebrow at Katie's weapon of choice. "Surely you would know that demons have no souls…" it's voice and expression were bored. "Ah…right" Katie frowned and lowered her precious Soulilator.

"So, what is it that you need?" Ali asked.

"I'm here for Satan. He's gone missing you see, and we need him to approve of some redecorations to Hell."

Jen frowned at the demon. "Why do you think Nate would be here?" The demon hissed, "hssss! Say not the true name of Satan!" Jen raised her hands appologetically. "Ok, sorry"

"What?!" Alex cried. "He's not Satan! He just looks like it!" "No." The demon spoke softly. "he is Satan. The reason I believe you have something to do with his dissaperance is because last he was seen he was headed here to repremand one of you for letting Murray Industries get so carried away." "Hmmmm.." Considered Katie. "I wonder which trap he fell into…" "Well you'd better find him!" The demon snapped, "or I'll send your not-so-evil-asses all to heaven when you die!" "Is that…bad?" Jen asked confused. "You have to go to Church everyday in Heaven, you have to be nice to everyone, and science is not allowed!"

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
" "THE HORROR!" "Please! Anything but that!! We'll find him!!!"

"Good." The demon replied curtly before dissapearing in a blast of fire.

The trio looked at each other. "Let's get started looking. We'll relay the message to Sally, and to Amy when she gets back from her trip." they nodded agreement and took off in different directions.


Meanwhile, Amy was on the flight back to Germany when she got a call from Ali. Despite the howls of dispair and someone going on about the horrors of sitting through a church sermon everyday, Amy got the gist of Ali's message. She had to find Nate, and perhaps, now that they know that Nate is indeed Satan, perhaps she could force him to help her take down Murray Industries….
Amy smiled evilly to herself and looked out the plane window. Everything is going well…except for one thing……..there's…something…there's something on the wing!


The Inquisitor and the Top Hat

(IMSans)

The majority of the Neutral Zone was located in the western United States and Australia, however segmented parts of neutral territory presided in northern Maine, southern Argentina and Greenland. Aside from the fact that, of course, no one of importance lives there, it's still good to know, as Ian and Andrew fled from Murray Industries in his undisclosed secret location two seconds from Logan International Airport, they decided on their plans en route to their next destination, wherever that may be.

"We could go back to your lab…" Andy suggested. Ian wasn't very convinced after hearing the tampered response Will sent over the com earlier today. He'd have to consider all his equipment and the Safe House compromised. "No… we won't find help there, but I'll agree we'll have to take the place back before we face John again."

"So what epic journey are you going on in the meantime?"

Ian thought long of all the allies and enemies over the years… John and Jen were running two rival companies of heinous villainry and mad science. John managed the majority of his efforts by himself, but had help in the beginning from ones like Yusef, and the Dark Lord, Cameron. Jen on the other hand ran a more general base of operations and included Ali and Katie in her efforts. He knew there were others (Sally and Amy would be perfect examples) but he was only somewhat familiar with her crew.

"That leaves Geoff, Nate, Matt and Todd…" Ian murmured, continued by Andy, "And don't forget Evans, Whitney, J-Bar. Maybe even Saba."

"It's been so long, I haven't kept track of -everybody-… On the other hand, the more we had to take on John the better our chances… also lessens our chances of a sneak attack, but with giant pterodactyls roaming about, that was kiboshed to begin with…"

Andy giggled at the thought - perhaps imagining him battling one such mystical creature, before concluding, "I wonder how it got here?"

"Seeing as it's extinct, I'd like to know too." Ian frowned, the answer of the Crimson Corp. the only thing sounding not as far-fetched as a pterodactyl roaming through the lower floors of Murray Industries.

"Well, let's start from the top. Where's Geoff? We lost contact after he and his girl Megan hit it off."

Andy's eyes opened wide, "Ian, that was ten years ago."

Ian smiled, "And you know what's funny? In this story, we still all look the same as we did back when we were in college."

"What do you mean? What story?"

"Wasn't I your narrator at one point in time?" Ian smirked. Andy nodded his head, chuckling briefly, "Yeah you were… right before Cam became an actual doctor."

Ian gave a content sigh and stared at the sky. It was white at this time, because the current narration sucked and lacked giving a viable description to where the two were going!22 So, The two of them made good time and wandered north to the wastelands of Maine. It looked pretty much the same as it did back in the day, really… only all the pine trees looked a little tan-ish.

The Stormseeker stopped shaking and glowing dark violet as Ian finally managed to turn off the plot device switch on his creation that somehow portaled them to what would have been the Auburn exit of the turnpike. Ian carefully sheathed the weapon, wondering why he even created it with a plot device switch when he was still making malfunctioning creations like - … well, by now, I hope you guys know when I refer to the Popper…

Andy looked around, becoming familiar with his surroundings. "Funny, there were more hobos last time I was here… I distinctly remember leaving an army of them here."

Ian sighed, "I need to gather a few lost relics of mine I have in storage."

Andy blinked, "You don't sound so enthused about it."

"It means going back…. there."

Andy understood, and swore he'd meet up with Ian back at the exit once he rallied the Hobarmy again. Ian began to walk, glaring at the road ahead of him - as if by some arbitrary reason the road hastened his pace with the cruel and unusual torture awaiting him at his destination. He would have to execute a much more professional strategy here than his rummages in Murray Industries… John was nothing to worry about compared to the horrors of the precursor generation… one in particular awaited him.

Ian growled one word that walk with a hiss in his tone, and nothing more: "Jerathai…"

With a much better outcome awaiting him, the viking approached Auburn with definite hints that his Hobarmy was still large and in charge. Something greater, however, made him go from a brisk walk to a battle-charge,

A black top-hat worn by a very familiar friend and ally… second in command to Andrew's mighty army.


Spreading the Confusion. It's Like a Virus

(Ali)

Meanwhile…back in John's kitchen…

Ron was sitting next to the counter, flipping through a Men's Health magazine. Behind him on the counter was his weekly regiment of his trendy vitamins. Surrounding him and his pills, was a plate of shrimp alfredo, freshly cooked chicken, mozzarella sticks, a pan of lasagna, carrots in a big serving bowl, homemade ice cream, pizza, nacho chips, burritos, swiss cheese omelets, a pan of Shepard's Pie and pumpkin pie. As Ron's eyes finished skimming over an article, he broke his eyes away from the page and looked around the room. A sigh escaped his lips before he tossed the magazine onto the island in front of him. What was the point? No one was in the kitchen to see him cook, and no one was around to witness him reading his trendy magazines. So why carry on the facade anymore?

Taking his apron off, he was about to leave the room when his mind hooked onto a brilliant idea. He could make his own cooking show! After all, Ron was never out of the spotlight of anyone and having no one around to watch him accomplish all his tasks was too awkward for him to handle. It was strange territory for him and having only five minutes of solitude at Murray Industries was more than enough for him.

Walking swiftly to the closet, Ron pulled out a spare video camera and a tripod. He set it up five feet from the island in the kitchen. Cleaning off the tabletop, he put his apron back on, made sure he looked like a, A&F model and then turned on the camera. A smile slipped across his lips and his eyes sparkled as he made contact with the lense (Ron has a way of making his eyes gleam at will after finding an invention that one of the minions of Murray Industries had invented. John had thrown it out, calling it useless. He had actually thrown it out of the window of his office and it had happened to drop in front of Ron while he was leaving the building to go to the gym. Ron put the "useless" invention to good use).

"Today," he started all dramatically, as he usually does to catch people's attention (in case the eye sparkling didn't work), "we are going to be watching Cooking with Ron. Because that's me: Ron." He flashed another smile at the audience. "Your regularly scheduled programs will not be viewed this evening; or any evening, for that matter. My show is here now, broadcasting from your wonderful overlord corportation, Murray Industries." He took a break in his introduction to laugh maniacally; a laugh that would have made John and Ian gasp and complain, "I wish I could laugh that evilly" if they had heard it.

As it was, they didn't. Because they were away.

"Today," Ron continued in his same epic and commanding voice. "We are going to learn how to make cupcakes. But these aren't your NORMAL grandma's cupcakes. This is because our cupcakes are going to be filled in the middle with a sweet calimari…."

MEANwhile….

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME!?" Ali yelled on the top of her lungs. "I said I am NOT going to do that!"

"But we need a sample!" Jen insisted.

"I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE A BIOPSY OF A DEVIL'S HORN! FUCK OFF!"

Katie rolled her eyes and sighed, turning her gaze away from the scene afoot. The demon, meanwhile, was staring in total shock at the two of them fighting. "Are…are they always like this?" He asked cautiously, not sure if he was prepared to hear the answer. Katie just nodded vaguely.

"Yeah. They do everything in the name of science…" She then started twiddling with her thumbs, avoiding getting involved with the situation at hand. After all, the Soulilator had no effect on the demon, so why should she contribute anymore involvement?

"I know what to do," Ali said defiantly, shoving Jen off her back after Jen got the "brilliant" idea that jumping on Ali's back would somehow convince her that she would do as Jen commanded. "I'm gonna call my robot." Whipping out her cell phone, she speed-dialed her office at her laboratory.

(at the lab..)23

"You rang?" the robot answered lazily, performing his best impersonation of Lurch his programming could muster.

"Tango-Yankee-Lima-Echo-Romeo, I need you to teleport to our location as fast as you can. Do you copy?" The robot sighed (or, as close to a sigh a robot can have). He had contempt for Ali as his creator, and his name was at the stem of that contempt.

"Can't you just call me Tyler? That is what you named me." There was a pause on the other line.

"But that wouldn't be as cool."

".." Tyler lowered his head and shook it. Thanks to Sally, he had been equipped with a functional AI unit but it was the position of Crimson Corp (although the others didn't share this information with Ali) to use an older model of AI that only transmitted selected emotions. Unfortunately for them being cheap about purchasing an AI, the company got the lower end of the model on sale: a program that only contained irritation, contempt, annoyance and all out indifference.

Most of those emotions were directed at Ali because she was the only one who ever made him do anything.

"Please, Tango-Yankee-Lima-Echo-Romeo. You are our only hope." It was obvious that the use of an over-used film cliche by Ali that she meant what she said.

"Alright," Tyler agreed. "But I'm not doing any work when I get there."

"What was that?" Ali asked, but Tyler had already disconnected.

(back to the trio of Crimson Corp friends)

Tyler arrived at the site of his creation's location. Unfortunately he was unaware that there would be a demon present and accidentally landed on top of him when he arrived. Being that Tyler weighed roughly 300 pounds and the demon weighed a mere 125, the demon was crushed under the robot's weight. "Oops," Tyler said as he moved off the pancaked hell's minion. Katie, Ali and Jen stared openly at the fallen demon.

"I thought the cardinal rule was NOT to kill the messenger." Katie pointed out.

"He'll be fine." Jen shrugged it off. She turned her back on the fallen demon and faced the robot directly. "Tango-Yoda-Lollipop….err………..Era…..Renaissance: I demand that you get a biopsy of that demon!"

Several seconds passed in an awkward silence. "First of all," he corrected. "That's not my name. Secondly, I don't take orders from you. Thirdly, he's dead."

"But that's perfect!" Jen grinned. "Now he won't be able to resist us!"

Tyler turned to Ali and waited for her reply. Ali shrugged. "She has a point…"

"Fine," Tyler grumbled. "But I don't have to like it." As he stomped towards the flat body, Jen, Katie and Ali talked amongst themselves about things that are not important enough to add to the plot of the story.

Tyler knelt down beside the body and examined it closely. The minion was most definitely dead. His skull was crushed in. His injuries reminding him of home, Tyler decided to do what he did best: ignore the work and pretend like he already did it. Picking up the body, he hurled it above his head so it soared out of sight and would land a distance some 800 feet to their north.

After Jen, Ali and Katie finished their discussion of no particular interest, Ali turned to face Tyler. "Is it done?"

Tyler nodded his head. "All finished. Now I'm going to head back to the lair and work on this sample." The Crimson Corp team seemed pleased with this. But before Tyler could get away, there was a loud, "OW!!" followed by a short "Simon? Oh my Hell, Simon!" and that was followed up by a "well, I guess you never were good for much anyway. Moving on." And that was even followed by an action in movement: someone with a very mysterious and sinister looking goatee stepped out of the brush and moved towards Ali, Jen and Sally…..24

MEANwhile…with John…

The founder and owner of Murray Industries…the leader of two-thirds of the not-so-free world…the person who single-handedly could never stop Crimson Corp, John Murray, was in a closet. He had no idea how he had gotten there or why it was such a small closet, but there he was: standing, cramped, up against a broom and a shovel.

"Well this is mighty inconvenient," John muttered, shoving things out of his way that was blocking the door. It took him a good ten minutes to weasel himself out of that small storage space because of all the items blocking his path. Once he made it out, he turned to face the closet, his back to the vast hallway. He was no sooner out of the closet, however, that he found himself shoved back into it again. The door was closed behind him and a mop handle fell against the adjacent wall, once more blocking his path quite uneffectively.

As John banged his head against the back of the closet wall, he suddenly had a flash of realization and remembered how he had ended up in the closet in the first place: he was just walking down a hallway, minding his own business when something came out from behind him and shoved him into the closet. But because John had not seen the (assumed) person's face, he couldn't plan his retaliation against it. After all, he could have been going up against a human, a robot or a giant green gorilla in an apple costume. He didn't know!!

Despite not knowing much about his present position, John shoved everything out of his way and again left the closet. He was about to turn around and face the interior, but remembered what had happened the two times before and decided against it. In doing so, he narrowly avoided a cleaning bot that was approaching fast, trying to shove him back into the small room. John leaped out of the way just in time before the robot, thinking it had thrown John back into the closet, closed the door behind it and wheeled away.

John stared openly at the robot, but his emotions soon moved from aggravation to being impressed. Whoever had built that unit definitely knew what they were doing. Sure, the robot was dumb enough that it couldn't distinguish between a person and an object, but look that that hallway! It was immaculate!

As John was standing there, a safe distance away from the closet (apparently things could be tolerated in the hallway, as long as they were not standing in front of a closet), admiring the cleanliness of the floor and walls, he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. It was a dark green cardboard box that was painted to look like a crappy spaceship. John was fooled by the poor paint job and moved towards the box in awe. "Awwwww…." he hummed as he opened the entrance hatch to the fake box and went inside.

There was a large, blinking blue button in the box. That's all it contained. John, who loved to push any kind of button, looked like a child on Christmas morning as his eyes lit up and his hand reached out. "OooooOOOOOooooO…. What does THIS~ button dooooo?"25. Once the button was pressed, there was a soft little 'blip' and the box (and John) were gone.

MEANwhile…

"Nate, get out of here. We don't want you here."

"Awwww…." Nate lowered his head and slumped away.

MEANwhile…

Ron's cooking show was creating quite a buzz among the audience of two-thirds of the world. More and more women who had never even so much as lifted a ladle in their lives were now boosting the culinary industry in order to be apart of something Ron was interested in. His smile was enough to make every girl swoon for him.

Too bad the smile was an artificial creation of the camera unit Ron was using. It knew that the REAL Ron smile would be too much to send over the airwaves. It might kill some of the audience members. Plus, the camera liked Ron's real smile enough to shield it from the rest of the world and keep it for itself.

MEANwhile…

Amy was still staring out of the plane window when at the object on the wing. She was both amazed and horrified and had not moved a muscle in two minutes in case she would catch the attention of the object. She had been staring for several minutes and there was no doubt in her mind that what she was seeing was real. Her mind wasn't playing tricks on her; that was really Sweedums who was sitting on the wing, enjoying a nice breeze and drinking tea.

MEANwhile…

Andrew smiled when he recognized the top hatted individual.

"BATTLING!" Andrew cried excitedly and attacked Geoff. The two friends wrestled each other to the ground.

MEANwhile…

John found himself in a bush. Standing up, he rubbed his shoulders and tried to gage his location. Standing about ten yards ahead of him was someone who looked very…familiar……

"Is that..?" John's mouth fell open as he realized the truth. "That's me!" He said and pointed, as if there was anyone else around to point his findings out to. John was happy with glee until his face suddenly fell. That whole scene looked awfully familiar and, for some reason, standing where he did made his butt hurt all over again…

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!" The other John cried out while holding his now very sore bottom. A metallic creature sat triumphantly behind him, it's metal tail swinging back and forth happily. Other John whirled around and saw K-9, or something that looked a lot like the robotic dog from the Doctor Who series staring at him intently. "YOU BIT MY BUTT!!! He yelled and stomped his foot as he did so. K-9 merely wagged its tail and watched him sulk.

Future John watched this and winced as he saw his other-self being bit on the bum again. He rubbed his own backside from the not-to-distant memory of that same event. As he watched himself run off with K-9 (asking himself in the back of his mind where K-9 had gone after he got shoved into the closet), John heard a rustling from the bush next to him.

"FRRRRRRRIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It moaned. "FRRRRIIIIIIIEEEENNNNDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" John, being startled, jumped away from the bush but the rustling and the moaning continued. "FRRRIIIIEEEEEEEENNNNNN —"

MEANwhile…

Ali and Jen felt bad about sending Nate away and he was walking away so slowly and pathetically that they had to call him back. "Since we were kinda sent on a side-quest to find you and you showed up…" Ali sighed. "I guess you can come with us and we can take you to someone who can give us all the credit for finding you."

"YAY!" Jen danced around happily. "Nate's coming with us!" Katie glowered, but said nothing.

Nate was happy and to show that appreciation, he immediately went up to Ali and duck-attacked her. She smacked him away, but he only laughed evilly. Then he kept messing up Jen's hair in a faux-noogie style and got her agitated as well; which only caused him to laugh in triumph even more. Ali and Jen were left to fume in almost-but-not-even disgust with Nate as they slunk along, wondering why they had felt bad about making him leave the group for all of twenty seconds.

As they continued on their way, Ali remembered a task she had to do that had slipped her mind. Pulling out a stack of roughly ten pages, she handed them off to Tango-Yankee-Lima-Echo-Romeo. "Can you fax these directly to the number on the Post-It? I should have sent them out before we left Skullcrusher Mountain, but I forgot."

Tango-Yankee-Lima-Echo-Romeo sighed but took the papers as commanded. He computed the number and then they disappeared from his metal hand. They were thought to have been faxed (or teleported, seeing as how they disappeared) as Ali requested, until they rained from above and fell all over Nate.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Nate yelled. "Why does random things always seem to fall on my head?"

Both Katie and Ali didn't make the connection, but Jen understood. She caught the artificial eyes of the robot and smiled. Tyler nodded its head but didn't make a sound.

MEANwhile…

John was starting to get frightened of the voice. It started out lame enough and seemed more harmless than a Making Fiends video. That was until it continued and the brush movements only came when John least suspected them. He was about to cross the line to being utterly terrified when a scrawny, scruffy, hyperactive New York kid jumped out from behind the brush. "It's MEEEEEEE!!!!!" Todd exclaimed happily.

John glared at him.

And then he pulled out a gun and shot him.

Todd fell to the ground…and then disappeared.

The REAL Todd came out a moment later, his hands raised in surrender. He tried to talk while holding back his laughter. "Sorry, dude. I just wanted to fuck with you. But, gee, thanks for killing my holograph."

John said nothing, but pulled the safety back on his revolver. Todd backed up and raised his surrender arms a little higher. "Whoa, whoa. I'm really sorry, man. It was just a joke."

The two had a stare down until John finally re-engaged the safety and put the gun back in its holster. "Don't scare me like that." he grumbled and made to move away.

Before he could leave, Todd ran after him. "Wait, John, you can't leave."

"Why not?" John snapped, perfectly intent on leaving.

"Because you're stuck here!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" John grumbled right before he took another step, ran into the barrier and was thrown back to the bush where he had landed after his time travel adventure. Todd let out a bark of laughter before running back to John. The overlord, meanwhile, was patting the dust and dirt from his clothes. "What the hell just happened?"

"There's a barrier—" Todd tried to explain.

"No shit." John snapped back. Todd ignored him.

"A barrier that keeps you here, in this time and place." Todd continued.

"Then how the hell am I supposed to get out of here!?" John bellowed. "I have two-thirds of the world to run, you git!"

Todd smirked. "Oh, there is a way to get out of it. Do you remember that math problem you wanted to solve? You know…the one that used to be Ali's pet kitten?"

John nodded his head, thinking back. And then he stopped and stared at Todd. "How would you know that?" He asked, suspicion aroused.

"Because I'm not really HERE." Todd grinned. "I am here, but NOT here, dude! I am your GUIDE." John rolled his eyes. It figures, when he would have the opportunity to get a guide and advisor, Fate would give him a slap in the face by making it Todd. "I'm here to HELP you find your path to enlightenment."

John's head turned sideways in bewilderment. "I'm learning Buddhism?"

Todd laughed. "No way, dude. It just sounds cool. Now, look: the only real way to get out of his hold they have on you here is to solve that math problem."

MEANwhile…

At Murray Industries, Jamie was reclining back in an office chair, feet propped up on the table of the desk. He let out a guffaw at the South Park episode he was watching and little kernels of popcorn flew out of the bowl on his lap, falling to the floor. Will happened to walk in at that very moment, saw the state of the room and glared at Jamie. "Are you gonna pick any of that up?" He asked impatiently.

"No," Jamie replied right before he let out another fit of loud laughter and allowed more popcorn to fly out of the bowl and litter around him on the carpet. Will gritted his teeth but knew there was little he could do aside from getting angry at Jamie; and that would do him no good because Jamie was his only source of entertainment at the moment.

There was then a distraction that brought Will's mind away from his friend's mess: the fax machine. Walking up to it, Will waited patiently as a page was being printed off. After the machine spit out the first page and was printing out the second, Will took the piece of paper and began to read it to himself: "From the desk of Ali Chaya, C/O Crimson Corp., Skullcrusher Mountain Campus… Dear W.I.L.L.I.A.M…."


The Letter

(jen)

From the desk of Ali Chaya, C/O Crimson Corp., Skullcrusher Mountain Campus… Dear W.I.L.L.I.A.M….
I am writing to you with deep regret because - A Zoologist, a Marine Biologist and a Biologist walk into a bar. I forgot the rest of it, but your mother is a whore.-

Please excuse my Cohorts intrusion upon this letter. I left the type writer to get a drink and Jen found her way to it. Now, back to business. I am writing to inform you that, despite all of your efforts, -it has been recently found that lollipops are the soul reason for cancer.-

I apologize again, this time Sally found my letter to you while I went to get a snack. Now, all distractions aside, I am writing to try and tell you that- I am the muffin man.-

Damn it Katie, Sally and Jen! I'm trying to type a letter and it's non of your business so stop adding to it!
There's such thing as backspace…
We just want to help you type.. Nate has something to say too!
No I Don't. Larghyl.
Haha, accigone.
Argh! Seriously! I can't sound menacing with you guys typing over my shoulder! Like this?lsajdkfghepruabgx vaknr Stop!! alkjsehrtnovtiungrscamz DAMNIT! sdp;oi nprimgpehmkjxfn gppdrgirjoidjyoiprnibyviunoej

I give up. *sent*


Will looked at Jamie in confusion and Jamie returned the look. "I wonder what she wanted?"


Wrath of the Fan-Mom

(By Ian)

It had become apparent to Ian that taking a step into Wayfarer Village was a bad idea… All manner of creature had dwelled here since he moved out… one in particular would be the challenge between him and his mother's house. It was enough of a worry to make Ian wish he had Andy handy26 to back him up. Despite being very loud and noticeable, they27 always had a knack for sneaking up on you.

In the years Ian, John, Ali and Jen took up evil sciences, the previous generation was nearly completely wiped out, survivors ignored. Jerathai - Ian's mom, was such a World of Warcraft addict, not even Ian worried about a brutal response from her. It took one noise to prove him wrong - a noise that made Ian's skin crawl.

"MRRRGLLlrrglrrrrrlllllll!!"

Murlocs!28 Ian thought, switching the Stormseeker on in a panic, The woman actually genetically engineered murlocs… insidious!

The runner closed the gap between itself and Ian in a matter of seconds - a gap almost a football field's distance. Ian crouched down, and swiped at the oily amphibian with his weapon, only to have it parried by its claws. The Murloc quickly came in for a bite, latching on to Ian's shoulder and neck. With its teeth sunken in, any storm attack would double up by hitting Ian as well, leaving the inventor with little options. In an act of desperation, Ian spun and flung the creature off, but not without his shoulder being torn to shreds.

"MrrrrRRRggglrrlllllgl…." The eyes spun a moment and focused back on Ian, just in time to see the Stromseeker rise to the sky, channel lightning, and to see the sword fall in it's direction. The bolt his a glancing blow, sending scales and oil spraying the ground behind the murloc where a large gash had appeared. How it could still stand was amazing - how it fled at top speed was beyond mystery. Seconds after the Murloc's disappearance, Ian fell to his knees, a great deal of blood splashing the ground next to him. It took a great deal of time and energy, but within moments, a successful triage of makeshift bandages from his shirt slowed and nearly stopped the bleeding… at least it wasn't his sword arm.

"Congratulations, Ian…" He spoke to himself, looking at the park's primal transformation in despair, " You've managed to survive one step in the park without getting thrown out of it again."

The rest of the trip through the park was thankfully uneventful, for the most part. The park had become close to a fetid jungle, with pools of water and bizarre plant life teaming at every corner. Only the remnants of shipping trucks with the "Blizzard" corp. insignia remained… an empire that almost survived the power struggle between Crimson Corp. and Murray Industries. When it fell, Jerathai didn't know what to do with herself anymore…

Suddenly, the thought dawned on him that she had never been one to part with her addiction. The Murlocs, the take-over… this small foothold was a rising of Jer's own rebellion. She couldn't play WoW, so she was living it… She would strike back at the one who took it from her - Murray Industries… John played WoW, but promptly abolished it when he had gained enough power - Jen may have let it be and lived mutually with Blizzard, as it kept millions of people mesmerized dreamily with a $15 per month upkeep for each person - that kind of income could have definitely funded a few projects… But the last remnants of that great empire now rested in the hands of one devilish addict. All for a bunch of useful tools - Ian was beginning to question how 'worthwhile' they truly were.

Ian approached his old home - no surprise it was fully intact and flawless… she always did pride over her possessions. It was when he was at the front door did he realize that the world she had created was evidence of madness - a giant orange sabertooth tiger launched itself at Ian's chest and pinned him to the front deck. To wounded to act instantly, Ian was at the mercy of the feline, who showered his face in happy kitty kisses.

"Simon..?!" Ian gasped, to which the dawnsaber gave a gentle meow - not as gentle as he used to be, but you get the idea. After being nuzzled with Simon's now giant nose, Ian wrapped his arms around the saber gleefully - the first time he had smiled like that in a decade, "Oh my hell, Simon!!" Together, the two entered Jerathai's lair - just as he had left it so many years ago, it stood the same, except for the super-sized food dish and water bowl for the cat. That and a living tree in front of the computer. Ian slumped, "Seriously? You're a tree?"

"No, hun - I'm an Moonkin" suddenly a giant feathered beast walked out of the master bedroom behind him, "THAT is just a tree. I got it cause it looked pretty. See? It can do the twist~" The tree started dancing in place, where Ian turned to the bird in dismay.

"I've just come for a few things, Jer. I'll be out of your hair afterward."

"Before you go…" And thus began a long list of chores Ian instantly began ignoring… Any excuse to keep working on her WoW World and not keep the place spiffy… All in all, even with the dreamatic changes and no life that she had… even that - everything seemed pretty much the same. Except replace the Murlocs with the annoying neighbor kids… Though you could run a Murloc through… maybe that would have been an upgrade after all -

" And lastly, why don't you take Simon for a walk? His laps inside the house aren't as long as they used to be."

Ian smiled - the one chose he'd like… it would sure make his traveling a lot easier. Even at his age, he still couldn't drive…

"Yeah, mom, sure- I'll take Simon for a while. Just let me get some things first…"

(A few quick item grabs later, we headed back into the world of ACTUAL science, and…!)

"Andy!" Ian exclaimed, meeting the Viking back at the exit. Andy was without his hobarmy OR Geoff… something had gone wrong. Simon growled menacingly for a moment, until he got the chance to sniff Andy's arm. It smelt of honey, sweat and ruggedness, all three of which marked instant-win in Simon's book, and happily sat down next to Andy to be patted. Ian dismounted and addressed Andrew formally.

"Geoff's with Crimson Corp.," Andrew sighed, "I tried to convince him, but it was tough reasoning."

"Well?" Ian blinked, "Out with it! What was the reason?"

"For the lawls."

Ian swore, making Simon's ears shoot up in surprise, "Damn the lawls! That's the most persuasive argument in existence…"

"What about you, did you get your relics?" Andy tilted his head. Ian held up a couple of boxes that Andy recognized instantly - Ian's Magic Cards. He facepalmed, while Ian explained - "Jen's the scientist out of her, me and John29. John's got anything and everything mechanical under his belt, so that leaves me with what? The way I see it, I could only excel in something I was good at and knowledgeable at. I'm only good at two things - Video Games and Magic Cards… All my sciences have sprung off of the fantasy setting, trying to get those into reality. It's not exactly creative, but I'm good at what I do, for the most part."

"Then what are you going to do with them?" Andy asked reluctantly - he cringed realizing who's side he was stuck on… if he could die, it looked like Ian could manage it.

"Every single one of these is a Blueprint, Andy! Now that I have these, I can mass-produce any equipment we need, once we reclaim my lab! An invisibility cloak, A device that launches giant fireballs, chalices of longevity, you name it! Instead of cloning an army, imagine spawning one from nowhere!" Ian smiled as his argument slowly persuaded Andy.

"It sounds like it could work…" Andrew sighed, "But you're crazy, you know…"

"I know… how do you think I ever qualified for this job?" Ian shrugged. Ian motioned to Simon. Andrew and Ian got on the Saber and sprinted off toward Auburn, hoping to find signs of an alliance. They left without looking behind them, eagerly awaiting the horizon.

"Mmmmrrrrrlllggrrrrlgrrrr….."


The two plus cat arrived in a wooded area where they beheld a dark gathering… his once writing companion, Katie, Ali Chaya30, and a great evil, that could only be the leader of Crimson Corp, Jen herself…

"My Sisters, they day of reckoning is finally at hand! The skies shall rain fire! The seas she become as blood! The righteous shall fall before the wicked, and all of creation will tremble, before the burning alligator-standards of Crimson Corp…."

"Wait a second, that's not right," Ian pondered. Andy looked up, away from the Diablo II reference and to the inventor. "They're not human, they're shimmering… this is an alternate Paradox them… Their stronghold is in Germany, not Maine…"

"What does that mean?" Andrew murmured, "They seem pretty convincing to me…"

"They might see us there, but just Paradox versions of us… they should be completely harmless, but the events the paradox selves do are summarized of sorts. Not the whole truth, but a possible truth. And it can happen in more than one place - several at one time, actually… truly fascinating to see them up close."

Simon slowly scuttled off, staying hidden for a while. Ian rolled his eyes and smiled, "well, I guess you never were good for much anyway. We'll whistle if we need you - Moving on," Ian motioned for Andrew to join him, "Let's see what they're up to… who knows, we may not be the only Paradoxes out there… someone else might be in two places at once." It was then Andy pulled Ian down to the ground and covered the both of them in cover, pointing out a strange, malevolent being with a goatee appearing from the bushes opposite them.

Ian was about ready to whistle.


Mr. Satan, if you will

(Jen)

Suddenly jerking her head up at the goateed intruder Jen glared, but turned back to the cauldron Ali had been stirring. Now that they had found Satan, they had to broadcast a message of fear using a hologram, a mass produced one to be exact. It was their reasoning that if they could make the people who lived in john's corner of the world more afraid of her the John, then they would join Crimson corps side of the planet.

A sickly green goo oozed off the edges of the cauldron, and Katie, Ali and Jen all began chanting and murmuring under their breath. Nate, or satan, stood menacingly, arms crossed, with the shadows cast from the cauldron scattering sinisterly over him.

They surrounded the cauldron, chanting, cursing, and the flames spat higher and higher. Fire licked and burnt the cauldron and green ooze began to fall more frequently over the edge. It formed a grotesque pile on the ground by Nate's feet, to which Nate held a squealing screaming thing in a sack above it. Looking nefarious, Nate snickered darkly as he dumped the creature into the pile of goo. There was sizzeling and hissing, as the creature grew, and started to form..

In the bushes in Maine, Andrew and Ian watched in morbid horror at the atrocity the Crimson Corps group was creating. "My god what is that horrific thing?"

"I could while away the hours, conferring with the flowers, consulting with the rain, and my head I'd be scratching, while my thoughts were busy hatching, if I only had a brai-" "NICHOLE WHAT THE FUCK???!! WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SATANIC RITUAL, YOU BRAINLESS GIT!!!!!!"

Nichole stared dumbfounded at her friends. She had been in her shower only a few seconds ago, but now stood suddenly fully clothed and covered in a mysterious green goo. She was not entirely pleased, and what made it worse was that she got yelled at when she did nothing wrong! Well..she may have offed that guy the other day…and stolen that womans baby..and then stole the baby's candy..and then she gave the baby to a random hobo who may have been a baby serial killer..I mean, he was standing in front of that poster for the wanted baby serial killer..and the picture looked just like him, but he was wearing shades and the picture wasn't..so..nooo..Nichole hasn't done anything wring..why is she being yelled at???

"Don't yell at me! I did nothing wrong you assholes! And where did my shower go! I demand the return of my rubber ducky!"

Jen sighed and turned to Sally, hidden in a nearby tree. "Kill the hologram."

Andrew and Ian watched the scene unfold from curiosity to horror, to confusion and then to curiosity, horror and confusion. "I guess they don't have all of their cohorts under complete control, this could be bad if John saw that, he may try to take advantage of their disorganization." Ian pondered.

Meanwhile, back at Crimson Corps:

Jen stomped over to Nichole and threatened her with a fist. Nichole was unamused. "If you plan on summoning me, you have to tell me first, I was in the middle of a shower!!" Nichole huffed at her evil friends.

"We don't care." Jen remarked. "We were trying to look evil and menacing and instead summoning you of all people made us look like fools!" "What do you mean me of all people?! I'm more evil then anyone here!" "Is that so?" "yeah!" "Yeah?!" "YEAH!!" Nichole then punched Jen in the nose without thinking, and Jen landed flat on her back. Rage covered her face31, and jen jumped to her feet. She pulled a battle axe from an unknown location and swung it angrilly at Nichole. Nichole countered with a scythe and blocked the enraged red heads attack inches from her head.

Jen and Nichole continued this battle for ten minutes while Nate, Ali and Sally watched in amusement (Katie having dissapeared on an evil errand). Finally Jen and Nichole found themselves panting on the ground from their attacks, and shook a truce. Sally smiled nonchalantly and said, "ok, now I'll turn the hologram off." "WHAT?!?!" Jen spun at her, axe raised, as this time the hologram really did end.

Back in Maine, Ian and Andrew had seen the battle between Nichole and Jen and were even more confused as to what it meant. "What are they trying to tell us?"

Meanwhile, back at Crimson Corps headquarters:

Katie was adding the eggs. She had to stir just right, 27 times to the left, 3 times to the left, do the hokey-pokey, and "oops!"
While Katie turned she knocked the flower off the shelf and it hit the fan, turning the entire kitchen (and Katie) white. She glared at the T.V. as she dusted her apron off, making the words "I'm Better Than Ron" visible again. On the T.V. Ron was smiling radiantly and adding some spice to the concoction. In a hurry to catch up, Katie grabbed the nearest thing, hoping it was the right spice, but as she flipped it upside down she (and the object) were very surprised by this action. For this is when Katie realized it was not spice but a rather angry black cat that she was holding by the front paws, and this is when the object realized it was being unceramoniously lifted from its place of napping and was now being turned upsidedown.

Two things happened very quickly, Katie was mauled by the cat as it turned to make its escape from the uncomfortable (and degrading) position, and the cat was at the same time thrown by Katie who wished to have some skin left after the unfriendly encounter.

Eclipse the cat sailed from Katie's hand (taking small increments of Katie's flesh with her) across the kitchen and out the window. Eclipse realized he was in a rather dire situation since being born a cat he did not posses the ability to fly, and prepared for landing in the more traditional cat way…

He turned, facing away from the kitchen window, twisted his feet towards the ground..and ok, I lied…he didn't make a traditional landing and he wasn't incapable of flight, thanks to his loving owner Ali. With a soft and still irritated "meow" Eclipse activated the rocket boosters attached to his feet like boots and soared off into the distance.


"Goin' Out Swingin' "

(By Ian)

Ian stood and pushed his glasses up to the bridge of his nose, "Andrew, we need to hurry back to the Safe House… I have a gut feeling we'll need my base of operations back, and fast." The Paradox Crimson Corps. vanished from existence. Andrew exchanged looks with Ian before finally agreeing. It meant dealing with a corrupt AI and anyone currently occupying the Safe House…

The two wandered back into the forest where they found Simon D. Cat nomming on some tall grass - a favorite past-time of his. Only now, his gigantic mouth and teeth nearly uprooted most of the ground where there was nommable grass. A small rustling in the distance made his eyes widen and his body flattened in an instant and with a loud thud. With his whiskers out and his ears up, the only noise competing for the rustling was Simon's three-foot long tail, whipping with excitement and great force. The rustling disappeared as Ian whistled for his cat, much to Simon's disappointment.

"It will be sundown before we arrive at the Safe House," Ian remarked, brushing the hair from his eyes, "Keep your eyes open for other 'you's, Andrew. John might be focused on Crimson Corp right now, but that's no reason to let our guard down. If I were John, I wouldn't completely dismiss us."

(Later that day, at the Safe House)

"Quagmire, we've got a security breach in the rear…" W.I.LLI.A.M. alerted in monotonously. Quagmire gave an involuntary shiver and began racing around Ian's lab - he never liked his security breached. It complicated things down the road… After a few moments, he decided it would be a fine time to hide and kill Ian when his back was turned, assuming it was Ian who set off the alarm. He grabbed a knife and hid in one of several lockers in the dark corners of the room. After a few seconds from closing the door, he began to hear groaning noises… coming from either side of him. He looked out the grates of the locker only to find darkness… then suddenly… stars. Lots of stars. He felt almost weightless, gliding through space, looking it the galaxies and stars. His eyes glazed over and his mind went blank - not even the thoughts of women crossed his mind anymore. It would have been like him, but he wasn't really himself anymore - he honestly had no clue who he was

It was, however, Ian, Andrew and Simon that broke through the perimeter, and with the only man able to issue orders now incapacitated, W.I.LLI.A.M. sat there expectantly for his next command.

Ian burst around the corner to the downstairs lab in the Safe House with Stormseeker in one hand and the Popper in the other, Andrew accompanying him with his fists. No threats in the room… making the two all the more nervous.

"Will?" Ian glared accusingly at the AI.

W.I.LLI.A.M. made no motion of mockery or rude gesture as Ian expected, but stood still and blinked dumbfounded, "Query?"

Ian raced to the AI terminal and began going to work. Andrew followed for a moment, "What are you doing? What's going on?"

"If I can get Will back to normal, he can tell us everything about what's happened - and who else is here," Ian smiled, "All I need right now, it looks like, is the command line for restoring Will's Lifelike chip."

"Do you know what it is?"

"No…" Ian frowned, "But it comes with a hint…" Andrew's reaction made Ian smile, as the viking's eyebrow could not raise any higher from his confusion, "The wonders of Windows."

The computer whirred on and overheated only once before displaying the hint. It read "How much does a Polar Bear weigh?" Ian was not amused, though he knew the answer… with a quick input of "Enough to Break the Ice", Will's features flashed a sky blue before fading to it's usual green and gold.

"Will?" Andrew asked of the AI, hoping everything was back to normal.

"That…" the AI swore, "is the LAST time I'm left alone here, you jerk! Do you have any idea what could have happened to me based on who they sent?"

Will was back and not in a pleasant mood. All was normal for once in the Safe House and Ian missed it so. It was a shame he had to carry on with business - "Who's here? Who did John send?"

Will smiled, "See for yourself." as a cry from the locker made it very clear who it was.

"Aaiiiyyeee, Os Míos!"


You da bomb

(Jen)

Suddenly a bomb dropped onto the safe House.32


And There Was Much Rejoicing!

(Ali)

Between the smoke that billowed up from the rubble, there was a vague silhouette walking out of the fallen Safe House. Stumbling, the figure was hunched over looking much like our dear friend and compadre, Igor.

But this figure wasn't Igor. No, it was a man more of the..Harry Potter..persuasion.

Ian made it past the debris of his once-beloved Safe House. In his hand, he held a portable hard drive33 containing his oldest friend, Will. Stopping to cough and clear the smoke and ash from his lungs, he turned to squint into the dreary remains, looking for movement.

He couldn't see any, so he pulled out two d10s and made a dice roll.

He got a 82.

His Spot Hidden was a 30.

"Fuck," Ian breathed out, now looking more urgently into the rubble, hoping against hope that his roll would be wrong. But Ian knew better than that. Being an avid gamer his entire life, Ian knew that old saying: RPG Dice Tell No Lies. He had failed with a ~14.5% margin of error and he knew that Jamie was no more.

Ian was about to shed a few tears for his friend (even though Jamie had been trying to kill him) until he caught something out of the corner of his eye. Turning around, he was startled to see a Japanese man with long hair, dressed in a black trench coat with a sword sheathed to his back.

"Wh- who are you?" Ian choked out.

"My name is Hiro Nakamura. And I have a message for you."

…MEANwhile…

Jen, Ali, Nichole, Nate and Sally all stared at the story blankly.

"Why did it stop with us?" Nate wondered aloud. "It's not like we're doing anything interesting."

"I know!" Nichole exclaimed. "All we're doing is sitting here staring at each other. LITERALLY."

The author, having realized her mistake, decided to go back to a true Hiro34

"What's the message?" Ian asked suspiciously. To this author's knowledge, Ian had never seen Heroes before, so he had no idea the significance of the person standing in front of him. "Why are you here?"

"I told you," Hiro replied. "I have a message for you. And it's very important that you listen to me. Your storyline is in danger, Ian."

Sansouci was shocked. "No!" He cried out in horror. Hiro nodded his head gravely.

"Oh, yes."

"But why!? Why would someone do this to me? To my writing? It doesn't make sense!"

Hiro's brow furrowed. "Your…writing? Well, it doesn't really have anything to do with your writing, necessarily. You're being too serious about your story line and this is the longest story that the original creators of these stories have gone without offing someone."

Ian was confused. "And that's….bad..?"

"Very bad! You don't understand, Ian: these people have a need to kill off people. And when I say a need, I don't mean they need to do it like you need that pepperoni pizza for lunch; no. If they do not kill people off left and right in the stories, their Non-Kill-O-Meter skyrockets to severe proportions and the whole story will implode on itself."

Ian glared at him. "I don't believe you."

Hiro shook his head. "It doesn't matter. You don't have to believe me. Normally you might have to, but I was sent here as a plot device in order to warn you that things are about to change. And I wanted to give you my apologies, Ian…but things need to get dead NOW."

((Commercial Break…))


Continuing From Last Week…

(Ali)

Because the Dark Lord had not made an appearance in a while, the author decided to bring him into the story once again.

Cameron was sitting in his room, cats surrounding him, meowing. As he was not-so-sinisterly petting one of his favorite cats, the white noise coming from his walkie talkie caught his attention. Narrowing his eyes, he waited a few seconds longer to see if there would be a further transmission. When none came, he placed the cat down on the floor after he had to scuffle with it because it didn't want to leave.

Picking up the walkie talkie, Cam pressed the call button. "Hello?" He spoke into it. "Quagmire? Is that you?"

The walkie talkie went "hiiiiiissssssssssssssssssssss…."

Cam blinked several times and stared blankly at the hand held communicator. He pressed the talk button again. "Jamie?"

The walkie talkie responded, "hiiiiissssssssss!!!!!"

"Jamie? Jamie, come in!"

The walkie talkie was getting irritated now. "HIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" With that, it began shuddering within Cam's hand. Starting to smoke, it startled Cam and he instinctively let go of it. Once he realized his mistake, he tried to grab for it but failed. But the walkie talkie didn't hit the floor. Instead, it started to transform35 into a small robot with helicopter rings on its shoulders. Spitting at Cam, it flew defiantly out the window.

Cam stared blankly after the transformer, not knowing how to react to such a strange (yet somehow predictable) plot change.

..Moving on…

Ian stared at the place where Hiro Nakamura stood only moments before. As soon as Ian blinked, Hiro had disappeared. Furrowing his brow in concentration, Ian tried to figure out whether what he had just seen had really happened. Yes, it had FELT real when Hiro had bonked him on the head like Rafiki from The Lion King, but how could Ian be sure?

And then Ian once again felt the pounding of the back of his head, reminding him that he had, indeed, had just met the amazing (and adorable) hero who stops time and space. Still, Ian hoped that what Hiro had warned him about wouldn't come true. He wanted his story back the way he intended it.

…back in the realm of Crimson Corp…

Nate was stomping around in a circle around the members of Murray Industry's rival. All of them were together now36.

All of a sudden, a shoe flew past Nate's head.

"STOP CIRCLING US, YOU DUMB TURKEY VULTURE!" Jen screamed at him. Nate stopped and glanced up at him.

"But I'm booorrrrrrrrrrrrred," he whined.

Amy reached into the pocket of her jacket and pulled out a roll of Ritz crackers and shook them out in Nate's direction. "Nate want a cracker?" Amy had recently found out that bribing someone who was acting annoying (or simply an annoying person) a cracker, they will respond to the cracker and forget to be annoying. She had conducted several experiments on the topic and found the results surprisingly conclusive. Ninety-four percent of the time, the person in question accepted the cracker and would be silenced. She was in talks with several different science journals in order to publish a peer reviewed article about the study.

Not too surprising, Nate rushed to the offered cracker and took one. Amy smiled in success while her friends around her were amazed. Pulling out her iPod, Amy recorded her findings via a special application she had made for that specific purpose.

While Nate was munching away on his crackers, the rest of them went back to what they had been doing before.

"We are gathered here today," the priest started again. "Not in mourning in the loss of our friend, but in celebration of her life. So, dear friends and family who gather here today, when you feel the need to cry and feel sorry for the loss of dear Katie Wowk, remember to celebrate her life and not her death."

There were a couple low howls throughout the people gathered who were, in fact, mourning the loss of their friend. Most were silent and rigid, trying to hold back their grief.

From the back of the crowd, there stood a scraggly old man who just happened to be passing by. "She's not dead yet."

He caught the attention of the friends gathered, who all turned and looked at the old man. "What?" one of the friends asked.

The man paused in his walking past and turned to stare at them all like everyone of them had three heads. The only person he seemed to react normally to was the only person in the audience with four heads; but the silent suspicion was that because the square root of four was two, and the old man had no problem with people with two heads. "She's not dead yet." he repeated, this time speaking more slowly and with annunciation.

"Of course she's not dead." Geoff said from the front of the crowd. The old man was confused.

"Yeah," Sally agreed. "This funeral isn't for her BODY, but her death from the group."

The old man's eyes narrowed. "Then what the hell am I doing here?" Grumbling to himself, the Monty Python reference stormed off in a huff.

A couple seconds passed before they all turned their attention back to the faux-priest who was conducting the funeral. With a nod, he continued.

"Let us not forget the days………"

..with John….

John opened his eyes and blinked at the bright white lights against the off-white painted walls. Shock hitting his brain, he instantly jumped up and looked around him. He couldn't tell where he was. How had he gotten there? The last thing he remembered was that he was in a trap and Todd was his tour guide….what a strange trip.

But he couldn't remember ever moving to this place, or even being captured by anyone (or anything) in order for him to get to that place.

And then he remembered.


Remember the Fallen

(Ian)

The dust was slowly settling by the time Andrew appeared unscathed from the wreckage. He was giggling to himself, still recovering from the structure's shrapnel pounding him in the belly and ribs. By the time he composed himself, Ian was clearing away to the first floor, which by now, was completely demolished. Only having time to blink in confusion, Ian disappeared to the first floor, upon a loud thud echoed.

The house was completely destroyed, shrapnel and debris everywhere. Ian was trembling, his jaw dropped and his eyes in tears barely held in place by his lashes. He was shaking, worsening, and so bad that Ian had dropped the thumb drive containing Will to the floor. Andrew did not understand until he cleared his head above the stairs and saw a sight worthy of sorrow. Roughly forty meters away from the house lay Simon, living, but skewered to the ground by flying debris. He was weak, and pawing at the ground with all his energy, whimpering softly. Andrew looked away, spotting most of the noble mount's orange and white fur a rusty reddish stain around the abdomen. Ian began crawling weakly to the animal… it was a fear that had been behind almost every other fear he had since he were a child… now it had happened to a close companion and he was living the moment - the death of a companion, especially a feline friend.

"Shhh… shh…" Ian whispered, struggling to hold back the tears he had built up, but failing miserably, "I'm here… It's okay…"

It wasn't okay… Simon had been standing by the house, waiting expectantly for Ian to come back outside and join him. The blast knocked him back, and the wound was too severe. Andrew had removed himself from the scene, leaving Ian alone, but drastically thinking of a way to save him.

"M…mmmrrrroooowwwrrr…" Simon cried out, finally finding resistance to his pawing… on Ian's knee, and hand. With his remaining free hand, Ian gently patted Simon behind the ear calmly. A few moments later, and the peanut-butter tiger's tail stopped moving, his eyes glazing over into round glass orbs.

If it hadn't been before this point, Ian's sanity finally snapped. He took no time at all to grieve, burying himself into the beast's coarse fur. Thunderclouds had begun rolling in, and a gentle rain hit the fields outside where Ian once had a place called home… Andrew had pocketed Will's thumb drive and had begun setting up a small camp site in the basement, protecting what machinery still worked.

It was a long ten minutes before Ian could stand again. His face was distorted… trying to be furious in rage, but too heart-stricken to pull it off. Liquids poured from his eyes, mouth and nose, most of it tears, the rest, rain water, trying to wash it away. With a loud scream, the Stormseeker was thrown high into the sky, Lightning striking it several times before it sank blade first into the ground. Clenching his fists, Ian turned from the site and trembled his way to the house. Andy hadn't seen a face so demonic and twisted. Will had been successfully and safely rebooted, and both were staring at this shambling remains of a man.

"Ian… I can try to revive him with what we have…" Will blinked, unsure of the writer's reaction. It was nearly ignored, much to he and Andy's hope it would calm him.

"This war… will end today…" Ian threatened through gritted teeth and loud sobs, "Today… people.. are going to die."373839


You've got to carry that weight.

(Jen)

"Let us not forget the days………" the boring preacher-dude went on, as the Crimson Corps group stood mournfully behind him. Every now and then, one of them would forget what they were doing, or that they were at Katie's supposed funeral, and would begin to make faces at one another or instigate in some other way.

As the preacher got to the point where he mentions the good deeds and what wonderful achievements she has done, somewhere, far in the distance…an alarm went off.

This alarm was terribly important to Jen, as being a wildlife enthuseist, it sounded a poucher alarm. This was something that pissed her off to no end. An endangered species had been killed, and she had to go kick some asses.

Jen stormed away from the funeral, glaring at anyone who might challenge her departure, and took off in a hurry to go save the day, with her special laser beam. (Not an ice beam or something lame like that).

Meanwhile, John realized what had happened and how he had gotten out of his..erm..spirit quest with Todd.

John had the rabid math problem cornered. He raised his trusty #2 pencil and calculator as a shield and began battle with it. It swung at him with Natural E and logorythms, he struck it down with quick calculations, and when the math problem in a terrible mathmatical panic tried to spew Pi and long division, John countered with counting and perfect Ti 89 Titanium skills. "Suck on those Titanium skills!" John boasted, and the math problem was felled, falling a part in a pile of broken fractions and unsolvable functions.

John turned to grin at Todd, but Todd was gone. Shrugging, John found the time/invisible wall barrier gone and went back to Murray industries.

It was here that he wandered towards his conference room, where in his hurry to get back to work, he slipped on a banana peel that Ron had left accidently on the floor after a food fight with all of his gay and/or ditsy friends (XP no offense Ron). Here was the white light and the off colored walls that woke him up. John, discovering the misplaced banana peel, stormed off to find the perpitrator.

He found Ron in the control room, vacuuming. John paused. "You know we have maids for that, right?"
"Not anymore." Ron grinned as he vacuumed.
"…what happened to my maids, Ron?"
"I fired them."
"…why?"
"Because you have me!!!" Ron danced.

John slapped his forehead (prayer of Matt style) and threw the peel at Ron.
Ron managed to duck in time, but the peel hit a little red button….

ok, I lied, it was a BIG button, and was what set the bomb flying onto Ian's safehouse. "oops." John frowned.
Ron shrugged. "Want me to clean up the mess the bomb made?"
John looked at him, thinking he was hopeless. "I'm not going to stop you." John then marched out of the room. He had other evil things to be doing…

Meanwhile:

"Avast ye foolish pouchers, speak now or forever have a bullet in your head" Jen glared at the rubble of the Safehouse, where a slightly confused Andrew stood and a still mentally anguished and partially insane Ian stood. She didn't point her ray gun at them, she hadn't actually seen them yet.

Ian threw a large rock (or boulder) at Jen's head, knocking her over. It knocked Jen so far, in fact, she tummbled head over heels down a rather large and particularly jagged and bee infested hill.

Ian and Andrew watched in awkward silence as Jen could be heard howling and cursing all the way down the hill.

"Was that nessisary?" Andrew asked. "She may have dropped that bomb. And besides, I said people are going to die!" (or something to that matter).

"So what do we do now?"
Ian sighed, trying to cool his uncoolable rage. "Well, we could-" Suddenly Ian was kicked in the head by an irate and beestung Jen. Andrew charged to intervine, and Jen waved her arms angrilly at the two of them. "YOU-SONS-OF-BITCHES-POUCHERS-GOD-DAMN-IT-THAT-HILL-HURT-NOW-I'M-GOING-TO-KILL-YOU-oh, it's you guys." Jen relaxed even though Andrew had knocked her down and enraged Ian was still kicking her sides. Jen grimaced. "Stop that." Ian stopped, but not happily.

Jen dusted herself off and looked at the two. (She couldn't see Will). "So where's the poacher that killed the endangered animal?" Jen inquired, looking past them. Ian's face was laced with tragedy. "The bomb…whoever dropped the bomb." He couldn't look at the site of his lost pet and friend.

Jen looked up at the sky and narrowed her eyes in concentration. "Did we have a scheduled bomb droping here?" She pondered. "Nah..not this week…" Jen then turned her attention on Ian's pet. "Now what to do with this…I wonder what it tastes like?" she pondered aloud. Jen then turned and pointed her gun at the fallen animal while Ian's face turned to enraged horror.

BBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTT-ding!

A bright green ray shot out of the ray gun and lit up the creature, and when the light faded, the creature began to stir.
"holy shit!" Ian cried, and ran to his beloved pet. "And it's not a zombie either!…we did have quite a problem at first with that happening with the soulilator reverse gun.." Jen shuddered at the thought of chicken zombies and the other creatures she had innitially tried to bring back to life.

Meanwhile:
Katie danced around in circles in complete merriment. She had found the entire cast of Dr. Horrible's Sing-along blog, and was making them perform live for her. For the 19th time. The cast members gave her grumpy looks as they began again. "ahh haa haa. Ahh haaa AH ha haaa…."

Meanwhile:
John looked at a note that had been left in his office. He didn't get mail a lot, being the head of an evil corperation, nobody liked him, and even credit card companied didn't advertise to him, thinking he'd strike them down or something..

he opened the mail with enthusiasm. Too much, in fact, and he tore it in half. Frowning to himself, he put the two together to find a message from Jen.

Dear Moose face,
you know, this has been our first adventure where the missing plot has not been involved. I decided I miss the good old days, and so I called up our good old friend Vageta. He said if we don't find the plot soon, he's going to blow up this story. Isn't that great!?! Now we are on the same side again! = )
love, Jen.

John looked up from the letter. "shit."
Now he's going to have to find the plot before they do and blow it up. That stupid plot is always ruining everything.


Don't Stop Me Now… 'Cause I'm Havin' Such a Good Time.

(By IMSans)

Andrew blinked, speechless as Ian rushed to Simon's side. True enough, the beast had returned to life, and Ian was busy tending to him. Andrew looked to his side, putting his hands on his hips, "Any chance you might know where John is?"

Jen shook her head, "I did send him a note though… so if he got it, he's at his company again!" It was ironic… that the viking had to return to the place he was held captive to finish this feud… that and Jen and Andrew were among the few pairs of people in the story that could hold a serious conversation like this one.40 The viking dropped his voice so Ian wouldn't overhear, "Bringing Ian's cat back probably put you in the clear… but I've never seen Ian that angry before… I don't think his warpath is over…"

Jen nodded solemnly, "So what do you suggest?"

His arms folded as Andrew glanced back at the recuperating goliath of a cat and his master, "If it wasn't you who attacked us, it was John. He'll go attack Murray Industries prematurely again…" Andrew focused on the Crimson Corp. Executive before walking away, "Ian's got a plan, but he's not just going to sit around… I think though we may have an alliance between us, he won't calm down until this thing is over."

Andrew jogged back to the Safe House remains. Odd… his character felt serious… this was completely different than what he used to. If it was anything how Ian felt twenty-four seven, no wonder he went insane a few seconds ago… this seriousness would drive anybody insane. Upon entering the basement, the flickering hologram of Will eased the pains of seriousness in the story.

"Oh, I see how it is -" Will scolded, "Have a dramatic interlude and leave me out for the entiiiiiire thing!"

Andy frowned, "But Will, somebody set us up the bomb…"

"Nope! … Don't… want to hear it," the very persistent AI responded with a turned head and folded arms, "Not a single word."

"Oh no…! Not a single word…!"
"Not a one."
"But-!"
"Eh?"
"…But!"
"Ahh?!"
"Would you just-"
"Nope!"

A great silence passed between the two of them when in his frustration, Andy destroyed a machine, "Gaaah! Curse you and your vile ways!"

Will smiled, his form easing and his holographic image flashed softly, "Now that's the viking I remember! Good man!"

Ian made a quick and sudden appearance, the Stormseeker now sheathed on his back, running to the the storage locker remains. One locker stood intact - Ian opened it and fell completely oblivious to the Jamie that fell out. He did this because having a locker, he had a place to put his First Aid Kit aside from his sock drawer, like he had done at college. Still completely oblivious (as per his previous spot hidden, durr…) Ian ran back to his cat to tend to the wounds. After all, Simon's life had returned, yes, but there was still that giant piece of wood nailing him to the ground! Very inconvenient…

Andy and Will stared at Jamie. They stared at each other for a long time, as if telepathically debating who should poke Jamie with a stick to see if he lived. Of course, as a Hologram stick wouldn't work, and Andy had nothing available to poke Jamie with, the two were at an impasse. The two agreed that he had died, and left him be. And be it evidence to the contrary, or for comedic relief, the sizzling Quagmire twitched before remaining dead until the story found use of his spanish cries again…

Will watched Ian frantically run back and forth as he came to the basement a second time, "So is Jen still there?"

Ian froze, "I don't see her… so either she left, went invisible, or transimorgified herself and desided to fly around as a bug on a wall somewhere…."

Will scratched his head, "Of all people, she'd be likely to do something like that last option…"

Andrew motioned to Ian's cards, "So how do we turn this into an army?"

Ian rushed over to one of the remaining machines - Will recognized it on the one that manifested the Stormseeker. "I got this machine from Wizards of the Coast before they went under, and John destroyed their company, had they been advent in taking on the power-house companies, they would have held an honest-to-god's chance… Will, you remember that commercial they had a decade past?"

"They were testing Magic the Gathering… in a science lab…!"41 Will realized, "So that's it! You're using the machine to create an army of soldiers?!"

"No…" Ian smiled, "That duel featured, the Orgg lost the second two rounds… his competitor was such a powerhouse, they banned the card forever - only the most enthusiastic of collectors have it now…" Ian flashed a magic card between his fingers, "We're sending Bob…. from Accounting."


Bob From Accounting

(By Jen)

What they did not know was that Bob from accounting had been through much. So much indeed that he was wise and worldly, and taking one step into the story he knew it had come to an end. You see, now that it was summer time the authors became bored and distracted with other things, and this noble story has for the time come to rest. Perhaps, Bob decided, it will come back again with a sequel that will not suck (Grand Story sequels never do) and all will be well and right with the world. But for now, this story is cast to the shadows as it has met its end.

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