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~Quotes found in TV Shows? Put them here.~


"Blimey. Try to make an Ood laugh."
~ The Doctor; Doctor Who


DONNA: Are you saying the bees are alien?
DOCTOR: Don't be so daft. Not all of them.
~Doctor Who


"Well isn't that wizard?"
~The Doctor; Doctor Who


"Oh, humans on buses. Always blaming me."
~The Doctor; Doctor Who


"I'm the Doctor. I'm worse than everybody's aunt."
~The Doctor; Doctor Who


"Sooner or later, all us chickens cross the road… now, aren't we all curious about what's on the other side?"
~ Dr. Aden, 'Turn On, Tune In, Drop Dead', CSI: Las Vegas


"Oh boy! Tater Tots and a party invitation! Today is turning out to be a great day!"
~Raj, The Big Bang Theory


"Mommy, I love you! Please don't let Spock take me away to the future~!"
~Sheldon, The Big Bang Theory


Data - "Data to Counselor Troy."
Troy - "Yes, Data?"
Data - "I was wondering if this might be an appropriate time to continue our discussion on the long-term affects of space-travel on my positronic net?"Troy - "….Could I give you a rain check?"
Data - "… you may… check me for rain if you wish, counselor, but I assure you I have no water in my-"
Troy - *chuckles* "Data, I'll get back to you."

- Star Trek Enterprise


"I'm sorry, I tuned you out. Were you whining?"
~Betty; Dead Like Me


BETTY: We are on the flirting edge of nowhere with 10 miles to go, and I'm wearing my [shoe brand]. Do you know how many people had to die for me to get these?
GEORGE: I….no.
BETTY: Five. Five people had to die
~Dead Like Me


GEORGE: *surprised* Do you really care how it's going with me?
RUBE: Sure. I make my face look like this and the concerned words come out.
~Dead Like Me


"The key's on my wanker. My wanker's the key!"
~Mason; Dead Like Me


SALLY: Our only real competition this year is the kissing booth. They've got hookers.
TOMMY: Sally…those were cheerleaders.
SALLY: Not if they're charging.
~3rd Rock From the Sun


MASON: We'll be like Romeo and Juliet.
GEORGE: You do know how that story ended, don't you?
DAISY: If Romeo had just masturbated a couple of times a week, he would have saved both those nice families a heap of trouble.
~Dead Like Me


RUBE: Well, how would you have responded [from having your soul removed from your body], Roxy? God appeared to the man.
ROXY: I wouldn't be makin' up words and shit.
RUBE: Well, he's creating a mythology to take back to his people. Joesph Smith had the same thing happen to him and now the Mormon's have a monopoly on the hotel industry.
~Dead Like Me


"My dad was right: human beings were simple, predictable cliches. Broken hearts, betrayal… it's all been done a billion times before. The problem is, every time still hurts like the first. And if you're lucky enough to recover, you can be sure that just when you're finished filling in all the cracks in your life, the next one is starting to open."
~George; Dead Like Me


RUBE: Two guys walk into a bar.
DAISY: What type of bar?
RUBE: Does it matter? Two guys walk into a bar—
DAISY: Of course it matters. Preach specifics.
RUBE: So the bartender says…
MASON: I'd like to know what kind of bar too.
RUBE: You realize the bar's unimportant, right? The bar's just where the joke takes place. What's important is the escalation. Building up to a surprising revelation resulting in some kind of a hilarity. Which you're depriving yourself of by these mindless interruptions.
DAISY: Fine. Be funny.
RUBE: Thank you. Two guys walk into a bar…
DAISY: *whispers to Mason* He's so short-sighted.
RUBE: Short sighted about what?
MASON: Nothing. Just some guy I'm interested in. Now, come on. 'Two guys walk into a bar' and…what?
RUBE: *annoyed* They get a drink. The end.
~Dead Like Me


"Grandfathers are a dime a dozen. That's why everyone gets two of them."
~Arthur; King of Queens


J.D.: Look, uh… Janitor…
[the Janitor rolls his eyes]
J.D.: …I'm gonna be straight with you: I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.
[the Janitor takes a second to process this answer]
Janitor: Uhhh…
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know!
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!

~Scrubs


Turk: It sounds like you're asking me out on a man date.
J.D.: Turk, why are you so afraid of loving me?

~Scrubs


"Steve, I'm a grown up. I don't need your approval to worship the devil."
~Brian; Sarah Silverman Program


"I've always said it: behind every great man, there's a woman with a vibrator."
~BF Pierce; M*A*S*H


JOEY: "Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon."
ROSS: "I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny."
CHANDLER: "Stay out of my freezer. "
~ "Friends" (1994)


DOCTOR: And Utopia is…?
YANA ("Master"): Oh, every human knows of Utopia. Where have you been?
DOCTOR: Bit of a hermit.
YANA ("Master"): *a bit flabbergasted* A hermit? With…friends?
DOCTOR: Hermits United. We hook up every 10 years. Talk stories about caves… it's good fun! …for a hermit.

~ Doctor Who


YANA: How did you do that?
DOCTOR: Oh, while we were chatting away, I could have told you: I'm brilliant.

~ Doctor Who


*gasps back to life and looks around the room* "Was someone kissing me?"
~ Capt. Jack

~ Doctor Who


DOCTOR: What are you taking your clothes off for?
JACK: I'm goin' in.
DOCTOR: Well, by the looks of it, stet radiation doesn't affect clothing; only flesh.
JACK: Well, I'll look good, though.

~ Doctor Who


GWEN: So what's this supposed to do?
JACK: I'm using the satellite trajectory data to determine the inward trajectory of the meteorite.
TOSH: He means he's trying to figure out where it's coming from.
JACK: Hey. Sometimes a little techno-babble is good for the soul.

~ Torchwood


GWEN: I'm not being rude or anything. Well, maybe I am. But how do you switch off from all this stuff? What do you do to relax?
OWEN: I torture people in happy relationships.

~ Torchwood


OWEN: I hate the countryside. It's dirty, it's unhygenic…and what's that smell?
GWEN: That would be grass.
OWEN: It's disgusting.

~Torchwood


"So I was looking into devil worship and stuff from that era; see if there's anything about plucking out hearts and would you believe it? There's nothing. They ate eyeballs, they drank blood, they had sex with animals…but they did not pluck out each other's hearts. Cuz, obviously, that would've been weird."
~Owen; Torchwood


DIANE: *steps in front of an automatic door and surprised when it opens. She jumps back* How does it do that?
IANTO: It's automatic. It knows you're there.
DIANE: But how!?
IANTO: There are wave balance detectors which can sense high frequency radio waves and then for—
DIANE: Bananas! *runs off*
IANTO: *sarcasm* Of course, bananas are far more interesting.

~Torchwood


PAM: You can flirt with someone to get what you want and ALSO be attracted to them. How do you think we got together?
JIM: Cuz I stopped by your desk, like, fifteen times a day.
PAM: I was after your money.
JIM: Well the joke was on you.
PAM: Yes, it was.

~The Office


STAN: All I need you to do is just talk to [Kyle] and tell him that the whole talking to dead people isn't for real.
JOHN EDWARDS: It is for real.
STAN: Right; but it's not. It's a trick you do and I need you to just let my friend, Kyle, know that so he can go on with his life.
JOHN EDWARDS: Look, people have the right to be skeptical; I really hear voices in my head.
STAN: Yes. We all hear voices in our heads. It's called intuition. Get over yourself and tell my friend it's just for fun.
JOHN EDWARDS: Look, what I do doesn't hurt anybody. I give them closure and let them cope with life.
STAN: No, you give them false hopes and a belief in something that isn't real.
JOHN EDWARDS: But I'm a psychic.
STAN: No, dude. You're a douche.
JOHN EDWARDS: I'm not a douche! What if I really believe dead people talk to me?
STAN: Then you're a stupid douche.
~South Park


"A picture of Mark Harmon; the greatest actor who ever lived."
~ Peter Griffin; Family Guy


GWEN: The shittiest part about being a police officer and I can't get away from it. (waits, finally looks over at Owen).
OWEN: (dead silence)
GWEN: Thanks for your kind words of support.
OWEN: What do you want me to say? 'She'll be alright in the end'?
GWEN: (sarcasm) You can always count on Owen to make you feel better.
~Torchwood


JACK: (looking through a cell and talking to a Weevil) OK, Janet. Time for a trip out.
TOSH: You call it Janet?
JACK: Barbara just never seemed right.
~Torchwood


GWEN: Who's afraid of the big scary fish then?
OWEN: Big fish with a gun.
~Torchwood


GWEN: Typically Jack, isn't it? He disappears, he comes back, then he runs away again. He shuts us out, we don't even know his real name…he's supposed to be our boss and we know nothing about him. Drives me crazy.
IANTO: …it is more fun when he's around, though.
ALL: Yeah, definitely.
~Torchwood


JOHN: We more than go back. We were partners.
IANTO: In what way?
JOHN: Every way. And then some.
JACK: It was two weeks.
JOHN: Except that two weeks was trapped in a time loop, so we were together for five years. It's like having a wife.
JACK: You were the wife.
JOHN: You were the wife.
JACK: No, you were the wife.
JOHN: Oh, but I was a good wife.
TOSH: I bet you were.
~Torchwood


TOSH: You said we weren't allowed to use that again.
JACK: It's a mind probe.
IANTO: Remember what happened last time you used it?
JACK: That was different. That species has extremely high blood pressure.
IANTO: Oh, right. Their heads must explode all the time.
~Torchwood


OWEN: How do you know all that?
IANTO: I know everything. And it says so on the bottom of the screen.
~Torchwood


TOSH: No, I can't just hook something up. The entire telephone network is down!
OWEN: What about a mobile connection?
TOSH: The ENTIRE TELEPHONE NETWORK is down!
IANTO: Mobiles, landlines, tin cans with bits of string. Everything. Absolutely everything. No phones, phones all broken. 'Hello? Anyone there?' No, cuz the phones aren't working.
~Torchwood


JACK: With a dashing hero like me on the case, how can we fail?
IANTO: He is dashing.
~Torchwood

--

DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor, by the way. What's your name?
ROSE: Rose.
DOCTOR: Nice to meet you, Rose. Now run for your life!
~Doctor Who


ROSE: You think you're so impressive.
DOCTOR: (defensive) I am impressive.
ROSE: (smiles) You wish.
~Doctor Who


DOCTOR: With just a little bit of jiggery-pokery…
ROSE: Is that a technical term? 'Jiggery-pokery'?
DOCTOR: Yeah. I came first in jiggery-pokery; what about you?
ROSE: No, I failed hullabaloo.
~Doctor Who


ROSE: (trying to rationalize) Five billion years later and my mum is dead.
DOCTOR: Bundle of laughs, you are.
~Doctor Who


"It's better to die than live like you: a bitchy trampoline."
~Rose; Doctor Who


ROSE: Did you know this was going to happen?
DOCTOR: Nope.
ROSE: Do you recognize the ship?
DOCTOR: Nope.
ROSE: Do you know why it crashed?
DOCTOR: (excited) Nope.
ROSE: So glad I got you.
~Doctor Who


"Excuse me, would you mind not farting while I'm saving the world?"
~Doctor; Doctor Who


DOCTOR: I think you'll find the Prime Minister's an alien in disguise. (awkward pause as he looks over at the policeman) That's never going to work, is it?
MP: No.
DOCTOR: Fair enough.
~Doctor Who


DOCTOR: Question time! Who exactly are the Slitheens?
HARRIET: They're alien!
DOCTOR: I got that, thanks.
~Doctor Who


DOCTOR: Calcium phosphate, organic calcium, living calcium, creatures made out of living calcium — what else? … Yes! That narrows it down to one planet! Roxacoricofallapatorius!
MICKEY: Great. We can write them a letter.
~Doctor Who


MICKEY: I just went down to the shop. And I was thinkin', ya know, like the whole world's changed. Aliens and spaceships all in public. And here it is. (holds up a newspaper with the headline "ALIEN HOAX") How can they — how can they do that? They saw it!
DOCTOR: You're not ready. You happen to believe in something invisible but if it's staring you in the face, nope! I can't see it! There's a scientific explanation for that. You'd think.
~Doctor Who


DOCTOR: I really wouldn't hold [that device] like that.
DIANA: Shut it.
DOCTOR: Really, though, that's wrong.
ADAM: Is it dangerous?
DOCTOR: No, just looks silly.
~Doctor Who


"I don't need to make claims. I know how good I am."
~Doctor; Doctor Who


DOCTOR: There you go, pocket money. Don't spend it all on sweets.
ADAM: But how does it work?
DOCTOR: Go ahead and find out! Stop nagging me. The thing is, Adam, time travel's like visiting Paris: you can't just read the guidebook. You have to throw yourself in. Eat the food, use the wrong verbs, get charged double and end up kissing complete strangers. Or is that just me?
~Doctor Who


DOCTOR: Do you know how long you can knock around space without having to bump into Earth?
ROSE: Five days? Or is it just when we're out of milk?
DOCTOR: All the species in the universe and it has to come out of a cow.
~Doctor Who


CHILD: Mummy? Let me in, please, mummy. Please let me in.
DOCTOR: Your mummy isn't here.
CHILD: Are you my mummy?
DOCTOR: No mummy's here. Nobody here but us chickens. (turns and looks behind him) Well, this chicken.
~Doctor Who


JACK: We're discussing business.
ROSE: This isn't business; this is champagne.
JACK: I try never to discuss business with a clear head.
~Doctor Who


DOCTOR: You're very sick.
MEDICAL DOCTOR: Dying, I should think. I just haven't seemed to find the time.
~Doctor Who


"Go to your room! I mean it! I'm very, very angry with you. I'm very, very cross. Go..to..your..ROOM! (empty children all turn and sheepishly abandon the assault) I'm really glad that worked. Those would have been some terrible last words."
~Doctor; Doctor Who


DOCTOR: Sonic blaster, 51st century. Weapon factories of Vilengard.
JACK: Have you been to the factories?
DOCTOR: Once.
JACK: Well, they're gone now. Destroyed. Main reactor went critical; vaporized the lot.
DOCTOR: Like I said: once. There's a banana grove there now. I like bananas. Bananas are good.
~Doctor Who


DOCTOR: Don't drop the banana!
JACK: Why not?!
DOCTOR: Good source of potassium!
~Doctor Who


JACK: There's a banana grove in the heart of Vilengard and you did that?
DOCTOR: Bananas are good.
~Doctor Who


JACK: OK, this can function as a sonic blaster, a sonic canon and a triple-unfold sonic disruptor. Doc, what have you got?
DOCTOR: I've got a sonic…(freezes as he pulls out his weapon) Oh, never mind.
JACK: What?
DOCTOR: It's sonic, okay? Let's leave it at that?
JACK: Disruptor, canon, what?
DOCTOR: It's sonic. Totally sonic! I have a sonic tool.
JACK: A sonic WHAT!?
DOCTOR: Screwdriver!
JACK: Who has a sonic screwdriver?
DOCTOR: I do!
JACK: Who looks at a screwdriver and thinks, 'ooh, this could be a little more sonic'.
DOCTOR: What? You've never been bored? Never had a long night? Never had a lot of cabinets to put up?
~Doctor Who


DOCTOR: (looking around frantically) Assets, assets.
JACK: Well, I've got a banana and in a pinch, you can put up some shelves.
~Doctor Who


DOCTOR: Where did you pick this one up from?
ROSE: (embarrassed) Doctor…
JACK: She was hanging from a barrage balloon and I had an invisible spaceship. I didn't stand a chance.
~Doctor Who


ROSE: (holds out her hand) You got the moves? Show me your moves.
DOCTOR: (sheepish and looking a bit uncomfortable) Rose, I'm trying to resonate concrete.
~Doctor Who


DOCTOR: History says there was an explosion here. Who am I to argue with history?
ROSE: Usually the first in line.
~Doctor Who


"Last time I was sentenced to death, I ordered four hyper-vodkas for breakfast. A little bit of a blur after that. Woke up in bed with both my executioners. Lovely couple. They stayed in touch. Can't say that about most executioners."
~Capt. Jack; Doctor Who


(to Jack) "Shut the door, will ya? Your ship's about to blow up and there's going to be a draft."
~Doctor; Doctor Who


JACK: Aw, sweet. Look at those two. How come I never get any of that?
DOCTOR: Buy me a drink first.
JACK: Such hard work.
DOCTOR: But worth it.
~Doctor Who


"Ricky, let me tell you something about the human race: you put a mysterious blue box slap-bang in the middle of town, what do they do? Walk past it. Now stop your nagging and let's go explore."
~Doctor; Doctor Who


"We're in Cardiff. London doesn't care. The southwest coast could fall into the sea and they wouldn't notice. Oh, I sound like a Welshman. God help me, I've gone native."
~Margaret; Doctor Who


"Don't worship me. I'd make a very bad god. Wouldn't get a day off, for starters."
~Doctor; Doctor Who

~Doctor Who


"Jackie! Mickey! Blimey! No. No-no-no-no-no no no. Hold on. Wait there. I have something to say. (serious) There was something I have to tell you. Something important. What was it? No, hold on, hold on. Hold on. Shhhhh-hh. Oh! I know! Merry Christmas!" (faints)
~Doctor; Doctor Who


ROSE: They're both working.
JACKIE: What do you mean 'both'?
ROSE: He's got two hearts.
JACKIE: Oh, don't be stupid.
ROSE: He has.
JACKIE: Anything else he's got two of?
~Doctor Who


(on the verge of tears) "I'm going to get killed by a Christmas tree!"
~Jackie; Doctor Who


DOCTOR: Why is there an apple in my dressing gown?
JACKIE: Oh, it's Howard. Sorry.
DOCTOR: He keeps apples in his dressing gown?
JACKIE: Well, he gets hungry.
DOCTOR: He gets hungry in his sleep?
JACKIE: Sometimes.
~Doctor Who


UNKNOWN JOURNALIST: You seem to be talking about aliens as a matter of fact.
HARRIET: There's an act of Parliament banning my autobiography.
~Doctor Who


TSA Dennis: "NCIS". Anything like CSI?
TONY: Only if you're dyslexic.
~NCIS


KATE: Don't dismiss me like that, OK? I earned my jock strap.
GIBBS: Yeah? Does it ever give you an empty feeling?
KATE: What?
GIBBS: Your jock strap.
KATE: No. Like some species of frogs, I grow what I need.
~NCIS


TONY: (picks up an exotic resorts magazine) Tell me her measurements.
KATE: (looks at Tony) You're pathetic.
TONY: No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's five-foot-four and a 32-C, or five-foot-seven and a 36-D? You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches. Take measurements.

DUCKY: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony. Isn't a 36-D a bit of wishful thinking?
TONY: (looks back at the magazine) You think?
~NCIS


GIBBS: NCIS does not have a leak. If those [Air Force One] plans get out, you can shoot DiNozzo.
KATE: No, I think I'm destined to shoot you.
~NCIS


(sleepy and about to pass out) "Ducky? Why would Abby go to a fat party?"
~Gibbs; NCIS


SARAH: Well, you're not so bad yourself.
CHUCK: Please. I'm fantastic.

~Chuck


JERRY: I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works. Window doesn't work, radio doesn't work. And it smells like a cheap hooker. Or is that you?
ELAINE: Gimme ten bucks, you'll find out.

~ Seinfeld


"If [my brother] just wouldn't have been such a stickler for form. He was that way to the end. The last thing I heard him say was, 'really, Alfred: with an axe?'"
~Alfred Hitchcock; Alfred Hitchcock Presents


"We have a very sensitive elevator man. He doesn't like it when he brings people up and then they don't ride down again. It confuses him."
~ Alfred Hitchcock; Alfred Hitchcock Presents


"You've decapitated him… You've amputated him… You've disemboweled him… and you left a knife… sitting in his neck… stabbing into his heart… I'm guessing they don't let you carve the turkey at Thanksgiving anymore."
~ Geoff and Max of "Deadliest Warrior" (Spike TV, Navy SEALS vs. Israeli Commando's episode)


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